Cancer, Depression and Me.

Thinking about my dad and son alot today, probably because im not keeping myself busy. Its shit how you have to try and stay busy, so you dont have time to think about things. Its still hard to believe that my son and dad are both in my house in wooden boxes. Its just not how life was meant to be, but here we are. I go bed, I sit staring at my dad on my draws, I get up and sit staring at my son on the fire. I do get comfort though knowing they're both safe with me. I couldnt imagine having to scatter them or give them to someone else. They're at home with me and they'll always be with me until I die. My house was like dad's home, he was here everyday. Its only right that his resting place is here. Jay-Dee, what can I say, this was his home. I never thought Jay-Dee would leave home, I thought hed be the one that would stay with his mum and now he will be. Its so sad. Miss them both so much, it hurts my heart. Im going to have days like this, I know that now. 

Didn't realise ive not blogged for a few days. Im still alive.  I absolutely love having Jesse with me all the time, but on a Sunday when he spends the day with Damian i absolutely love having a few hours of me time. Yesterday I went meet up with my sister and brother whilst Jesse was with Damian and I loved just been able to think about myself, even if it is only a few hours. I needed it. Today we're having a pj day. Jesse is on his vr, we've got songs playing on YouTube on the tv and im watching a movie on my tablet. Jasper's asleep on the settee because he went watch the new Spiderman at half 11 last night. Damian has booked Spiderman for Wednesday night for him and Jesse. He wanted me take him, but its on for 2 hours and 25 minutes and im not a lover of Marvel movies so I really didn't want to go. Life saver Damian is haha. Myself, Jasper and Jesse are booked into the opticians next Monday. My eye sight is shit, can't see stuff up close or far away so ill pr...

Been awake since half 4 this morning, dont know why I woke up that early. Ive showered today and washed my hair. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me it is. Needed to shave my legs, but that can be for another day. Feel a bit blah today, not ecstatic about being alive, but then again I never am. Ive stripped my bedding and its now drying outside on the washing line. Smells lovely. Can't wait get into fresh bedding, its the best feeling. Not really got alot to say today. I know ill be in bed early tonight, its 1pm and im already done with the day. Might take Jesse the cinema tomorrow, he wants to watch the new Spiderman thats come out. Yeh I think i will.

10 years ago, when I was 32 years of age, i came out as gay. I started to date a woman and I remember telling my boys, I remember Jay-Dee saying its socially acceptable these days and that comment stuck with me. Such a grown up thing to say. I was thinking about it earlier so thought id share that memory. I miss him so much.  Just finished watching Manifest. 4 seasons, feel like ive been watching it forever haha. Starting Crow Gril next its meant be really good. Its on Prime, its new. Going cook Jesse some eggs now because hes hungry again for the 100th time today and hes requested scrambled eggs.  7.43pm now, Jasper will be going soon, he stayed over last night. When he goes ill be getting in bed watch some tv.  Early start tomorrow as my brother comes mega early on a Friday to drop my crate of pop off that I have every week. Im still off the vape, can't believe i actually quit. Makes me think, what kind of life have I even got. I dont drink, I dont smoke, I dont vape, I...

Went my sisters yesterday with my mum and all the kids. They all played in the hot tub. My mum made a lovely salad for dinner. I stayed about 5 hours, which is alot longer than I usually stay out of the house, so im proud of myself for pushing myself to interact longer. After my mum left, my brother came. It was a lovely day catching up with the family.  This evening im going a friends to meet up with a few friends for a catch up. Can't be bothered really, my social battery is a bit low, but ill push myself to go. Ill have to wait for Jasper to come though so he can watch Jesse for me. I feel a bit deflated. Not sure why. I miss my dad and son so much. I hate that ive got to carry on living without them. Ill never get to see my dad grow old or my son become a man. He was just a baby. 21 and 55 are no age to die. It kills me inside. I just need to live long enough to see my boys grow up, then im done. Im 42 now, I dont see myself here next year, but saying that ive thought the same ...

I forgot to blog yesterday, Jesse spent the day out with Damian, Louise and the kids. He didn't get back home till 8ish at night. Im laid up to the eye balls, sore throat and my nose wont stop running. Got go the job centre today with Jasper. Not looking forward to it because its an half an hour appointment and I feel like shit, but he doesn't want to go on his own. Going my sisters tomorrow for a bbq, mums going too. Be nice have a catch up. Dont see my mum that often so it'll be nice. I honestly feel like shit, wish I could just spend the day in bed. Need go Asda too to get some food in for tea. God knows what im going do. Sick of thinking everyday what do for tea. Mental health is suffering a bit through the school holidays, it'll be because im not leaving the house as much as I was. Feel a bit deflated. Miss my dad and son. I was talking to them the other day hoping they could hear me. Told them how much I miss them and how life is so hard without them both here. Ev...

I was half asleep this morning in a dream like state and I remember thinking to myself, I need to ring my dad to see if hes ok because I know hes got cancer and ive not heard off him in a few days. Then it slowly came to me that he was already dead and my heart broke all over again. Was so weird. I was awake, but asleep if that makes sense. Ive woken up with a sore throat today. My plan is to take Jesse Forest Park with his scooter, but im really not feeling it. I dont know, ill see how i feel after dinner. Did I tell you Jesse got his first phone yesterday? Hes over the moon, took me ages set it up and add all the family's phone numbers etc. Ive put life360 on our phones so we both know where each other are all the time. Can't believe hes got a phone, it was bound to happen sooner or later, hes in year 6 in September. Last year of primary school. Crazy how fast time goes. Ive got no motivation to do anything, i need to get myself dressed and leave this house, even if its just ...