Cancer, Depression and Me.

Yesterday my brother came to stay for the night, hes always has so much to talk about, and I listen, I smile and I talk with him, but the whole time I sit there and I could cry. I put on this brave face with a fake smile, but im drowning in grief. I keep asking myself, what can I do to deal with the loss of my son, and theres nothing I can do except ride it out. Im grieving and I just need to grieve. How can I get better mentally? I mean, what am I meant to do? I dont know, do you? Ive been to the shops today and then taken my dog for a walk with Jesse. First time ive left the house all week. 2 more days and the kids start back school. Back to normality, well as normal as things can be.. I see my psychiatrist in 4 days, im going to ask her for more grief counselling as I think I need it. I had counselling with Dove Bereavement after the death of my father and they even extended the sessions because I needed it. It helped alot and I took away so much from the sessions, I just feel like

You know, its 14:51pm and I just said to myself, thank god ive made it through another day. I say it most nights when I get into bed. Will it be like this forever? I wake up in the morning, I struggle to get through the day and then I go back to bed. Why is life so hard? I was going say 'why am I so fucking depressed' but then I already know why.. Im plagued by death. Ive lost alot of people in 4 years and one of them being my son. God life is so hard!! Im so tired, mentally tired. Im drained, as a person. Theres nothing left inside of me. My sister ivited me to hers for Christmas dinner and I replied saying 'what if im not here by Christmas?'. Im literally taking my life day by day, step by step. As for Christmas, I dont even want to celebrate it. How can I after losing my child? I dont want to decorate the house or even buy presents. I just want to fucking die already! Ive got no choice but to show up everyday. Ive got no choice but to make it through each day. My boy

I took Jay-Dees pile of clean clothes to his room today and it broke me. I sat on his bed and cried. Why would he leave me behind?  After I'd had my daily cry, I decided to start getting my house in order, so I cleaned the living room. It's only one room but I had some energy from somewhere. I'm a cluttery person, I've realised, and I'm very laid back. I'm not one of these people that clean everyday, I'm too depressed for that shit. Jay-Dees room needs cleaning but I can't bring myself to move any of his things, it kills me being in his room even for a few minutes.  I'm ready now for the schools to open back up so I can get back to some sort of normality. Only another 5 days to go. I miss seeing my friends at school, we have a cafe at our school, so we all meet up in the morning for a coffee and a chat. It does me good. I bet there's loads of people like me who are severely depressed and feel isolated when you don't leave the house. That'

So my son Jensen has landed safe in Colombia. He'll be turning 21 on Friday but he wont be here to celebrate so we're all going out for a birthday meal when hes back home. My eldest 2 boys are Irish Twins, they were born 11 months apart, so every year for 30 days Jensen is the same age as Jay-Dee. Jay-Dee was born September 30th and the following August 30th, I had Jensen. It was like having twins when they were both babies. Next month my first born should of been celebrating his 22nd birthday but hes no longer here. I still plan on buying him a cake and cards. Cleaned my kitchen today, dont know where my energy came from to be honest. I keep thinking of starting to drive when Jesse goes back school but ive got anxiety about doing the lessons. Im going push myself to do it because I know in the long run it will be better if I drove. Having anxiety, depression and everything else ive been diagnosed with is hard work. one minute I can be ok and the next I can be suicidal. Im doin

Its hard to believe we're nearly at the end of August. Time seems to be passing me by. I cried today but thats nothing new, I cry everyday. Ive been to the cinema this evening with my son Jasper. It was nice to have some quality time with him as ive usually got Jesse with me. We watched Coraline in 3D. I love Tim Burton movies so I was excited to watch it in 3D. I felt sick on the way there, it was my anxiety but I pushed through and enjoyed my alone time with Jasper. I saw a TikTok that said 'staying alive incase something good happens' and thats what im doing. Staying alive because things have got to get better havent they? Ive been through so much in the past 4 years, from losing my 55 year old father to cancer, then 6 months after his death, I had cancer. Ive lost a few close family friends too and then to top it all off, my son dies. Its been alot to deal with but through it all, I fight to stay alive. When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up isnt it? Ive got to be

3 months today since my first born son passed away. I still relive the day that policeman told me my son was dead. The phone call I made to Damian with my hands trembling, having to tell him his son was dead. Why did it have to be my child that passed away. It kills me inside everyday. I long to see his face, I pray that he visits me in my dreams but as of yet he hasnt. My son Jensen had a visitation from Jay-Dee, he said in his dream he asked him why he did it and they both just cried. Sundays are so hard, my dad passed away on a Sunday and so did my son. I dont really have much to say today, im sad. Ive got up made breakfast for my 2 youngest sons Jasper and Jesse, ive done some washing and the whole time I feel dead inside. I get my strength from my children, they keep me going on my bad days. Thankful that I have my children because id be dead without them. Its only dinner time and I already want to climb back into my bed and sleep. Think im going find a movie on the firestick and

Got up this morning and got myself dressed ready to go my mums, then she cancelled on me saying shes tired. Could of really done with the company but oh well. Seen as I was already dressed, I took my dog for a walk and then it rained on me.. Im back home now and back in my pjs. Ive found a film on the firestick and thats me for the day. Its one of Jay-Dees best friends birthdays today and ive seen on facebook that theyre going Creamfields. It broke my heart because I know my son would of been going with them. My heart breaks everyday. Im heartbroken everyday I wake up and my child is no longer here. How am I feeling? Im so misserable, ive got no life inside me and im sad. Everyday I wake up, is a day closer to my death and that gives me something to look forward to. I dont want to live till an old age, I dont want be in a care home with someone wiping my bum. No thank you. I dont want to die today because id leave my other children behind, but also, I do want to die because I get to se