Cancer, Depression and Me.

Didn't take Jesse school, he didn't want to go and I didn't want to get out of my cosy bed. So we didn't go. Told him no more time off now. I know i should of taken him. Hes going tomorrow for sure. Natalie asked me if she'd done something wrong, I was like, no why due ask that and she said she was just wondering. Fuck me, women are a head fuck. Mental health is shit as it is without some woman asking what shes done wrong. It's because I dont message her much, she shouldn't take it personally, its just who I am. I dont really talk much. Can't be bothered some days to talk at all. Since losing my dad and son and having cancer myself, ive just become a very quiet person. Im not outgoing anymore, im quiet and reserved. I see life differently now. I observe people and I try not to judge. We're all going through shit let's face it, so I just stay quiet. Death flipped my world upside down. Im not the same person I use to be. I dont drink for a start. I...

First of all, im 3 weeks off the weed. Go me! Feel so much better in myself. Anyway, we all know it was date day today. All morning I thought to myself im not going go, I wasn't sure if i was ready and it was just me doubting myself. Wondering if im worthy enough to even go on a date. I know ive already been on a date with Natalie, but this time it was at her home and she was cooking for me. I thought to myself, what have I got to lose, so I went on my date. Its been a long time since ive laughed and she had me laughing so much. She set the table for us to eat at, yes I was nervous about eating infront of her, but I was fine. She cooked steak, chips, onion rings, peas and pepper corn sauce. It was lovely. I asked if I could help with the dishes and she said no. Honestly, I had a really nice time with her. Weve been having something do with each other for 8 weeks, so today we went in a relationship with each other on Facebook. That's when you know its official haha. But seriousl...

Showered, washed my hair, blow dried and straightened it ready for my dinner date tomorrow. Honestly, how ive not shaved my hair off yet is a miracle. I absolutely hate doing my hair. Wouldn't of even bothered washing it if I wasn't meeting Natalie tomorrow. Hate it!! I only wash it once a week and thats too much if you ask me. Im dead nervous about going Natalie's tomorrow. She has an open plan kitchen she said, so ill be able see everything shes doing. Some times I think its easier being on my own. That way I can just let myself go haha. Hate having to make an effort. Life's tiring. Anyway, my hair is done. Its below my bra strap fastening, its gotten so long. Love it when its done, but HATE doing it. Slept in till half 10 this morning, didn't even want to get up. My bed was so comfy. I dont feel too bad today, got my mate coming for a cuppa soon. Who am I kidding, I dont feel too bad haha im fucking depressed as shit. Have to force myself to get out of bed. God h...

I remember crying in my dreams last night as I sat beside my dad's hospital bed as he was dying. I hate these type of dreams. I dont want to relive my dad's death, but i do. I relive it when im awake and when im asleep. Its cruel. God I miss that man so much. I relive my sons death, even though I wasn't there, I read the coroners report and I know how he died, what injuries he had, how he landed. I know everything and its a fucking living nightmare. Ill never know why my son killed himself and thats torture. I never got to say goodbye and that kills me. When I dream about my dad and son, it really affects me when I wake up. I already know im going to have a shitty day and its only 11:17am. Ive just stripped my bedding because my new coverless duvet has arrived. Got no plans for today. Its take away night tonight, so we're getting a Domino's pizza. One more lie in and then its back to the school run. This last week has flown by. I feel like shit today and i know its ...

Dad visited me in my dreams last night, then i woke up..  love it when i dream about my dad and son, but I absolutely hate waking up. Got YouTube on the tv playing music and just as ive started to write this blog, dad's funeral song has just played, Burning Love by Elvis Presley. If thats not a sign then I dont know what is.  Do you see Angel Numbers? Ive been seeing them all through the day and night for years. Some times I think i might be going crazy, but seeing them gives me reassurance. Honestly, i fucking hate being mentally unwell. Dusted my living room and Jay-Dees urn. Just breaks my heart having his ashes infront of my fire, but saying that, I wouldnt want him anywhere else. Hes safe with me and so is my dad. Hes in my bedroom. Kills me everyday, but im glad they're both with me, brings me a bit of comfort. Its just hard seeing your dad and son in an urn everyday. My heart aches today. I love going asleep early because I know there's always a chance ill see my fat...

Not done anything today, been in my pjs all day and had a lazy day. Jesse didn't get back from Alton Towers until tea time, so ive enjoyed the peace and quiet. Dont feel too bad today. Cooked a chicken, so we had stuffing and chicken sandwiches for tea. Its nearly bedtime thank god. Can't wait go sleep. Done nothing but yawn all day today. My brother is coming tomorrow after work for a few hours, so that'll break my day up. Im going Natalie's Monday day time for a meal shes cooking me. Heads still fucked up, but im just going to go with the flow. Don't know what I want out of life. Living is hard work and it shouldn't be. Life shouldn't be this hard. My roots need doing, my hairs a mess, which then makes me feel a mess. Jasper stayed over last night so ive had his company all day. Hes still here now, but hes going soon and then im getting into bed. Love having my boys around me. I dont want them grow up. Love my boys more than anything in the world. They kee...

Its 9.20am, I was up at 8am getting Jesse ready for his sleepover at Alton Towers. He went at 9am, so hes got a full day on the rides and a sleepover there. He was so excited bless him. Ive just made myself a cup of tea and its so peaceful. Im going see my friends at dinner time, then out for tea with Jasper and Jensen later. Going be nice spend time with my older boys. Think we're going for a Toby Carvery. Yum! Just wish Jay-Dee was here to come with us. Makes me sad inside. Miss my dad and son so much. I was going go back bed when Jesse went, but im wide awake now. Ive got a psychiatrist appointment next month and im going tell her how depressed I am and how I think about killing myself often. My mental health is so shit. Anyway, a whole day and night to myself, ive done my dishes, I have no washing to do, so thats good. Im just going enjoy my peace and quiet. I often wonder what life would be like if I wasn't mentally unwell. I'd love to be able enjoy life and do things ...