Cancer, Depression and Me.

Olanzopine = weight gain :( So, I have gained 2 stone since I have been on this medication. Not only am I depressed, but now all I keep thinking about is gaining weight. So basically, i'm sad and fat!! Great!! Just another thing added to the list of things wrong with me. You'd think with how often I say, "life is too short", i'd not be bothered about weight gain.. well I am bothered, very bothered. Best of it is, I have to take them just to feel some what normal and try to keep myhead above water. Does that mean I will be on Olanzopine and Venlafexine for the rest of my life? Bullshit this life is! So, I am still working at my youngest sons school, it is only an hour a day but it has made a massive improvement in my depression. I'm not spending my days in bed, thinking about it now, last year (2022) I spent the majority of it in bed, alone. I was so depressed last year, I almost killed myself.. Olazopine might be making me fat but by god did this medication ...

Well, life is going ok.  Its going ok, the days are the same, I feel like life is passing me by and I'm just drifting along. I'm still amazed I'm alive today, blessed, I guess. Blessed to see another day, I have to remind myself how lucky I am really. I wish my dad was still here with me. I don't feel lucky to be alive, if I'm honest. I wouldn't say I was thriving in life, but, it's certainly better than it was. Not a single day goes by where I don't feel sad about my dad's death. I will ALWAYS be sad. I will always be sad but I'm getting better at hiding my sadness. Its become a skill I'm mastering.  Anyway, time to do the school run. I must admit, when my youngest comes out of school, he warms my heart. I LOVE being a mum of 4 boys. I was meant to have 4 boys to look after me, God knew he needed my dad more than I did and he sent me 4 boys to care for me. I hope you're ok, yes you reading my blogs💕 xxx

I remember having depressive dark thoughts from my teenage years, I have been on anti-depressants from my teens, at least I think.. my memory is not what it use to be! For as long as I can remember I have been taking anti-depressants for some time. Thinking back, I have always been a morbid person, intrigued by death, always wondering what happens when we die. I now know that our soul will live on, be reborn so to speak. I have said it before and I will say it again, death does not scared me, it is the leaving my children behind that scares me. I have drank alcohol since my early teens, it is only now I am sober that I can see that alcohol made things 100 times worse. My dads death tippped my depression over the edge, then I had cancer and i fell into a dark hole, it is 2023 now, it has taken me since 2020 to get to today, a happier day. I am proof that with determination and medication and alot of counselling, I can finally say, I had a better day. I do think to myself sometimes, will...

I'm sad, like, extremely sad, but I am also feeling happier. I am sort of living with both emotions. Does that make sense to you? It will be 3 years in November, 3 whole years since my best friend in the whole world passed away at the young age of 55. Not a day goes by when I don't think about my dad and his cruel cancer. Esophageal Cancer!!! I fucking hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm screaming inside and it's staying inside, i'm not cutting my wrists anymore or thinking about killing myself, I just feel so sad inside. I've started to laugh again, then I feel sad, then I maybe laugh again, then the sadness comes back. That is how my days are going.. I think about my dad all day long, I dissociate an obscene amount of times through out the day, I do it that much it's horrible. I'm still not sure where i'm going in life but i'm just trying to stay alive. If all we did today was stay alive, then we are indeed winning. T...

I spent the best part of 2022 in my bedroom, I was so sad, just wanting to die, i'm just sat thinking about how far I have come with my mental health. Thought about my dad alot today, I think about him every single day but today I felt sad. He didn't want to die in hospital and this makes me sad, I did the best I could.. but could I of done more? I guess we will never know. I try my best not stay sad for too long and that works, I have to switch what i'm thinking about. If that makes sense. So, to sum up today, it's been ok with a double shot of sadness.

So, I started going Church, roughly 6 months ago, since then I have become very spiritual.  I believe we are just are just a sole living in a vessel. We never die or should I say our sole never dies. ..because I believe this, I know my Dad still lives on.. This gives me comfort.  I'm not scared of death, I never have been. I'm a morbid person, I've always thought about death and always been curious.  The only thing I am scared about is leaving my 4 children behind. That scares the shit out of me! I was thinking about how far I've come over the past 2 years and I'm so proud of myself.  I wake up in the morning and I finally feel thankful, I can honestly say, if I hadn't been put on Olanzapine, I don't think I'd be here today. It has massively helped me, that along with finding God. My dad can see something up there that I couldn't see, I was guided and I still am being guided down the right path and I know it's my dad. You might think I've gon...

I'm starting to feel happier, the past few days have been alot better. I feel blessed to wake up another day. I've smiled and laughed. I'm still so terribly sad inside, but I'm also allowing myself to be happier. I have to believe that the end of each day, could indeed be my last, so I have to appreciate the day and everything that I have. Today I'm grateful I woke up, I'm grateful that my children are happy and healthy. I'm finally grateful that I am alive. I've started to say this as much as I can.. "I am beautiful, kind and caring" I'm focusing on the positive things in life, I can't turn back the clocks, I can't bring my dad back and he would not want me feeling the way I have since November 2020, I can't change what has already happened. I'm trying my damn best to stay alive.