May 31st 2024 Nothingness

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My brother visits me on a Friday, he has so much to say, telling me about his week at work. He just has so much to say and I sit there and listen, I have the odd chuckle at his stupid jokes he says and the whole time, im sat there with nothing to say. I dont tell him about my week of battling intrusive thoughts on a daily basis or that ive spent the whole week alone trapped in my own depressing thoughts. I dont say a thing. Nothing. If nothingness was a word, its how I feel everyday. I dont feel a thing anymore and I have nothing to say, its like I dont exist. Im here in body but my mind is trapped in a dark hole. Do you know how hard I have to fight everyday to just stay alive and I do it for my children. This blog is where I turn to, to get my thoughts out of my head. Due know, ive been writing this blog from when I had cancer, April 2021 and im here today in 2024 still battling my depression. The day my father died is the day I died inside, November 2020. He was 55 years old. He was so young.

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