Cancer, Depression and Me.

It's done me so much good getting out of the house the past few days. Met up with my friends today at Just Kidding whilst the kids all played and had fun. I even talked about Jay-Dee and was able to smile.  I'm so lucky to have such supportive friends around me.  We talked about my sobriety and how amazing it is that even after the death of my son, I remain sober. It's not been an easy journey to be on, sobriety is hard work. I can feel myself getting stronger everyday. I've pushed myself this week to do things and I'm so glad I have. The evenings are hard, around 5:30pm Jay-Dee would usually come walking in from work and I miss having his tea ready for him. I miss everything about him. I miss his cheeky little smile he use to do, I miss washing his work clothes and having them ready on a Sunday night. I just miss my son so much. They say when a child dies you begin another life. You had the life when your child was alive and then you have to start all over again wh...

Yesterday when Jesse was with Damian I went to visit my mate Rachael and today I've been to visit my mum. I'm getting out of the house more which is good. I've got plans everyday this week which will be good. Jesse is going Alton Towers tomorrow for a sleep over with Damian so my sister is cooking me my tea. Wednesday I'm going my mates for dinner. Thursday I've booked Just Kidding with my friends from school, which will be nice for us all to meet up and then on Friday my brother visits. So this week won't be so bad. It does my mental health the world of good getting out of the house. I have anxiety but I push through. I've just got to keep pushing through and try to get better. I'm fine once I'm out of the house, it's when I'm stuck in my mind goes on overdrive.  It was 37 weeks yesterday since my son passed away, Sundays are a hard day but going to visit my friend took my mind off things. I know he will always be on my mind, but some days a...

It hit me again the other night, that I'm never going to see my son again. I've felt low the past couple of days. It's true what they say about grief, it really does come in waves. I still can't believe he's gone forever.  My son Jensen flys out to Colombia today and I've got anxiety about him going. He's got 2 days of travelling alone. Doesn't matter how old they get they will always be my babies and I will always worry. Because I've lost a child I think I worry even more, I can't lose another child.  It's going to be a long 10 days without him here. Changing the subject slightly, I've been binge watching Yellow Stone, if you haven't seen it you should definitely give it a go. I think it's brilliant.  I've got my friend coming later for a few hours and that's about it for today. I've got no plans. Jesse has broke up now for half term so I need to do things with him so we're not stuck in this house. It's hard t...

Had my 3rd driving lesson yesterday and he threw me in at the deep end and had me driving to Leek and back. I shocked myself at how well I did. I still stalled it a couple of times but I'm getting there. 2 of my friends came last night for a catch up and cups of tea. Yesterday wasn't a bad day because I was occupied. It's when I'm sat on my own I get sad. I've been for a valentines afternoon tea today with Jesse at school, and tomorrow I'm booked on an afternoon craft session which is for valentines day. Jesse breaks up tomorrow for half term and I need to get out of this house as much as I can so I don't go insane. I'm meeting my friends through the holidays and my sister and mum so I should be ok.  I've just made a butter chicken curry for tea with rice and garlic bread and I must say it was lovely. Today has been a better day. I dreamt last night that I started drinking alcohol again, how weird. I do miss drinking some times but I know it would ki...

So, I went church yesterday,  Damian took Jesse out for the day. I absolutely love going to church. It fills me with so much peace and love. I love my church family. I've just got back from seeing my friends in the cafe. I've got such a good group of friends, who are very supportive.  I didn't want get out of bed this morning, I contemplated letting Jesse have the day off school, but i forced myself to take him and I'm glad I did.  I've got no plans for today except cleaning. Oh the joys. As much as I think to myself that I can't do this anymore, I am in fact doing this. I'm getting up everyday and I'm getting through each day and for that I'm thankful. I brought my friend Tom a thank you gift. It's a selection of chocolates that say 'thankyou'. He checks up on me daily to see if I'm ok so I thought it would be nice. It's nice to show appreciation. I gave it him this morning in the cafe. I'm not feeling too bad today mentally ...

Not felt too bad since I spent the day under my blanket all day Thursday. My brother came yesterday morning and stayed till the evening and my friend has been this morning. That's what I need people around me.  When you're sat alone the mind goes on overdrive doesn't it? Or is it just me? Anyway, had a good catch up with Rachael and she's starting her driving lessons the end of this month so it's give us both something to look forward to. I have my 3rd lesson on Tuesday and I'm both nervous and excited. It's my dream to be able to drive. I feel so isolated because I don't drive. Life will improve dramatically when I'm driving, I think. I'm just about to start watching Yellow Stone. My brother has recommended it, he said its brill so I'll give it a go. I'm just doing some washing and cleaning to keep me busy in between watching this programme. I find it hard to sit and concentrate on a programme if I'm not into it, so we'll see if ...

All day ive thought about Jay-Dee.  I will forever ask 'why'? What must of been going on in my sons head to think suicide was the only option.  It kills me inside. I have days where I want to kill myself so I can understand if he was having suicidal thoughts. I just wish he'd of messaged me or something. I wish I could of saved him. I wish my son was still here. I know first hand how hard them days are where you think you can't go on. I battle with suicidal thoughts alot. I wish things were different. I wish I could of saved my child. I ask him why on a daily basis, hoping to hear his reply. I've got to wait for my death before I can see my son and dad again.  Why has so much tragedy happened in such a short space of time and why did I survive my cancer? I have so many unanswered questions.  My world has been flipped upside down and I've got try and live with everything that's happened. Ever likely my heads a mess. I miss my son and dad every single day. Not...