Doctors..

So as we all know from the past nearly 2 years with covid and lockouts, it's phone appointments with the doctors, I've been continuously bad since having covid and I've only had my first jab, I've had a bad throat for about 5 days now and the past day or so I can't swallow without feeling like my own saliva is struggling get past a lump in my throat, so when the receptionist this morning said I can get you a phone call tomorrow, I was like, ok brill.

Then she asked for a brief description of the problem, I said well, I can't swallow without struggling so I've either got tonsillitis or esophageal cancer 😂😂 straight to the point as always haha. All of a sudden I could be seen today..

I explained my problem, then whilst crying explained about my dad's cancer and then my cancer so I'm scared of dying from esophageal cancer.

The doctors were so understanding and examined me in depth. 

I've got Laryngitis, the doctor was lovely, I saw a student doctor and my own. I broke my heart with worry over cancer, turns out having cancer has had a massive effect on me and now I'm so scared of cancer coming back and dying. It's horrible.

Never until today did I even think about my cancer until I sat in the doctors chair, even when the other week I was examined by my oncologist, it's like I've been blank over it all, until today!..

Today I cried and convinced myself I had esophageal cancer, this is because I knew dad's symptoms and my throat scared the shit out of me.

Even after all that though, I said, well at least I've got life insurance for my kids...

I don't really get how my mind works, it's like some times I acknowledged things and worry but then other times I think.. ahhh fuck it ☹☹☹

My brain is so complex, even I don't understand what goes on in it.

Some times I'm just as shocked as everyone else by what comes put of my mouth or the way I think about things, it's like I care, but I don't..

Weird I know 😕