Cancer, Depression and Me.

I'm having a shit day today. I've thought about killing myself and then I thought about Jesse waiting for me after school and me not being there to collect him. So I can't kill myself can I? I keep thinking could I of done more to prevent my son from killing himself? I feel like I should of done more but what could I of done? Why didn't he message me or ring me? Why my son? I have so many unanswered questions and I'll never get an answer until I see him again. I wish I could turn back the clock and save his life. I wish I could of saved my son. I'm just having a bad day. Jensen travels back from Colombia today, his holiday has gone so fast. I can't wait to see him. I'm trying have a sleep on the settee but I can't switch my brain off. I just keep thinking about Jay-Dee. Life is hard work isn't it? I've not long had bacon and cheese oatcakes. I'm obsessed with bacon at the moment. I wake up in the morning and I can't wait go back bed. ...

So I've just had my 4th driving lesson. I stalled it a few times, I'm not taking my foot off the clutch slow enough! God I hope it starts to come naturally. I just keep thinking everyone who's new to driving probably stalled alot to in the beginning. Well that's what I'm telling myself anyway. I started calorie counting yesterday and managed stay under 1400 calories. I tried weighing myself before I started and the batteries had gone in my scales, but I roughly know what I am because I've weighed myself a few weeks ago. I've got alot of weight to lose so we'll see if I can stick to the calorie counting.  I went Asda this  morning and brought some healthy ready meals for my tea. As long as I stick under 1400 calories I should be able to lose a few lbs each week. Like I say though, it's only day 2 but upto now I'm doing good. I've got a calorie counting app on my phone so I just have to scan everything I eat. Pretty simple really. I've got ...

I saw every hour on the clock Friday night, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't switch off, my sons funeral song was playing over and over in my head. All yesterday I spent under my blanket on the settee. I tried to nap but still couldn't switch off it was horrible. Thankfully I slept better last night but Friday night was absolute torture.  I know my mum sleeps shit so I was messaging her at 3am and she was awake too. Jesse's back at school tomorrow, how fast has this past week gone. Crazy. I think to myself often, how are my dad and my son gone forever. It still doesn't seem real that I'll never see them again. It plays on my mind. Ever likely I can't switch off at night. Grief is hard. I can be fine 1 minute and the next I can feel depressed.  I know it's something I've got to learn to live with, I know this, but some days are harder than others. I've got no plans for today. The weather is rubbish. I'm sat wondering what I can do to pass the time...

It's done me so much good getting out of the house the past few days. Met up with my friends today at Just Kidding whilst the kids all played and had fun. I even talked about Jay-Dee and was able to smile.  I'm so lucky to have such supportive friends around me.  We talked about my sobriety and how amazing it is that even after the death of my son, I remain sober. It's not been an easy journey to be on, sobriety is hard work. I can feel myself getting stronger everyday. I've pushed myself this week to do things and I'm so glad I have. The evenings are hard, around 5:30pm Jay-Dee would usually come walking in from work and I miss having his tea ready for him. I miss everything about him. I miss his cheeky little smile he use to do, I miss washing his work clothes and having them ready on a Sunday night. I just miss my son so much. They say when a child dies you begin another life. You had the life when your child was alive and then you have to start all over again wh...

Yesterday when Jesse was with Damian I went to visit my mate Rachael and today I've been to visit my mum. I'm getting out of the house more which is good. I've got plans everyday this week which will be good. Jesse is going Alton Towers tomorrow for a sleep over with Damian so my sister is cooking me my tea. Wednesday I'm going my mates for dinner. Thursday I've booked Just Kidding with my friends from school, which will be nice for us all to meet up and then on Friday my brother visits. So this week won't be so bad. It does my mental health the world of good getting out of the house. I have anxiety but I push through. I've just got to keep pushing through and try to get better. I'm fine once I'm out of the house, it's when I'm stuck in my mind goes on overdrive.  It was 37 weeks yesterday since my son passed away, Sundays are a hard day but going to visit my friend took my mind off things. I know he will always be on my mind, but some days a...

It hit me again the other night, that I'm never going to see my son again. I've felt low the past couple of days. It's true what they say about grief, it really does come in waves. I still can't believe he's gone forever.  My son Jensen flys out to Colombia today and I've got anxiety about him going. He's got 2 days of travelling alone. Doesn't matter how old they get they will always be my babies and I will always worry. Because I've lost a child I think I worry even more, I can't lose another child.  It's going to be a long 10 days without him here. Changing the subject slightly, I've been binge watching Yellow Stone, if you haven't seen it you should definitely give it a go. I think it's brilliant.  I've got my friend coming later for a few hours and that's about it for today. I've got no plans. Jesse has broke up now for half term so I need to do things with him so we're not stuck in this house. It's hard t...

Had my 3rd driving lesson yesterday and he threw me in at the deep end and had me driving to Leek and back. I shocked myself at how well I did. I still stalled it a couple of times but I'm getting there. 2 of my friends came last night for a catch up and cups of tea. Yesterday wasn't a bad day because I was occupied. It's when I'm sat on my own I get sad. I've been for a valentines afternoon tea today with Jesse at school, and tomorrow I'm booked on an afternoon craft session which is for valentines day. Jesse breaks up tomorrow for half term and I need to get out of this house as much as I can so I don't go insane. I'm meeting my friends through the holidays and my sister and mum so I should be ok.  I've just made a butter chicken curry for tea with rice and garlic bread and I must say it was lovely. Today has been a better day. I dreamt last night that I started drinking alcohol again, how weird. I do miss drinking some times but I know it would ki...