Cancer, Depression and Me.

Losing my father and son is a pain like no other. I think about them all through the day, I close my eyes and they're on my mind. Grief is consuming me. I struggle to do things i use to, things I use to enjoy. Now I see no point in being alive. Its a horrible feeling. Im so heartbroken. I use to be so outgoing and bubbly, now I barely speak and have anxiety about going to Asda. Death really changes who you are. I seem to be lost in the world and only continue to live because im a mum. I find no enjoyment in being alive. Meeting up with friends is a task. I have to force myself to do things so my anxiety doesn't take over my life. Im struggling to lose weight because of my medication and going through the Menopause. If I mention the Menopause, people say "youre too young to be going through the Menopause"! Then I have to say, I have no womb because I had cancer. I dont take my HRT anymore because I was so sick of being on it. Im fed up with how much medication I have t...

Weighed myself this morning and it said id lost 2lb. Just weighed myself again and its saying I gained 4lb. I have just eaten so I hope thats why, but fuck me, 4lbs! 2 weeks now ive been eating healthy, its killing me haha. Getting a pizza for tea tonight for the kids and I wont be having any. Dieting is torture. Couldn't go see my friends at the cafe this morning because when I got to school Amazon said they were 3 stops away, so had to rush back so my packages didn't get stolen off my doorstep. Im feeling ok today, mentally speaking. Jasper is here so im not on my own. Jesse will be finishing school in 35 minutes. The sun is shining and its not been a bad day. If I weigh myself in the morning and I have gained 4lb im going be devastated. That will be the curry I had Saturday night. My own fault. Ill carry on dieting, im trying my best to lose weight. Its so hard!  I was thinking this morning about my dad's final days in hospital and had to snap myself out of it. I think a...

Feel really deflated today. Ive been the cafe to meet my friends and I just felt like I dont fit in. Tried joining in, in conversation, but I literally have nothing to say. When I went my mates yesterday, she was telling me that shes dating someone and how her date went, and then she said hows things with me.. I had nothing to say, I just said I was ok. Ive got nothing going on in my life, nothing to talk about. How do you tell someone that not committing suicide is the main part of my day?.. I should be thankful really that I have a peaceful life I guess. Tomorrow will be 5 years since I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. If I hadnt of gone for my cervical screening I might not be here now. It was caught early, stage 1b I was. I guess i should be thankful that it was caught early and cut out, along with all my womb, ovaries, the lot. Plus 19 pelvic lymph nodes. If I hadnt of been ontop of my smears my kids wouldnt have their mum, so thank God. My next appointment at the hospital shou...

So last night Jasper and Jesse-John went with Damian for a sleepover at 5:30pm, Jensen went Manchester for a friends birthday, so for the first time in forever I was home alone. Felt a bit lost, but enjoyed some me time. So I thought to myself, fuck the diet and I ordered myself a chicken tikka jelafraze with a garlic nan. I sat on my own and enjoyed it. Felt like a right fatty after, didn't eat it all, think my stomach has shrunk with dieting and fasting. Weighed myself this morning and ive only lost 2lb upto now this week. Bit shit really, but ill carry on doing what im doing. I slept in till half 9 this morning, woke up dead refreshed because I think I went sleep about half 9 last night haha. Anyway, ive been see my friend Rachael today and then nipped Home Bargains with Jensen. Went Asda get the stuff to make chilli for tea which Jensen asked for. Ive cooked tea and washed up. Plated everyone's food up and im done. Sat waiting for Jesse and Jasper to come and thats it. You ...

Not felt too bad today. Got up this morning, got ready and myself and Jesse went the shops so he could ride his bike. There's sun was shining and I felt ok. Its Damians birthday today, brought him some gifts and a cake off the kids. We've always brought each other presents off the kids even though we're not together. Its really nice. Hes just collected Jesse for a sleepover, Jasper has gone too. Jensen is in Manchester day drinking with a group of friends for one of their birthdays. I have the house to myself. I messaged Jensen saying stay safe and I love you. The same message I sent Jay-Dee before he died. Scares the shit out of me now when my kids go out, incase they dont come home. Losing a child can do that. You worry so much more about losing another child, its literally heartbreaking. Couldn't bare to lose another child. Just the thought of it scares the shit out of me. I know my kids are struggling with their mental health too and it worries me. Losing Jay-Dee ha...

Just been to Jesse's assembly, Damian came with Mabel and Max and I just know that would have made Jesse's day. He absolutely loves them all to bits. Made me so proud seeing him standing at the front with his certificate. Im super proud of him. Anyway, I prayed last night when I closed my eyes that id see my dad and son in my dreams, and I did. My dad was dying still and I remember crying in my sleep, but Jay-Dee was absolutely fine. Im so happy I got to see them both. My dad is always dying in my dreams, its horrible. Absolutely loved seeing them both though and then I woke up.. gutted I woke up, but also thankful I did. Ive got a love hate relationship with life. Hate being alive, but also thankful I am to see my boys. Im living life in limbo, I miss my old life with my dad and son so much, but im sober now and I appreciate the little things. Seeing Jesse this morning collect his certificate made me realise how much he needs me and so do my other boys. I just wish I could be ...

Had a text off the school saying Jesse will be getting a certificate in assembly tomorrow morning and im welcome to attend. Hes worked super hard this week and he'll be getting a certificate. Super proud! Ive not told him as I want to surprise him in the morning when he sees me walk into his assembly to watch him. Hes no idea hes getting one. I think Damian is coming too, which will make Jesse's day. I was thinking about how depressed I am, along with grieving, but I always show up for my kids. I get my house work done. Just need to tackle the showering. Can't wait to see Jesse's little face light up when hes called up to the front of the assembly. Its little things like this that keep me going. My friend asked me if I wanted go out today and I turned her down. Just not feeling socialising. I went the cafe this morning and stayed for an hour and then my social battery ran out. I joined in with conversations as much as I could, ive just got nothing to say anymore. Unless...