-
I wake up and I spend all day waiting to go back bed, I am so depressed I don't know how I'm still alive..
I don't know how to change my mindset, I've got nothing inside me, I just don't want to be alive anymore. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

July 1st 2024 My Sons Funeral.

-
Today was THE hardest day of my entire life. My sons funeral. My first born beautiful boy, I hope youre watching as I write this. I will miss you for the rest of my time on earth. I hope my dad has you wrapped in his arms and keeps you safe until we meet again. The turn out for Jay-Dees funeral was amazing, he was clearly loved. I cried from the moment the funeral cars arrived outside the house and all through the service. My eyes are all red and puffy. The service was simply beautiful. The song we chose was Nelly Furtado Childhood Dreams, its just so beautiful. Give it a listen. As the song played, we had a slideshow of photos, 50 all together that Jay-Dees dad put together. It was perfect. All Jay-Dees friends were there, it really was an amazing turn out. I hope I did my son proud and through it all, I remain sober. 2 and a half years sober today. How am I feeling? I feel lifeless and empty. Im filled with sadness. My son will forever be 21. Today is a sad day....
Read more

June 3rd 2024 The Morning After.

-
The tears keep coming, I am absoloutely distrought. I feel like I have failed as a mother. I feel beyond heartbroken, I just want my boy home. Ive self harmed, ive not self harmed for over half a year, ive been trying so hard to get better and now im scared im going to kill myself. My 21 year old son took his own life yesterday morning. How as a mother do you deal with the death of a child? Where do you find the strenght to continue living when all you want to do is die? I cant leave my other 3 children behind but depression doesnt care if youve got children. Im worried that I will end up dead. The depression will become to hard to deal with and I will kill myself regardless of whether its the right thing to do or not. Im praying my dad was there to meet my son and they are together in heaven looking down on us all. Im back in that dark hole I fought so hard to get out of. I was starting to see some light and now my world has gone dark again. I cant imagine a life without my 4 boys an...
Read more