Cancer, Depression and Me.

Sat here feeling depressed, contemplating getting back into bed, but also willing myself on to get a shower. My heart hurts today. Mothers day and one of my children are in heaven. My heart aches. Im sat here telling myself to get up and get showered. Ive lost the will to live. Im so sad inside. Got no plans for today, just going to try and get through the day the best way I can. I will get a shower at some point. I could just get into bed and just lie there and watch the time pass me by. I knew today was going to be shit, I knew it would knock me back mentally. Was awake at 8am! So much for a lie in this weekend. Don't know why ive been waking up early. I plan on Jesse doing another full week next week at school. Got no vape. Fuck my life. Not really got much to say today if im honest, i feel depressed. You'd think id be use to this depression by now, but everyday gives me something new to feel shitty about. Ive had cards, chocolates, a new signet rings and all I want is my so...

Woke up early, 9:10am to be precise. Wanted a lie in, but I didn't get much of one. Stripped my bedding and washed it all, love getting into fresh bedding. My friends brought me a bunch of roses today to chear me up. I really do have the best friends. Made me smile. Ive been so low just lately, can't seem to snap out of it. Grief is hard. Im struggling to be happy. Ive not showered in over a week, im going make myself shower and wash my hair tomorrow. Depression is horrible. Having depression and grief is killing me off slowly. Im starting running Monday with Jasper, told him I might need walk and run and hes fine with that. Got to start somewhere. Ill try my best to jog the whole way. Ill have my head phones on with Jay-Dees play list playing and we're going to run to the crem and back. Visit Jay-Dees flower bed. Really hope i get into this running and eating healthy from Monday because it will make me feel better im sure. Going buy lots of chicken Monday and try and eat b...

I know its Friday, but let's talk about Sundays. My dad died on a Sunday and so did my son. I hate Sundays. I mean, I hate everyday, but Sundays are worse. I really need start going back to church on a Sunday. Not been for a few months. I choose sleep over going church which is really bad, but im always so tired. Jesse has gone to school and we've done a full week. Feel a bit proud of that, its not a big deal to some, but it is to me. I struggle to find the will to live in the morning and Jesse usually has a day or two off every week, but this week ive forced myself to get up and take him. Two more weeks to go and then hes off for two weeks. Going try to not let him have any more time off. His attendance is bad so we need to build his percentage back up. Think hes on 77% which is bad, but im trying. That's all I can do, try my best. Can't wait for my lie in tomorrow. Hate the weekends, love a lie in, but all I can think is that my son left on a Saturday and killed himse...

Im angry some times at the fact non of Jay-Dees mates followed him that morning he killed himself. He was walking around Liverpool for 2 hours on his own before he decided to kill himself. It honestly kills me inside. Im angry that my son is dead. Bet it plays on his mates mind that they didn't intervene. If only someone followed him that morning, things could be so different now. I miss my baby so much, its literally killing me inside. I use to see my dad every single day and had phone calls off him everyday. Its a shock to the system. My world has been flipped upside down. My father and son are gone forever and I dont know how to live my life anymore. I dont know who I am or why im still here. God im so angry and upset. My brain can't quite believe what's happened. I can't process it all. Im struggling today. They're dead and never coming back and I dont know how to live without them. Its so easy for people to say 'they wouldnt want you to be sad', do you ...

Feel a bit better today. Been the cafe see my friends and actually laughed and engaged in conversation. Yay! Going see a few of my friends tonight for a catch up. Thank god for days like today. Don't get me wrong, im still depressed and really can't be bothered to go see my friends later, but I have to push myself to do things on my "better days". Im just doing a wash, ive been Asda for things for tea and stuff to make a steak and potato pie tomorrow. Tonight we're having pasta, tuna and mayo. Was meant be having sweetcorn, but I forgot that. Thought I had some in, but oh well. Jesses not had a day off this week upto now, so im doing good. Told myself he was doing a full week. His attendance is poor so im really trying. Absolutely hate getting up in the morning. 2 more weeks at school, then hes off for 2 weeks for the Easter holidays. Can't wait! I just love being asleep. My escape from the world. I thank god that im feeling better today. These are the days th...

Its only 10:10am and ive already thought about dying. Why am I like this? Wtf is wrong with me? Also, 10:10 is an angel number. Why am I so depressed? Oh I know why, because my dad and son are both dead! Im living a nightmare. Went the cafe this morning to see my friends, but had very little to say. Don't know why I bother going. I dont contribute anything, im just there, wearing a fake smile on my face. If only they knew how much I wish I was dead. Also, why do you have to be over 50 to take out a funeral plan? What about people like me that won't make it to 50?? I'd like to arrange my own funeral, so my kids dont have to. I'd happily pay monthly for my own funeral. Seriously think the age should be lowered. I bet im not the only person that thinks like I do. Living is hard work. Had anxiety this morning walking to Asda, needed to go the chemist to collect my medication, but my body wouldnt alow it. I got my bits from Asda and taxi'd home. Its in walking distance, ...

Ive told Natalie over and over that this thing with us, what ever it is you can call it, isn't going anywhere. Im sick of saying it to her. She just doesnt give up! Sick of it. She's making my mental health worse!! Having a shit day and shes pissing me off with her messages. She bombards me with messages and its draining me. I just want to be on my own. A relationship shouldn't be this much hard work. Sick of telling her to walk away. My heads fucked, she doesnt get it. Sick of telling her im not in a good place mentally. She's driving me insane. If she carries on im just going fucking block her on everything and move on. Weve been talking for 10 weeks, we've seen each other 3 times, she said she loves me.. fuck off!! It's infatuation not love. I just want to be on my own, what doesnt she get?? She doesnt understand how hard my days are and shes not making them any easier, shes adding to my depression. God im so fed up! Im having a shit day! I could scream!! I j...