Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jesse's been poorly since Friday night, burning up and feeling sick and last night he was sick. Was meant to be back to school today, but instead hes in bed with a sick bowl.. another day stuck in the house. I did nip out for a couple of hours yesterday, I went meet 3 of my friends for a catch up. They're all in relationships now and one of them said its your turn now Ann-Louise. I said im not in the right head space to be with anyone. What if im single forever? I dont need to be with anyone do i? Feel pressured! How can I be with anyone with how bad my mental health is? I tried it with Natalie and look how that turned out. She was a piss head and i dont want to be with a drinker. I dont have to be with one if I dont want to. Someone will come when the time is right id imagine. I honestly feel like I dont fit into this world anymore. Is my only purpose of being alive to be a mum? Surely there's more to my life right? I remember asking my psychiatrist if my only purpose was ...

So Jesse's still poorly, Damian dropped me medicine off yesterday for him. Im meant be going to meet up with my friends later, but we'll see if I go. I feel so low, i feel like im behind in the world. My friends are all dating and ive got no interest in meeting anyone. What's wrong with me? I feel like i dont fit in anymore. Life is moving on and im stuck in grief. I keep thinking someone will come when the time is right, I just feel a bit left out. I feel like everyone is winning in life except me. How long will i be grieving for? Forever id imagine.. not a day goes by that im not sad over losing my father and son. Every single day I think of them and how my life has dramatically changed since they died. I feel empty inside. Dead. I dont enjoy being alive anymore. I use to be so outgoing and now im a shell of my old self. Back to school tomorrow and ill be meeting up with my friends in the cafe, ill wear my fake smile and act like im ok, when deep down inside im hurting ba...

Had Jesse burning up all night, hes not very well, but he wants to sleep Damians tonight so we'll see how he is later. His new passport is being delivered today, Damian did his renewal and paid for it. Hes so good to me and the boys. Im blessed to have an ex who is as good as he is. So looks like im not leaving the house any time soon. Just had an Iceland shop delivered because I can't leave the house. Ive just been sat thinking, I can't do this anymore. I can't do this life. I just want to end it all. I know I can't and it kills me. Jesse's poorly, how could I even think about suicide? Im just fed up of being depressed. Im not living, im just surviving. Trying my best to get through each day. Ive just seen photos of Jay-Dees best mate Brad on Facebook all dressed up going to the races and my heart sank, because Jay-Dee would of probably gone with him all dressed up. Im just gutted. I look at photos everyday of my dad and son and I still can't believe they...

Ive realised that ive isolated myself the past few weeks, dont know if its because its the school holidays or not, but ive not been out of the house much. Ive not been to see my friends, I just haven't had the energy, mentally speaking. Feel really low, im so depressed. I had an email today off Tui saying 82 days until my holiday. I should be excited, but im not. Im filled with anxiety about going on my own with Jasper and Jesse. Ive brought nothing to take yet as I want to lose some weight. I just wish I was excited. Jesse went out with Damian at half 12 to go bowling and hes still not home. Its 6:12pm now. Ive cleaned up today, hoovered around and ive even showered and washed my hair! Spent my free time stuck in the house cleaning up. Its been a nice relaxing day if im honest, apart from the cleaning and the chore of washing my hair. Can't seem to find happiness and im trying my best with life, but im just not happy being alive. Grief is eating me alive. All I ever think abou...

I asked myself today, what would my dad and son be saying to me? Im sure they'd be telling me to live my life and be happy, but I dont know how to be happy without them. I dont know this new life im learning to live. Ive lost myself along the way. Losing my father and son has destroyed me. I dont recognise myself when i look in the mirror. Im so depressed. My mate has invited me hers for a catch up, and I just can't be bothered to go. Forced myself to shower today, go me! Something people do everyday and i have to force myself to shower. Depression and grief are killing me. Ive spent the day doing nothing, just watching the time pass me by. Done some washing, showered, made Jesse food all day, but thats it. Ive prayed for strength to get me through the day and its now 4:05pm. Yesterday I had washing pegged out, today I have the fire on. Day 2 of calorie counting along with fasting and its going ok. Honestly, after seeing photos of myself at my sisters bbq, it gave me a wake up ...

Playing Nerf guns with Jesse, hes just said "mum, my life flashed before my eyes" and in my head i said, "Jay-Dees will of done before he died". Why is my brain like this? Trying to have fun with Jesse and my own brain sabotage me. Its really me versus me. Woke up about 10am, decided to immediately get dressed instead of sitting in my pjs all day. Took Jesse to get his hair cut and went Asda for ingredients to make Jay-Dees favourite tea, chilli. Ive been on a calorie deficit today, eating under 1400 calories, going try do it everyday and lose some weight before my holiday. Got one more payment and ive paid it all off. Booked it last year so I could pay it off monthly. Absolutely shitting myself about taking the boys abroad on my own, ive always gone with another adult. Im sure ill be ok. Pray for me. Cooked tea, done the dishes, taken my evening meds and thats my day. Had a really good time yesterday at my sisters, but I came home after a few hours. My brother and ...

Sat with my eyes closed telling myself in my head that im not ok. I can't remember the last time I was ok. Myself and Jesse are dressed and ready to go my sisters for a bbq, but I wish I was lying in bed. Im so tired of being alive. Ill put a smile on my face and act like im ok, but im dead inside. Tired of pretending to be ok. Its draining me. Im so tired, mentally and physically. I just want to get into bed and stay there forever, but I can't.. anyway, off to the bbq I go.