The day I bought my dads ashes home compared to today.

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The day I bought my dads ashes home, after weeks of my mind being occupied by sorting his bungalow out, his finances out, his funeral out, everything.. the day I collected dad was the day I wanted to die.
That night I took a few boxes of prescription sleeping tablets, kissed my baby goodnight and swallowed then all, not a fucking care in the world! What a selfish bitch I bet you're thinking.. you've got 4 children, how could you do that??!!
I'll tell you how.. I've suffered with depression for jeeeeze as long as I can remember.
When you're grieving you don't think about anything except seeing the person you've lost again. All I wanted was to see my dad again, its so hard to explain but if you've been in my shoes you'll understand exactly how I feel.
Dont get me wrong, I'm still really depressed,  I mean I've not long ago lost my dad, my best friend at the age of 55 so its still so raw.
Only now, all I keep thinking is, have I been diagnosed with cancer to teach me a lesson, a lesson I needed to learn, I needed this, oh it worked.. it fucking worked!!
Now I've been diagnosed with cancer the thought of dying and leaving my 4 kids behind scares me to death so good one cancer!! Good one!!!
I've wanted to die for as long as I can remember but now omg, now I know I could, the thought of leaving my kids is frightening....
How is it even possible to want to die for so long to now being scared of leaving my kids.
I'm definitely being taught a lesson THE HARD WAY!!!!!!!

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