Cancer, Depression and Me.

Got tearful in the cafe this morning, talking to my friends about their mental health and I told them about my suicidal ideation that I have most days. Living shouldn't be this hard. I was thinking of all the jobs ive done in the past and how much I loved working, to now been on the sick for over 5 years. After my dad died something died in me. I lost myself. I honestly feel like I died inside. Things just kept getting worse for me. Had to deal with having major open surgery to remove my cancer and then my son goes and kills himself. How do you come back from all this tragedy? I was telling my friend how mentally unwell I am and it upsets me. I never use to be like this. I was so outgoing and bubbly and now im a shell. Ive got nothing in me. The old me died the day my father died and ive not been found since. I keep trying to find me, but im having no luck. Ive booked bowling tomorrow tea time for me, Natalie and Jesse, but due know what, I dont even want to go. Yes, I know it will...

Not a good day mentally today. Keep seeing my dad and son on my digital photo frame ive got next to Jay-Dees urn on the fire, my heart aches. Oh how I wish life was different. Im a Christian, but I often find myself wondering why God gave them to me and then he took them away from me? Some days are hard and today is one of those hard days. Questioning my faith, why did God take them from me? I have to think about how my life has changed since they've been gone, for the better might I add, but that doesn't make me feel any better. Im sober now, would I be if my dad was still alive? The answer is no, so something good did come from my dad's death. Im trying to see the positives in my life. Ive prayed out loud today, ive prayed for strength to get me through today. Feel like crying. I miss them both so much. Ill never understand why God needed them more than I do. Im in a dark place today. There's no one in the house except me and I could easily kill myself, but then my ch...

Forced myself to get up and take Jesse school. He leaves 10 minutes before me for school because he goes on his bike. There's really no need for me to go anymore, but i like going the cafe to my friends. Anyway, i got school and a parent brought a tearful Jesse to me and said a lad had just forcefully pushed Jesse flying across the school playground. I said show me who it was. I walked to where Jesse pointed the lad out and I went 'oi!! Don't touch my child again!' I said it that loud that everyone stopped playing football. I dont care, im a good Christian, but dont fuck with my kids. I said to Jesse if it happens again, ill go straight to the child's mother. The push had cut all his little hand. Jesse didn't want go in school, I said if it happens again ill push the child's mother to the ground and see how she likes it. Anyway, he went in school after a big hug and kiss off me. I rushed back home from school to take Jasper the Drs and he asked me to rearran...

Didn't take Jesse school, he didn't want to go and I didn't want to get out of my cosy bed. So we didn't go. Told him no more time off now. I know i should of taken him. Hes going tomorrow for sure. Natalie asked me if she'd done something wrong, I was like, no why due ask that and she said she was just wondering. Fuck me, women are a head fuck. Mental health is shit as it is without some woman asking what shes done wrong. It's because I dont message her much, she shouldn't take it personally, its just who I am. I dont really talk much. Can't be bothered some days to talk at all. Since losing my dad and son and having cancer myself, ive just become a very quiet person. Im not outgoing anymore, im quiet and reserved. I see life differently now. I observe people and I try not to judge. We're all going through shit let's face it, so I just stay quiet. Death flipped my world upside down. Im not the same person I use to be. I dont drink for a start. I...

First of all, im 3 weeks off the weed. Go me! Feel so much better in myself. Anyway, we all know it was date day today. All morning I thought to myself im not going go, I wasn't sure if i was ready and it was just me doubting myself. Wondering if im worthy enough to even go on a date. I know ive already been on a date with Natalie, but this time it was at her home and she was cooking for me. I thought to myself, what have I got to lose, so I went on my date. Its been a long time since ive laughed and she had me laughing so much. She set the table for us to eat at, yes I was nervous about eating infront of her, but I was fine. She cooked steak, chips, onion rings, peas and pepper corn sauce. It was lovely. I asked if I could help with the dishes and she said no. Honestly, I had a really nice time with her. Weve been having something do with each other for 8 weeks, so today we went in a relationship with each other on Facebook. That's when you know its official haha. But seriousl...

Showered, washed my hair, blow dried and straightened it ready for my dinner date tomorrow. Honestly, how ive not shaved my hair off yet is a miracle. I absolutely hate doing my hair. Wouldn't of even bothered washing it if I wasn't meeting Natalie tomorrow. Hate it!! I only wash it once a week and thats too much if you ask me. Im dead nervous about going Natalie's tomorrow. She has an open plan kitchen she said, so ill be able see everything shes doing. Some times I think its easier being on my own. That way I can just let myself go haha. Hate having to make an effort. Life's tiring. Anyway, my hair is done. Its below my bra strap fastening, its gotten so long. Love it when its done, but HATE doing it. Slept in till half 10 this morning, didn't even want to get up. My bed was so comfy. I dont feel too bad today, got my mate coming for a cuppa soon. Who am I kidding, I dont feel too bad haha im fucking depressed as shit. Have to force myself to get out of bed. God h...

I remember crying in my dreams last night as I sat beside my dad's hospital bed as he was dying. I hate these type of dreams. I dont want to relive my dad's death, but i do. I relive it when im awake and when im asleep. Its cruel. God I miss that man so much. I relive my sons death, even though I wasn't there, I read the coroners report and I know how he died, what injuries he had, how he landed. I know everything and its a fucking living nightmare. Ill never know why my son killed himself and thats torture. I never got to say goodbye and that kills me. When I dream about my dad and son, it really affects me when I wake up. I already know im going to have a shitty day and its only 11:17am. Ive just stripped my bedding because my new coverless duvet has arrived. Got no plans for today. Its take away night tonight, so we're getting a Domino's pizza. One more lie in and then its back to the school run. This last week has flown by. I feel like shit today and i know its ...