February 1st 2024

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So its the 1st of February, I promised myself id have a better year but, I spent the whole of January alone and depressed.. Things im going to do in February, firstly, im going to think of positives that have come out of my day. So today a positive is, I woke up to see my children another day. As much as I think I want to die, I actually dont, its just the intrusive thoughts I have to deal with. Id love to die so I can see my father again but who would love and care for my chikdren the way I do??? I couldnt bare the thougth of my children feeling the way I do because of the loss of a parent and that, that right there, is what keeps me going. Im meeting my sister tomorrow, I dont see her often and id love to say im looking forward to it, I mean im looking forward to seeing my sister but the leaving the house part is the problem. Ive become that much of a recluse, I dont leave the house unless I have to, like the school run for example, im straight there, then straight back home.. Anyway so as I was saying, im meeting my sister tomorrow for breakfast, it will be nice.

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