Cancer, Depression and Me.

Had crazy dreams last night and one of them dreams I was shopping with Jay-Dee, buying him new clothes and shoes.. then I fucking woke up!! I could cry. I miss my baby so much. Im crying now. Didn't think I could cry anymore, but here I am crying. I just want my son back, I want my dad back. I hate my life. I hate being alive. Today is going to be a shit day. Absolutely loved dreaming of my child and then I had to wake up. I keep thinking what if this life is all a dream and then when we die we wake up? Makes you think doesnt it. Ive got no energy today. I need to shower and wash my hair, but I wish id of just died in my sleep. I hate life today. Dreaming of my child has just set me back. Had such a good day yesterday and today im crying over a dream. Due know why im crying? It's because ive stopped taking my morning medication. 375mg of Venlafexine I take in the morning and I stopped a few days ago. Sick of feeling nothing. Maybe it wasn't a good idea, but im just desperat...

So today ive had a card and my favourite flowers delivered. Roses and Lillie's. Ill post a pic at the end of this blog. Its been years since ive had anything for Valentines Day, so its been so nice. I feel loved. Its about time someone made me happy. Ive had my friend here for hours, she was here that long we drank 4 cups of tea each haha. Its been nice have a catch up with her. My day has been lovely. Waiting for Jasper to come and we're getting pizza for tea. I wished my boys a happy Valentines day this morning and told them how much I love them. Life's too short to not tell someone you love them. Since my dad passed away and then Jay-Dee, its made me realise how precious life is. Today im grateful im alive. Love my boys more than life itself. Im hoping things work out with me and Natalie. It would be nice to feel happiness. You never know, this could be my year where everything works out for me. Mental health is still shit, but I have a smile on my face today. When the d...

Natalie said ive got something being delivered tomorrow for Valentines Day, not going lie, im a bit excited. You know what? I really deserve this happiness. Ive waited and prayed for so long, I deserve to be happy. Don't get me wrong, im depressed as fuck, but shes making my days a bit brighter and thats the main thing isn't it? Let's hope it works out. Im not rushing anything, what will be, will be. She's been shopping and brought me my favourite chocolates, Gullian Seashells to give me Monday on our date. She's ticking all the right boxes haha. Been out today to buy a vape, its harder than I thought to quit. At least ive quit the weed, thats the main thing. Took Jesse get a haircut and went the oatcake shop for fresh oatcakes for tea. Back in my pjs now. Natalie makes me smile, I just hope things work out between us. We're just taking things slowly. 11 days weed free and i feel so much better for it. Im cooking more now im not stoned all the time, and im more ...

Feel a bit shitty today. I look at myself and i just see an ugly person. Im 10 days off the weed and ive gained 2lb! How the fuck does that work? Ive been eating way less than I usually do, so how the fuck have I gained weight?? Crazy. Im going try doing a calorie deficit diet from Monday. Can't start a diet half way through the week. Diets always start on a Monday haha. Just dusted my fireplace and told my son i miss him as I was dusting his urn. Ever likely I feel a bit deflated. Told my dad I miss him too. If people could see me talking to the dead they'd think I was crazy. I talk to them both everyday. I tell them my problems because in my heart, I know they can hear me. My heart aches. God I miss them both so much. 55 and 21. No age to die. Jesse breaks up today, thank god. I need sleep. I keep waking up after 11pm thinking its morning. I woke up last night telling Jesse to take his coat off. God knows why. He was fast asleep and I woke him up telling him to take his coat ...

9 days off the weed. I miss it some times, but ill be £120 a month better off. My vape has nearly run out and i plan on quitting that tomorrow too. That's another £80 a month better off ill be. £200 a month on smoking is crazy so I need to quit. Im a strong woman ill do it. If I can do over 4 years with no alcohol, Im capable of anything. Cooked pork chops for tea and I just didn't like it. Don't like meat on the bone. Saying that, there was hardly any meat on them. They were tiny little chops. Waste of money. Ill stick to my pork loin steaks I buy. I slow cook them in gravy and they go lovely. Last night's tea was lovely. Homemade lasagne and fresh veg. I love cooking for my kids. Knowing they enjoy what I cook warms my heart. I love being a mum. I was so blessed to of birthed 4 boys. Don't feel too bad today, mentally speaking. Im doing ok. I have bad days and I have better days. Its just the way my life is going to be. Its the suicidal thoughts I have that are th...

Just had a workman here doing an asbestos check before I get a new thermostat next week and he knew Jay-Dee. He said he was a lovely lad and hes sorry for our loss. Made me well up. Im absolutely gutted. My son should still be here with me. Just watched a tiktok about my dad and im just heartbroken inside. Its the little things that trigger grief. I was doing ok this morning and now i could cry. God I miss them both so much. I hate being alive! I just want to see them both again. I know they'll understand why i can't go yet, my other boys need me. So I have to stay alive. Grief is hard. Anyway, ive paid for Valentines afternoon tea with Jesse today. That will take my mind off things if only for a short time. Everything's going good with Natalie. Could this be the year where I get some happiness? I deserve some and ive waited so long for it. Sat on my bed this morning and contemplated taking Jesse school, but I took him. He breaks up Thursday for a week. Ive been Asda and im...

Well, i went on my date. I went Asda first and brought a bunch of pink roses and a valentines teddy bear. I wanted to treat her. Start as I mean to go on. She had the biggest smile when I gave them to her. I was so nervous waiting outside Cafe Nero, but when I saw her walking towards me I had the biggest smile on my face. We chatted and before I left I gave her a kiss. Honestly feel like im on cloud 9 at the moment. Not felt happiness like this for years and years. I deserve this dont I. Got a smile on my face as I write this blog. Thank you Jesus for sending me someone to love. Im just so happy today. On my way home i got chatting to the Uber driver and he asked if I had any children and I said ive got 4 boys. He asked how old they were because he said i only look young, bless him. I said im 42, he said i only look in my 30s, but anyway, i didn't have the heart to tell him one of my sons passed away, so I just spoke like Jay-Dee was still alive. Anyway, Natalie has lost her sister...