Cancer, Depression and Me.

Last day of school for 2 weeks, yay. Can't wait have a lie in tomorrow. All down my right side in my stomach is killing me, swear ive got a kidney infection. Going keep my eye on myself and go the doctors if it gets any worse. My heart aches today, just like any other day, but some days are heavy. Grief is heavy. Miss my son and my dad more than anything in the world. Thankful for my living children, but im grieving the loss of my father and son. Every day I live, is a day closer to my death. That's how I see it. I dont want to die because my boys need their mum, but death doesnt scare me. I was thinking about dying and you never know when you'll live your last day. We take living for granted. You never know when your death day will be. I welcome death, but not yet. I need to see my boys grow up. If it wasn't for my boys getting me through each day, id be dead already. Wonder how I will die? Do you ever think about your death or am I just morbid? Will depression kill me...

Been up through the night with pains down my right side of my chest. Still got them now and struggling to take a breath on and off. My sister said it could be trapped wind. Let's hope thats all it is because I can't be ill, ive got children and pets to look after. Makes me realise why ive got to stay alive. No one could look after my kids the way I do and feed my pets. Jensen took me school this morning then we nipped Asda for some bits. Im booked on to a craft afternoon with Jesse at school at half 2. I didn't blog yesterday, I just couldnt be bothered. I had nothing to say so I just kept quiet. I dont feel too bad today mentally speaking. We're getting Domino's pizza for tea tonight as a treat. Still find it hard to believe some days that my father and son are gone forever. Grief just hits you out of the blue. They wouldnt want me to be sad, so im trying my best to live for them. Everyday is a battle, but today im doing ok..

Spent the morning with my sister, we met up Hanley and went for a hot chocolate. It was nice. Damian asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day and I said photo frames. So he ordered me 10 vintage, different shapes and sizes photo frames that came a few days ago, anyway, the photos I ordered arrived today, so ive spent the afternoon putting my photos into the frames and putting them up on the wall behind my tv. Love having photos all around me of my boys. Its not been a bad day. Mentally im doing ok, made me sad putting photos up of Jay-Dee and my dad, but I find comfort seeing their faces around me. My house is filled with photos and canvases and I love it. I love seeing memories all around me, it keeps me going. Ive watched Married At First Sight UK and Australia for years and today a lady called Mel that is an expert on the show has died age 54. Its really upset me. I know what her family are going through and its horrible. Feel so sad for her family. You never know when your time ...

My dad always use to say he wouldnt make it to 50 and then he died when he was 55. Cancer is cruel! I was talking to my friends yesterday when we went for a meal, which by the way was lovely and I had a really good time, but I was saying about how much I miss my dad and son and how im sober after everything thats happened. My friend Rachael said how strong I was and she wouldnt of made it through what ive been through and it made me think, I must be stronger than I think I am. To lose my father and son and to have cancer in-between. How im still standing I dont know. I always say I get my strength from my boys and I stand by that. I wouldnt be here now if it wasn't for them. Jensen has just asked me if I wanted nip Home Bargains with him for snacks (diets going shit haha), but i love how my kids want to do things with me. They keep me alive. When I was in the car I found myself drifting off thinking about Jay-Dee and how much my heart aches without him here. I'd give my life to...

Last night I dreamt that I was dying of cancer. It was a horrible dream to have after having cancer already. I remember I had hours left to live. I pray I never have cancer again. Myself and Jesse are up and dressed. Jesse's going out with Damian at half 12 and then my friend is picking me up, then we're collecting 2 more friends to go out for dinner. Its been years since ive been The Dog And Partridge so im looking forward to it. Already decided im having a mixed grill haha. I dont feel too bad today, really can't be bothered to go out, but I know it will do me good. Wish I could just spend my days in bed, thats how depressed I am. Have to force myself to participate in life. Feel guilty for going out when my dad and son are both no longer here, but I know they'd be telling me to go and enjoy myself. Its hard living a life after losing people you love. I am trying though. After we've had tea tonight, myself and Jasper are going to start fasting and having one meal ...

Got up, got dressed and went the shop with Jesse. He went on his bike. Im showered and washed my hair. Can't remember the last time I showered and washed my hair. Im not lazy, its depression. Some days it takes everything in me just to get through the day without killing myself. So to shower and wash my hair is kind of a big deal for me. Jesse keeps playing Jay-Dees song, The Smiths This Charming Man, my heart sinks every time I hear it, but it also makes me smile that I get to listen to his favourite song and think about him. I miss him and my dad so much. Ive come to terms with the fact that im never going to heal from the trauma ive been through. I guess ill have to live like this until my day of death. Im always going to be a sad person, nothing will ever change that. Ive just got to keep living regardless. Its so hard getting up everyday and to fight the urge to kill myself. Everyday is a battle. Suicidal ideation is real and i have to live with it. Im going out tomorrow with ...

I feel a bit better today, Jesse's gone school. That's 2 weeks in a row with no days off. Went Asda this morning, brought quite a bit of stuff, tried getting a taxi home and they wanted nearly £14 to take me a few streets away because its Eid. So I decided to walk, had to keep stopping and swapping hands with my bags because they were heavy. The new Peaky Blinders film is out today on Netflix, ill be watching it later with Jasper, can't wait. My different sized photo frames have arrived today that Damian brought me for Mother's Day. Ive just ordered my photos for them all and I plan on filling the wall behind my tv with photos of my family. You appreciate photos when you have people you love in heaven. Ive always taken photos of my family and im so glad I have. One wall up my stairs is filled with canvases of my boys. I love it. Damian is buying me some things tomorrow so I can stick them all to the wall. Love been surrounded by photos of my kids. Ive got big canvases o...