Cancer, Depression and Me.

Fighting for a life I dont even want. Jay-Dee would of been 23 today. My boy, forever 21. My heart is broken. I feel so numb today. Ive been to therapy and didn't hear a word. Feel like im not with it today. My heads all over the place. I can't describe the pain I feel inside. I'm tired, i just want to curl into a ball and sleep. I want to lie in bed and let the world pass me by. My head is just above water. My beautiful friends at school have brought me flowers and card today, to say they're thinking of me. How very thoughtful of them. I love my friends. Ive had messages on Facebook & wattsapp from friends telling me they're thinking of me. Makes me realise how much support ive got. I'm so thankful for my friends. Today is a shit day. Going the crem later to lay flowers. Its only dinner time and im already done with today.

I feel upset today. Ive brought Jay-Dee a birthday like i have done every year and i will carry on doing. Ive been talking to his urn and its heartbreaking. Talking to a wooden box instead of my child is the hardest thing in the world. I'm absolutely gutted that he's not here with me. He will be 23 tomorrow, but forever 21. You know what's hard? Watching Jensen grow up knowing Jay-Dee is only 11 months older than him. Seeing Jensen do things that Jay-Dee should be doing. I'll never understand why he took his own life and ive got to live with this pain forever. Why has life been this way? Why have I been chosen to fight so many battles? Life is hard. Didn't go the cafe this morning, just went Asda got my shopping and came home. Wasn't in the mood to socialise this morning. I did message my friends to say I wouldnt be there. I wish I could just lie in bed forever. Hate doing life. Even when im having a better day im still sad inside. Ive smiled and said morning to...

Was awake at 7am ready for our half 8 pick up. We had to set off early to avoid the marathon. The weather has been red hot, its been the best day. I love how we have our blended family and do things all together with the kids. Its how it should be. Life's too short. Ive done some walking today, definitely got my steps in. On the way home i found myself staring at the sky thinking about Jay-Dee and my dad. It hurts my heart not having them here, especially my son. He was 21 years of age. Its no age at all. Not looking forward to Tuesday. My beautiful boy should be turning 23. Jensen is working that day but after work we're going the crem to lay flowers on Jay-Dees flower bed. I'm so thankful that Damian pays for his flower bed because its somewhere we can go to remember him. I'm so glad I have his and my dad's ashes with me. They're safe with me. I talk to them both everyday in the hopes they can hear me. My heart is heavy. I know its because Jay-Dees birthday is...

It's not been a bad day today. Ive been out shopping with my friends then we went to China Gardens where I had a Fanta. Done me the world of good to get out with my friends. Always lifts my mood. I told them that its Jay-Dees birthday on Tuesday and they're so supportive. I'm going Drayton Manor tomorrow, got to be up early so we can leave before the marathon starts. I love doing stuff through the day because it keeps my mind occupied. I'm not looking forward to Tuesday,  my first born should of been turning 23 but he's forever 21. Life shouldn't be this way. My child should still be here. Ive got trauma therapy the same day so it'll keep my mind occupied for a few hours. My brother gave me £50 earlier to go shopping with because im broke. How lovely is that. Anyway, im just catching up on Married At First Sight, bed early tonight ready for my early start. 

Life has knocked me down over and over again and I just keep getting back up. Where is my strength coming from? I dont know how im doing it. I show up everyday regardless of how im feeling. I'm proud of myself for not giving up on life. Ive thought about drinking the past few days, but ive not given in. What would I achieve from starting to drink again? I'm strong because im sober. I'm strong because I have faith. I'm strong because I have 3 children that need their mum. I have to stay sober, my life depends on it. Felt a bit gutted that my ex Zoe has moved on, but the more I think about it, I finally feel free. I can finally move on with my life knowing shes someone else's problem haha. I did a tan last night and was up at half 6 this morning getting a shower. Its crazy how much a tan can improve your mood. My brother will be here when he's finished work. Mentally im not doing too bad. Its Jay-Dees 23rd birthday Tuesday, the same day as my therapy. Not looking ...

Today has been ok, went a craft afternoon with Jesse at school. I never tell him ive booked on, I just turn up and the smile he has on his face when he sees me is priceless. I love seeing my kids smile. Just found out my ex is in a relationship with someone new. I feel like its given me closure. I can finally move on with my life. I wish her all the best. I can tell how much ive grown as a person. I'm not bitter, im just happy she's out of my life for good now. Wonder when ill meet someone new, im not in no rush. I need to get better first. I need to love me before I love someone else and at the moment, I dont love me. I need to find myself again. It would be nice to meet someone, but im in no rush. I'm not even sure what gender I want to be with anymore. I'm so confused. It'll happen when the time is right. Ive done myself a tan again so ive got wake up early to shower it off before the school run. Don't know why I do these things because it will kill me gettin...

Got really bad tooth ache, a tooth on my left hand side is killing me, ive just had some paracetamol. Got a dentist appointment for the 8th of next month. Let's hope I can go that long with this tooth. Its affecting the left hand side of my face. Oh well, anyway, I went Hanley this morning to meet my sister. I got a taxi there and I was absolutely fine. I'm so proud of myself for getting up everyday and living this life. As much as I wish I was dead, im trying my best to stay alive. Days like today give me hope. Ive thought about my dad and Jay-Dee today, like I do everyday. That will never change for as long as i live. I'm just trying to carry grief better. Some days its heavy and weighs me down, and some days I carry it with me as I go about my day. The bad days out weigh the good, but im hoping that will change as time goes on. I'm going in the right direction, im medicated and now im having therapy sessions. I really am trying to stay alive. This god damn tooth is k...