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 It's been 11 days since i last posted on here, i'm still just as low, if anything my low mood is getting lower.

Minds on overdrive, always the case when you sit alone and have time to think, i've not been leaving the house, today was the first day i nipped the shop with Jesse, we both needed fresh air.. he's sleeping out tonight at Damian's, i feel lost without him and i feel lonely. It's hit home just how lonely i am without my dad, i went to ring him a few nights ago when i was upset then realised he's not here, i was devastated, i always rang him when i was upset or angry or just wanted moan or just to ask what he was doing and now i feel i've got no one i can talk to about how i'm feeling.

I'm sat alone and realised just how lonely i am, i'm 37 years old and i'm lonelier than i've ever been. I've cut myself off from the world for so long i dont know how to get back..

I was mean't go college Friday but ended up having a horrible panic attack, i couldn't breathe, my chest was tight and i just couldn't get my breath, twice that's happened in the past few weeks, it's horrible and i don't know why it's happening.

I guess i could go out now Jesse isn't here, but where would i go and who with??

I just don't want to socialise or go out, i've gotten so use to being alone and on my own it's become normal, i feel lonely but i'm happy being on my own.. well not happy but you know what i mean, i'm use to it.

I don't really feel any more, i don't really cry, i have become numb. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing...

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