Cancer, Depression and Me.

I didn't end up going the gym yesterday, instead I made cheese and beans on toast, and enjoyed it in peace. Jesse was with Damian, it was so peaceful.  You can't beat cheesy beans on toast. Had a shit day today, I went the gym and walked my dog, then I spent a few hours just lying on the settee under my blanket.  Didn't feel like talking in the cafe this morning. I have days where I barely speak. I'm guessing that's normal in grief? I've never got anything say anymore, it's so sad. I could happily go mute, and not say another word. That's how sad I am inside, the only words I want to say are about my dead child. I've got nothing in my life except my children. THE only reason I wake up everyday, is for my children. Honestly, I would of killed myself by now if I didn't have them. If something doesn't give, I'm scared I'll end up dead. This isn't living, this is purely, surviving.  I'm in survival mode everyday, I get no enjoymen

It's been 18 weeks today since my son took his own life. I don't know how I'm getting through this, but I am. 18 weeks of heartache. Just taken my dog for a walk and to be honest, I'm having a shit day. Minds on overdrive. So fucking fed up of bad shit happening in my life. I hate Sundays! Jesse's going with Damian today, he goes every Sunday, so I'm contemplating going the gym for an hour. I want to go but I've got anxiety about going alone. I have to tell myself, many times, that nothing will happen to me, I will be ok.  Anxiety and depression have ruined my life and having grief ontop of it all.. I don't know how I'm making it through each day if I'm honest!. I can either sit on my arsenal feeling like shit, or I can go the gym. God I've got no motivation today. Anyway, I'll let you know if I go. I'm actually going to get my gym clothes on to see if that helps.

Im not who I was and I dont know who I am anymore.. I feel so very lost in life. I just stared at myself in the mirror and I was disgusted in what I saw. The weight gain from the medication and Menopause is unreal. I stared into my own eyes and saw nothing. I died inside the day my father died, and I went to a whole new level of death, when my son died. I didnt think anything else could be worse in my life, than my dads death, and then my son died. Then my son went and left me.... He knew I was struggling but he left me anyway. He left me behind. I was fighting my depression for my 4 boys and then one dies. I am a broken woman. Ive lost my identity, but how do I find myself again? Please, someone tell me how?? God, how am I making it through each day? I am stronger than I think, clearly. My strength comes from my children. A piece of my heart is in heaven with my dad and my son. People say, the grief stays the same forever, but you learn to grow around it. How do I grow, when im so ver

I was doing ok today until I looked in the food cupboard and spotted Jay-Dees little tub of seasoning he brought for his chicken and rice, and its made me feel sad. It's always going to happen isn't it? I'm always going to come across things that remind me of my son. Life is so cruel. It still doesn't seem real that my son is gone forever. Can't get my head around it, my heart yearns for my child. I had my 2nd session of the bereavement course I'm on yesterday. Once again I cried talking about my child. I know my grief will never end and I know I've got to learn to live with it, but it's hard. It's really hard, I miss my son more than anything in the world. Anyway, I'm just cooking a cottage pie so it's all ready for tea time. The weeks are passing me by, life is passing me by whilst I'm stuck in grief. My life stopped, but the world carried on spinning. I started to grieve the day my dad told me he had terminal cancer. That was 5 years a

How are we in October already? Not taken Jesse school this morning, I couldnt bring myself to get out of bed. I feel drained. Im sat thinking about, when I made the decision to take dads oxygen off him and then he died a few hours after. Dad wouldnt of wanted to lie in that bed dying any longer, I know this, yet im still questioning myself. The oxygen was just prolonging his inevetable death. God, im plaqued with grief, its consuming me today! Ive told myself 3 times, that this is just a bad day and tomorrow could be better. I plan on going the gym again tomorrow with my friends, it will do me good. But seriously, how are we in October? It will be Christmas soon and im dreading it. I dont want to celebrate Christmas anymore, but I know im going have to for Jesse-Johns sake. Hes only 8 so he doesnt understand how depressed I am over losing my child. He knows Jay-Dee has died but I dont think he really understands. Unless youve lost a child, you wont understand the pain I feel inside. It

Today is a hard day, my first born child, turns 22 in heaven. I am heartbroken beyond repair. My heart aches for my child. What id give to see his beautiful face just one more time. Had to force myself go the gym today, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. Do I feel better for going the gym? Absoloutely not, but I went anyway. Jasper has come home from college after an hour because hes too upset to be there. It is a shit day for us all! I woke up this morning, I sat on my bed and was in two minds whether take Jesse school or not, but I got up and took him. Wouldnt be fair for him to sit at home and watch us all be sad. Hes better off in school. Proud of myself really for getting up and taking him, and then going the gym. Ive been the shops for stuff for tea and ive decided cook a chilli, Jay-Dees favourite so only seemed right to cook it. I havent really got much to talk about today, I feel a bit numb. I dont feel myself today, just wish it was bedtime already. It

Sundays are a hard day for me, my son passed away on a Sunday and so did my father. Ive been the shops today to buy a cake and candles for my son in the stars. He should of been turning 22 tomorrow. I plan on going the gym in the morning, to try and ease the pain ill be feeling inside. His first birthday without him here is going to be hard, I already know this. He had so much more life ahead of him. Its just tragic that hes no longer here. I feel deflated today, im tired of life. Didnt go Church today, I slept till 11am. I must of needed the sleep. My son Jensen cooked me dinner today, the first time any of my kids have ever cooked for me, which was nice. We had bagels with bacon, eggs and cheese, but minus the bacon for me as im vegetarian. I have been for some years now. I just went off meat, the smell repulses me. Jesse is out with Damian, he goes every Sunday on different adventures and ive cooked a spag bol for tea. Going try get back to calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some