Cancer, Depression and Me.

After saying yesterday that I was feeling ok and not suicidal, last night I thought about sticking a blade straight through my jugular.. what is fucking wrong with me?!. Ive felt like shit all day today, didn't want get out of bed this morning, but someone has to feed Jesse and the animals. I have to get up and keep the house going. Jesse is sleeping Damians tonight so ill have the bed to myself. Ive done nothing today, just surviving. Im so glad I dont drink alcohol anymore and I can control the intrusive thoughts. If I was still drinking id be dead by now. I would of taken my own life. Life's hard enough sober, so it would be ten times worse if I was drunk. 4 years and 5 months sober now, no going back. I still have the odd day now and again where I could just drink a pint, especially when the sun is out, but I have to push through for my kids. I hate having suicidal thoughts, I wish I was normal. For me, living is torture. I just want to be happy and enjoy life, but grief an...

Finally, a better day. Im low, but not as low as ive been feeling. Got dressed today and took my dog for a walk, she must of thought it was her birthday or something haha. Jesse came on his bike, it was good to get out of the house and go for a walk. Im not suicidal today. Thank God. Im having a day off my diet today, ive been fasting all week and lost a big fat nothing! Ill carry on after today, but i usually dont diet on a Saturday. Its a cheat day. Not going lie, i can't wait climb into bed and have a cuddle off Jesse. I love being asleep, its my escape from life. So thankful for days like today where ive got a bit of motivation and will to live. I wouldnt say no to dying, but today im glad im alive for my boys.  Damian has booked Warwick Castle for the half term to take Jesse for a sleepover for a birthday treat. Jesse's going to love it. Damian does so much with him and im so thankful to him. He has him every Sunday too. They're always going out to new places and makin...

Ive literally got nothing to say anymore. I was at the cafe with my friends and I just kept smiling at them when they were talking to me. I barely say a word. I dont see the point in going if im honest when I have nothing to say, but i go because I force myself to socialise. All I want to do is lie in my bed, curled up in a ball and let time pass me by. I really dont see a point to my existence. Im losing the will to live. Im hanging on by a thread. Don't know how im going to live for the rest of my life. I dont want to grow old, I just dont want to be here anymore. Im so depressed its unreal. Depression will take my life one day. I have enough medication in to end my life, I think about it most days, but like I say, I just can't leave my boys without a mum. So I have to keep getting through each day regardless of how I feel. Life is tough, it really is hard work for me. Its a battle to get through each day without killing myself. Thank god ive got my boys to keep me going. I t...

I often find myself standing in the kitchen and staring out the window. Not looking at anything, I just dissociate for a while. I do it alot. My mind just wonders off to nowhere. Pics of Jay-Dee came on my Facebook memories this morning and my heart sank. He had so much more life to live, ill never understand why he killed himself. I never got to say goodbye. I held my dad's hand as he took his last breath and got to say goodbye and it still kills me inside. The pain I feel inside since losing my dad and son I can't even describe. I feel numb to life, ive given up on living and that makes me sad. Death has destroyed me, I dont recognise myself. My hair is a mess, my roots are massive and ive not washed it for 3 weeks. Im going to force myself to wash it this weekend. Please dont judge me, im grieving and im so depressed. Im trying my best to lose weight, but im struggling because of the medication and Menopause. I feel like ive let myself go. I dont even want to be alive never ...

How i wish my father and son could of stayed.. Life has been extremely difficult since they went away. My heart aches daily. I think about suicide at least once a day, everyday day. I wish I could just end my life and be done with, but I can't do it to my children. I can't leave them feeling the way I feel. I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. The pain I feel on a daily basis is killing me. Everyday i fight to survive yet another day. Im simply surviving.  After id been the cafe this morning, I walked to the chemist to collect my medication. Doesn't seem like much, but to me it was alot. I can't remember the last time I collected my own medication. My anxiety eats away at me, but today I got it myself and im proud of myself. Im pushing myself to do more, im trying my best to get better mentally. Walked to Asda to do some shopping, im proud of myself. Its the little things that make a big difference.  Im making the kids favourite for tea and it was always Jay-Dees favour...

Jensen and Jasper booked the Vue today to watch the new Michael Jackson movie. It was absolutely brilliant. Considering it was on for over 2 hours, I could of watched even more. Absolutely loved it. Jensen treated us to a Subway and then we nipped Homebargains for some Monster energy drinks. Ive eaten so much the past few days so im definitely getting back on my diet tomorrow. Back to calorie counting. Ive had 2 things delivered today for my holiday and guess what, they dont fucking fit because im a fat cow!! Definitely dieting from tomorrow and im going to be strict with myself. Ive got to lose some weight before I go away!  Going out today with 2 of my boys has made me feel so happy. Im glad that they still want to do things with their mum as they get older. Im so blessed. It did make me feel sad when we were sitting in the cinema, that Jay-Dee wasn't with us. Hes missed so much, so is my dad, but days like today give me hope. A glimpse of happiness. Im at my happiest when im wit...

Its 4:20pm now, Jesse went Damians last night for a sleepover and to go Max's birthday party this morning. Hes still not home. He absolutely loves his days with Damian. The bond they have is beautiful.  Literally forced myself to go see Rachael today, not long got back. She talks and I listen because ive never really got alot to say anymore. I join in with conversations the best I can, but I have to force myself. Im just cooking a curry for the boys, ive had egg sandwiches. Im obsessed with egg sandwiches at the moment. Im doing a load of washing so I can peg some outside whilst its nice. The weekend is nearly over, it goes by so fast. Want to do another full week of school for Jesse. Going my sisters after school Friday for a bbq which will be nice. Ill be meeting her new boyfriend. Everyone is moving on in life and I feel like im stuck grieving.. im so fed up of being alive, even on my better days like today, im still sad. My dad was in my dreams last night, can't remember th...