Cancer, Depression and Me.

Don't know if I mentioned before but my  medication has been increased.  I'm now on the highest Venlafexine you can be on, 375mg and 10mg Olanzapine.  It's been a few weeks since the increase, the first week of the increase I wanted to die, I was having suicidal thoughts alot.. Now, I'm feeling ok, I knew I'd have the suicidal thoughts with the change in meds and because I had this understanding, I feel I was able to deal with them better. It's like I was prepared to be sad, I just didn't realise how sad I'd actually be but here I am still alive. Yay, she writes sarcastically.  X

So I've finally come out of my depressive state of mind. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get through them real low days. Anyway, I'm thankful for today, I'm thankful I'm alive, I'm thankful that my children are all healthy and thriving in life. It's crazy because I'm surviving in life but I try my best so my kids can thrive and enjoy life. One day I'll write on here in the future,  about how I'm thriving and absolutely loving life. It's not today haha but today is a good day. Of course I thought about my dad today, I do everyday, but today I snapped myself out of it and then I smiled. I actually smiled a real smile. Let's hope this good mood lasts 💕

The weather is lovely, it was red hot yesterday. My son took me to a milkshake farm in Caverswall, it was really nice to get out the house. I spent the day doing washing and drying it on the line. Woke up today sunburnt. Don't know if I mentioned but my meds were tweaked again so I'm on an even higher dose, at first for a few days I felt so low, suicidal thoughts, the lot, but now I feel better about being alive. I'm praying this better feeling lasts but unfortunately it never does. EUPD & BPD I've been diagnosed with. After reading about BPD that my psychiatrist gave me for some light reading haha, turns out everything ive been going through actually all makes sense. The highs and extreme lows. I feel better now I understand more. Anyway, it's Monday and usually I'd feel shit about it being Monday but today I don't. Happy Monday xxx

What a day, I've done 3 lots of laundry and gutted under my sons bed. Talk about manic. I'm feeling ok, sat in the garden alone whilst the washing dries thinking of my dad. Sigh. I miss him so much. Anyway, the sun is shining and today is a better day. ✨️ 

For the past few days the intrusive thoughts have been so overwhelming, I just want to die. I think to myself, if one day these intrusive thoughts get the better of me and I end up taking my own life, I hope my children see my blog and realise just how much their mum tried to stay alive. I don't think my family realise the severity of my illness. It's not a low mood, i'm ill, like, I am sick in the head and it's slowly killing me off. This not wanting to be alive is a horrible feeling. I feel like no one understands whats going on inside of me. I hope in a few days these feelings pass. Jesus take the wheel, cuz I can't do this life on my own.

Just been out for dinner, I don't get out much, I prefer my own company. Too much effort some days to smile, so it's easier to just stay at home. Nothing fits me, i've gained so much weight because of the medication, I just feel shitty about life all the time. I said to myself this morning, I am going to embrace being a bigger girl. I also talk shit to myself hahaha. No, I am going try and be more positive about the weight gain, i've got 2 choices. I either come off the medication, lose weight and kill myself or, stay on the medication, live some sort of normal life and be fat.. I choose the latter. When did my weight become a major issue? I have always battled with my weight, up and down it's been since I can rememeber. I'm nearly 40 years old, life is too short to be worrying about my weight, it's time I just embraced a fuller figure and on that note, goodbye xxx

Hows life going? I'm ok. I'm getting through the days and that is something to be proud of. I am still alive. My life isnt really going anywhere, I have no asperations. It's sad really. I can't even read a full book anymore, I don't watch tv, I sort of just drift through the days. I'm still just surviving, not thriving. I keep thinking to myself, this time next year, hopefully, I will be a different person, a happier person. If I don't think like this, what is the point in living? All the weight I lost, I have gained because of the medication, its a viscious cicrle.. They say 'we are here for a good time, not a long time' but i'm not even having a good time and I hope i'm not here for a long time.

My youngest sons 7th birthday today. Had a beautiful morning opening his cards and presents with him, taken him school with his sweets to give out to his friends and kissed him goodbye. Come home sat on my bed and broke my heart. I'm so unwell mentally, I try my absolute best to keep a smile on my face around my kids, but deep down inside, I am dead. The day my father passed away, the moment he took his last breath, a switched turned off inside me. The only way I can describe it, is that. A switch went off inside and my whole world went dark. Dove Bereavement taught me the different phases of grief and that you can return to any stage, at any time. I'm fucking angry!! I'm back to the anger phase, I'm so angry and upset that my dad isn't here to celebrate Jesse's birthday. It hurts more than I could ever describe.  My dad was my absolute world, he did everything and more fore and my boys and without him, I'm lost in life. I've lost my identity, I've n...

We've just had a long weekend for the kings coronation, it's Tuesday now 11:58am. As much as I hate, and I mean loathe the school run, routine is what I need in my life. I'm a lonely person, the past few years I have isolated myself from the world. It's not good. Sort of glad i've got this blog really, writing stuff down keeps me sane. I keep racking my brains thinking, what can I do in life that I will enjoy? I don't know what I wnt to do and I hate this feeling. I seem to watch everyone else living their lives and I feel dead inside, my days roll into one. Like groundhog day but worse! Wonder if you could go insane from loneliness!? You know, like in old age.. I cut all my nails yesterday and forgot one, just noticed as I type haha. Anyway, bye.

Finally, i'm feeling better. Still sad, but better. I've done a fake tan, added some more pink to my hair because it fades so fast and generally just sat by myself. I'm such a sad person since the death of my father, I definitly died inside the day he went away. I ask myself daily "did I ask too much of my dad?". It's like I can't do anything for myself because my dad did everything for me. I feel so lost in life, I feel like I don't really fit in. I've been diagnosed with BPD/EUPD, after reading about my diagnosis, the depression makes sense, theres alot of the characteristics that I related to. Ups and downs, the downs last way too long though! Also, prolonged grief.. Makes sense.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, I was telling her that I'm still waiting to find my purpose in life. She made a comment that hit me hard. She said "what if your purpose was to have your children?" All along I've been searching for my purpose in life and thinking about it now, I've birthed 4 amazing boys, honestly, I am one proud mum. Was my purpose to only birth 4 boys, I can't have more children because of cancer but surely that can't just be my role in this life. I know I'm blessed and eternally grateful to of been able to become a mother, but I hope there's more in life for me. I have no aspirations at the moment but I'm hoping in the future that changes. Once my mental health is better, because I will get better, then I just hope I finally end up doing something that truly makes me feel happiness. 

Feeling a bit better today, thank god, I spend alot of time in my bedroom (I already know it is not healthy) so anyway, today (Monday 1st May 2023) I made myself sit downstairs for the whole day. Do I feel better for it? No. Will I spend more time down stairs after today? Also, no. I am not thriving, I am surviving.