When did my depression begin?

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I remember having depressive dark thoughts from my teenage years, I have been on anti-depressants from my teens, at least I think.. my memory is not what it use to be! For as long as I can remember I have been taking anti-depressants for some time. Thinking back, I have always been a morbid person, intrigued by death, always wondering what happens when we die. I now know that our soul will live on, be reborn so to speak. I have said it before and I will say it again, death does not scared me, it is the leaving my children behind that scares me. I have drank alcohol since my early teens, it is only now I am sober that I can see that alcohol made things 100 times worse. My dads death tippped my depression over the edge, then I had cancer and i fell into a dark hole, it is 2023 now, it has taken me since 2020 to get to today, a happier day. I am proof that with determination and medication and alot of counselling, I can finally say, I had a better day. I do think to myself sometimes, will I have to be medicated forever? That is scary to think, I need medication to keep me above water. 2022, I nearly died, if my psychiatrist had not of 'heard' me. I would of killed myself. If I had not of found faith, I would of killed myself. I am here because I honestly believe I was guided to where I am today, now you may laugh, or you may be thinking to yourself, she makes sense. Either way it is entirely upto you, if we were all the same, the world would be pretty boring, right?! I guess, if i have to be medicated to feel ok, then of course I will take it. I roll my eyes when I take my mediaction, I secretly hate it but I do it to survive. I guess what I am trying to say is that, I am 39 now, it has taken many of years of crying my heart out, cutting my own skin to watch it bleed, taking overdoses in the hope of death, to finally get to today. Today I am not sad. today I made it to night time (18:14pm), today I smiled and if I can get through all these years of heartache and sorrow, then so can you. I'm not saying tomorrow will be the same, tomorrow I could wake up sad for no reason at all, but I won't worry about tomorrow now, now, I feel happy. Someone is happy that you are alive and that someone is me xxx

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