Cancer, Depression and Me.

With tears streaming down my face, I type this blog. Really struggling today, my mental health is shocking. I honestly wish I was dead. I dont think I can do this anymore. Im tired of fighting everyday. Im just so fucking tired of being alive. Im mentally tired of life. How selfish is it that I have to stay alive for my kids. I wish someone would just say, "its ok to go now". I wish my kids could live without me. Im literally forcing myself to stay alive for my kids. Ive been awake since early hours with really bad acid in my throat and ive thrown my guts up. Im tired, I know im tired because im crying alot. I ordered a beginners crochet set that is coming today. Lets hope it occupies my mind. I keep thinking about how I have enough medication to kill myself. Do you know how hard it is to battle suicidal idiation? Its fucking torture!! My psychiatrist wants me to do some more bereavement counselling but not at the moment, she thinks its too soon. Its been 21 weeks without my

Jesse went a Halloween thing Sunday with Damian, at Trentham Gardens and yesterday I spent the day with my sister, carving pumpkins with Jesse and my niece Athena. Myself and my sister did each others hair and watched a horror and today I've literally just battled with suicidal thoughts. I keep having visions of me hanging. When I'm stuck in the house I have to battle with my own thoughts. My mind needs to be occupied all the time.  I need a hobby don't I? God I hate being alive. I've just had to drag my dryer outside because my new one comes tomorrow.  Yes, my dryer packed in a week ago. I've been drying my washing on the radiators. It's been a stressful week. Crazy how much we rely on things like a dryer. I don't feel too good today, my friend was meant to be coming who I've not seen for ages but, I've been awake through the night with a bad stomach and really bad acid. Anyway, I might be having a shit day but, my hair looks good I guess. I was thi

21 weeks without my son. It's not getting any easier. I think about my child every single day. The past few days, myself and Damian have been moving Jesse into Jay-Dees room. We've left some of Jay-Dees things in there. Jay-Dee brought a canvas, from a film he said changed his outlook on life,  called Everything Everywhere All At Once. If you haven't watched it, give it a watch because it kind of blows your mind. So we've kept his canvas up in his room and a few other little bits. Jesse has spent the last 2 nights in his own room so I've been cleaning my room,  now I've finally got a room to myself.  I've been gutting my kitchen, because Jesse's computer and desk was in there, so now my kitchen looks twice the size. It's kept me busy and it's occupied my mind. I cried a few times whilst Damian was cleaning and sorting Jay-Dees bedroom. Life was never meant to be like this. It's Sunday today, the hardest day of the week for me. I despise Sunda

I've done nothing but cry all day. My mind and body are tired. Not like a normal tired, my soul is tired of fighting. Losing my Dad was hard. Having cancer was hard. But to lose a child.. I can't even put into words how it feels. I am a broken woman.  How Damian has managed to sort all Jay-Dees belongings today, I will never know. That's strength. I feel so sad that his room has been gutted. Today is a bad day but I just refuse to give up. I'd love to be able kill myself and just be done with this life, because I've truly had all I can take, but to leave my 3 other children without a mother, is not an option unfortunately.  I'm going have an early night and hope for a better day tomorrow. 

Damian is here sorting Jay-Dees room out. Ive broke my heart. Hes made of strong stuff because I personally couldnt do it. If it was down to me, id never empty his room, but everything is going in the loft, apart from a few things im keeping in my room with me. I wrote before about Jesse still being in my room with me, so its time for him to move into his own room now. Life is so hard. I attended my bereavement course yesterday, talked about my dad and my son again. It does me the world of good being able to talk about them both and having people there who listen and share their stories of bereavement, gives me comfort. I know im not the only person dealing with grief. People seem to be able to handle thier grief better than I am, why do I struggle so much with death when im so comfortable with dying? Not taken Jesse school today, my medication makes it so hard to get up some mornings. I fucking hate my life. Ive been so suicidal the past week, im really struggling, but I see my psychi

To sit and have to ask yourself, what is my purpose, is really sad. Im struggling today. Mental health will be the death of me, I just know it. Im really struggling with wanting to stay alive, and the sad thing is, I have no choice but to stay here and try and live. My boys need me. I feel like grief is consuming me. I feel like I have the weight of the world weighing me down. Grief feels heavy today. Im living in limbo, part of me wants to die, and part of me fights to stay alive. Being alive is hard work! It hit me again earlier that ill never get to see my child again. Grief is sneaky, it just creeps up then, boom!! hits you all over again. Ive not been feeling life lately, im not finding any enjoyment in being alive. God im so depressed.

I was so suicidal last night. I was sat crying, wondering how I'm going to get through this. I sat with my head in my hands, crying, asking myself, how will I get through this. I had to sort of shake myself out of how I was feeling.  Told myself over and over that I'm going to be ok, but if I'm honest, I don't think I'll ever be ok again, and that scares me. I had to get Jesse off his computer to bath him, to try and snap myself out of how I was feeling. It worked, I bathed Jesse and we got in bed, then Jesse started crying, saying how much he misses Jay-Dee.  Oh life is so hard.  My son Jasper has messaged saying he wants to leave college early because he's ready cry. Why did you have to leave Jay-Dee 😭 We're all silently struggling.  I have this blog to get my emotions out, it does me good to type about how I'm feeling. Gets it out of my system. Jesse breaks up for half term this Thursday, I'm going have to try and do activities with him so this h