Cancer, Depression and Me.

Had a boring day, cleaned around, did some washing and got it dried on the line. I went my friends for a few hours this evening, which broke my day up and that's it. Ive book Just Kidding for tomorrow tea time to take Jesse for a few hours. Jasper said he'll come with me so that'll be nice. Mentally I've had a shitty day, im glad im sat on my own now so I dont have to fake smile. I can see that im functioning whilst having depression. I'm not sure how, but I am. Granted I get anxiety about doing certain things, but that's something im trying to overcome. That's why I visit my friends, I push myself to leave the house, even when I dont want to. I didn't want leave the house earlier, but I pushed myself to go so I dont become consumed by my house. I know how easy it is to hit rock bottom and that's why im fighting so hard to stay afloat. I knew yesterday that today would be shit because I had nothing planned. Its 20 past 9 at night and im sat drinking ...

Got up early today and went on my driving lesson. He keeps taking me over roundabouts and I hate it. I just start to panick and I don't know why. I'm ok with my clutch control and gears now. I should of just learnt in an automatic, but im too far in now. Think today was my 17th lesson and at £40 a time, im not about to give up. I nipped see my friend Rachael for a couple of hours this afternoon and that's about it.  After seeing Rachael and Ange I got home, got a shower and in fresh pjs.  Day 2 of the holidays nearly done. I feel ok today. After my lesson Jesse and I walked to Asda to get snacks. Its not been a bad day. Everyday i think about dieting and every day I fail, so I just think fuck it. I give up, maybe this is the weight im meant to be, who knows. I'm sick of worrying everyday about my weight. Life's too short isn't it?  It's only 8:20pm and I already can't wait to get into bed. I'm tired today. Ive got zero plans for tomorrow so I reckon ...

Day 1 of the holidays, ive done nothing today. I didnt get of bed until 10:40. Had a massive lie in. I feel like shit, got no energy to do anything or go anywhere. Im just doing a load of washing, was going peg it out but its given out thunder storms on my weather app. Im tired of life today, I feel like life just sucks the life out of me. I know its the grief and the depression, ive just got to get through the day. Its quarter to 4 now, the day has gone pretty fast. Jasper slept last night so hes not long gone back home. I cant wait go bed, honestly, im so tired of being alive. I hope these next 6 weeks go fast and i can get back to a routine. It does me good to leave the house, even if it is just the school run and shops.Ive got a driving lesson in the morning so got to be up early, ill be taking Jesse with me. I did the last half term they had. He was as good as gold sat in the back, he didnt say a word. I keep thinking of giving up with the lessons but ive spent a fortune already a...

What an amazing night i had last night watching all the boxing and MMA fighters. It was the first time in years I've got dressed up for a night out. I felt lovely. I was nervous about going because of my anxiety, but I was fine once I was there. I saw a few people I knew too. Watching Jensens fight my hands were shaking with nerves for him. It was hard to watch your son fighting, but he only went and bloody won!! I couldn't be prouder and I know Jay-Dee would of been there watching him. I feel so proud today. Jensen worked really hard for last night's fight and his hard work paid off and he won. I'm the proudest mum today. Not going lie, I feel shattered this morning, think its because I took my night time medication alot later than usual so im still tired. I'm feeling ok, gutted Jay-Dee wasn't there last night, but im sure he would of been watching over his brother from where ever he is. My dad would of been there too if he was alive, I just know they're bo...

You know, over Christmas I was having panic attacks about leaving the house. I think its because we were stuck in for Christmas and it was my first Christmas without Jay-Dee,  well anyway, I was just sat thinking about how much of a bad place I was in mentally and how far I've come. I know i don't go very far, but im leaving the house most days, im socialising with friends even though I don't want to. I'm pushing myself to do more and its working. I'm hoping I don't go down bank over the 6 week holidays. I need to leave the house as much as I can. Where im going to go, I don't know. Even if its just the park for an hour or so, I need to push myself. Jesse is happy he's got 6 weeks off now and im happy I don't have to set an alarm. Thought about my dad and son today and im doing ok. Depressed but not suicidal, so I'll take that. I'm going bed early tonight, when I say early I mean about 9 or 10, because im tired. I'm always tired and I tak...

Another day of hanging on by a thread. Another day of heartache. God i miss my child so much it hurts. My dad was my best friend and my son was my first born. To lose them both is just tragic. I would literally give my life to have them both back. I know its not possible, and ill have this heartache forever. I'm just hoping grief becomes easier to live with as time goes on. All day long all I think about is my dad and son. All day, everyday. Some times I feel like im going crazy because im consumed by grief. Often I think im losing my mind. Its horrible. I try my best everyday to get through each day and im doing it, how I don't know, but I am.  Jensen has got his first fight Saturday and im so nervous, what if he ends up injured or gets hit wrong in the head or something? I'm petrified that I'll lose another child. I can't take anymore heartache. One more death would tip me over the edge for sure. After school I wanted get a shower and get in my pjs, but I've j...

I can't describe the pain I feel inside over the death of my father and son. It hits me everyday that they're gone and ill never see them again. My brain can't comprehend the fact that they're gone. Everyday i wish I could see them, hear their voice, see their smile. Everyday my heart breaks over and over again. I have a constant ache inside, my heart feels heavy. Grief is waying me down. I can't see a way out of how I feel, only death. Ive been under my psychiatrist now for a few years and she's not really done anything to help me except prescribe medication. Yes, the medication helps, because god knows how I'd be now without it, but it hasn't fixed how I feel. Its just numbed the pain. My heart hurts and I know it can't be fixed. The only way out of this is death and that's not an option. Once again, I can't leave my children behind. I wake up everyday and im gutted that I wake up. I just wish I could sleep the day away. The pain is unbeara...