Cancer, Depression and Me.

Playing Nerf guns with Jesse, hes just said "mum, my life flashed before my eyes" and in my head i said, "Jay-Dees will of done before he died". Why is my brain like this? Trying to have fun with Jesse and my own brain sabotage me. Its really me versus me. Woke up about 10am, decided to immediately get dressed instead of sitting in my pjs all day. Took Jesse to get his hair cut and went Asda for ingredients to make Jay-Dees favourite tea, chilli. Ive been on a calorie deficit today, eating under 1400 calories, going try do it everyday and lose some weight before my holiday. Got one more payment and ive paid it all off. Booked it last year so I could pay it off monthly. Absolutely shitting myself about taking the boys abroad on my own, ive always gone with another adult. Im sure ill be ok. Pray for me. Cooked tea, done the dishes, taken my evening meds and thats my day. Had a really good time yesterday at my sisters, but I came home after a few hours. My brother and ...

Sat with my eyes closed telling myself in my head that im not ok. I can't remember the last time I was ok. Myself and Jesse are dressed and ready to go my sisters for a bbq, but I wish I was lying in bed. Im so tired of being alive. Ill put a smile on my face and act like im ok, but im dead inside. Tired of pretending to be ok. Its draining me. Im so tired, mentally and physically. I just want to get into bed and stay there forever, but I can't.. anyway, off to the bbq I go.

Feel deflated today, ive got no go in me. Don't want leave the house, but dont want be stuck in the house. Welcome to my brain. Doesn't know what it wants! Can't afford to go out even if i wanted to. Had Iceland delivered so I dont have to go the shops. Roll on tomorrow, bbq at my sisters with the family. Im so heartbroken its unreal. My heart aches for what ive lost. My head is a mess. I feel so isolated. Can't be bothered to go see my friends. Ive just got no go in me. This is depression and grief. Im screaming inside for the life that ive lost. The me before all this tragedy happened. I know I can't go back because I dont belong there anymore. Im sober now, im on a new journey to find me again. Grief is a lonely road to be on. Didn't want to get out of bed this morning, had to get up though to feed my animals. Ive not showered for a few days and my hair hasn't been washed for about a week. Im just sat in my pjs wishing the day would just pass me by. Ill b...

Gutted me not buying Jay-Dee an easter egg when I brought his brothers one. Its the little things that hurt the most. Im watching something called The Cleaning Lady on Netflix and there's a man in it called Jay-Dee. Thought I was hearing things at first, but the more the name was said I realised he was actually called Jay-Dee. How crazy is that. Ive stripped Jesse's bed and washed his bottom sheet. Ive binned his quilt cover because ive brought him a new coverless duvet to put on. Im getting him back into his own bed, i want my bed back. He slept in his own room last night, so i thought it was time to make it all cosy for him with new bedding. Ive got no plans for today, just watching this on Netflix and have a chilled out day eating chocolate. Its my nephews birthday Tuesday and my sister is doing a bbq so that will be nice, just hope the weather is nice for it. Its currently hailing and raining, it looks miserable outside. Ive just put my heating on because im freezing. Dream...

Been questioning my sobriety and why im even sober, so i reached out to my brother and sister on our group chat. My sister said i would spiral and that I self harm when im drunk and that I also wouldnt stop at one drink. I needed to hear them words because they're all true. Its only 11am and i feel sad that my dad and son are no longer here with me. Just been looking at the canvases on my stairs of my dad and son and my heart sank. I can't tell you how much I miss them both. Its hurts my heart. Why am I questioning my sobriety? Maybe because I feel like i dont fit in and I did when I was drinking. I dont drink, I quit the weed about 8 weeks ago, I dont smoke, I dont do drugs, I literally vape thats it and im giving that up when I go on holiday. I thought it would be a good time to quit, not buying one when im away. I tried to kill myself so many times in drink which is why I got sober. My kids are proud of me so why am I questioning it?! I dunno, im just having one of those day...

Been out today with Jesse to meet my sister and niece, Athena. Was nice to see them both. We went Costa and for myself and Jesse to have a bottle of Oasis, it cost nearly £6.. £6 for 2 bottles of pop. Absolutely ridiculous, yes I brought them as we were thirsty, but to then go in Poundland and they're a £1. Disgusting. Anyway, went Primark and brought some more new pjs. I have more pjs than I do clothes, but they're all covered in little holes where my cat claws the fuck out of my legs. Hes only 5 months old so im hoping he grows out of it because he can be quite pevish haha. Went round a few shops, got some bits from Iceland and came home. Straight into my new pjs haha. Was looking at the holiday stuff in Primark which ill have to start buying soon because our holiday to Magaluf is fast approaching. Im honestly dreading it. Ill be ok when we arrive, im just panicking about the airport and finding our transfers when we arrive. I have to keep telling myself ill be ok. Just had c...

March went by fast, I find that I dissociate alot and the months just pass me by. Jesse has just got home from his sleepover and cinema morning with Damian. He gave me a big hug and said he missed me. This is why I keep living. Its the little things that make a massive difference. That hug saved my life. My boys dont realise how much they save me everyday. Its 1:22pm and im still in my pjs. Had the laziest morning with Jesse not being here. Trying to be positive today and thankful. I try everyday to be as positive as I possibly can, but some days are so heavy. I struggle most days, so im always thankful for the "better" days. Myself and Jesse are meeting up with my sister and her kids tomorrow for hot chocolates, which will be nice. Im just doing a load of washing and im making a pasta bake for tea. Last night it was just me and Jensen in the house, so we had a cheeky take away. I had omelette and chips. Was so nice. I love an omelette from the take away, always taste better ...