Cancer, Depression and Me.

Got up, got dressed and went the shop with Jesse. He went on his bike. Im showered and washed my hair. Can't remember the last time I showered and washed my hair. Im not lazy, its depression. Some days it takes everything in me just to get through the day without killing myself. So to shower and wash my hair is kind of a big deal for me. Jesse keeps playing Jay-Dees song, The Smiths This Charming Man, my heart sinks every time I hear it, but it also makes me smile that I get to listen to his favourite song and think about him. I miss him and my dad so much. Ive come to terms with the fact that im never going to heal from the trauma ive been through. I guess ill have to live like this until my day of death. Im always going to be a sad person, nothing will ever change that. Ive just got to keep living regardless. Its so hard getting up everyday and to fight the urge to kill myself. Everyday is a battle. Suicidal ideation is real and i have to live with it. Im going out tomorrow with ...

I feel a bit better today, Jesse's gone school. That's 2 weeks in a row with no days off. Went Asda this morning, brought quite a bit of stuff, tried getting a taxi home and they wanted nearly £14 to take me a few streets away because its Eid. So I decided to walk, had to keep stopping and swapping hands with my bags because they were heavy. The new Peaky Blinders film is out today on Netflix, ill be watching it later with Jasper, can't wait. My different sized photo frames have arrived today that Damian brought me for Mother's Day. Ive just ordered my photos for them all and I plan on filling the wall behind my tv with photos of my family. You appreciate photos when you have people you love in heaven. Ive always taken photos of my family and im so glad I have. One wall up my stairs is filled with canvases of my boys. I love it. Damian is buying me some things tomorrow so I can stick them all to the wall. Love been surrounded by photos of my kids. Ive got big canvases o...

Didn't sleep well last night, so ive been lying on the settee in and out of sleep and every time ive fallen asleep, ive been crying in my sleep. If im not crying when im awake, im crying in my sleep. Im so heartbroken. Jesse's in school. Contemplated not taking him when I first woke up, but dont want him having anymore time off, so I got up and took him. Hes nearly done 2 weeks without a day off. Im doing good. Had his letter for his Stanley Head trip he'll be going on in November when hes in year 6. Crazy to think hes going into his last year in September. Hes growing up so fast. Got to pay monthly for his trip and then ive got a list as long as my arm of things ive got to buy for him to take. Im broke all the time, but my boy will be going. Paid a 30 pound deposit this morning to secure his place, then ive got pay the rest off monthly. I'll do it. Don't know how, but I will. Didn't stay at the cafe this morning, I just didn't feel like it. Think its becaus...

Im sat crying, its 10:24am and im already crying thinking about my son. Last night I dreamt about ringing my dad and then it hit me that he was already dead. Such a strange dream, felt so real. I can't do this anymore, im so close to committing suicide. Im so fed up of being upset. Im not coping with losing my dad and son. Im living a nightmare that never ends. I say the same thing everyday, every single fucking day. Im struggling with living. I dont want this life ive been given. I just want to put myself out of the misery im living. You wouldnt let an animal suffer the way I am. Why can't I deal with death? What is wrong with me? Ive been the cafe see my friends, wasn't going stay, but I made myself socialise. Went Asda did some shopping and my friend dropped me off at home and then boom, the tears are falling. Im sat looking at my sons urn on the fire. My son and my dad are both in wooden boxes. Its killing me. Im so broken, I dont think i can be fixed. No amount of medi...

Got up again and took Jesse to school. Nipped in the cafe for 10 minutes, but didn't feel like staying. My dad and my son are on my mind today. Just like any other day, but today it feels heavy. My dad was my best friend. I miss him so much, it hurts my heart. 55 was no age to die. My son, my first born baby, gone at the age of 21. I feel so low in life without them. Its hard getting through each day. I long to see them again. I see photos of them everyday and it just makes me sad. I know they wouldnt want me living like this, but I just dont know how to live without them. I feel lost in life, I dont fit in anymore. I dont know who I am anymore. My faith in God is strong, but I have to ask, why my dad and son? Felt like having alcohol yesterday, I was craving it. Over 4 years sober and I still have days where I crave alcohol. I didn't give in, dont worry. Im still sober. Jensen treated us all to a take away last night, he said because he was working on Mother's Day, bless h...

So glad Mother's Day is over and done with. Yesterday was a hard day for me. Felt like the day went on forever. Tried to quit my vape, but ended up walking the shop last night for a vape. I can't do it. I tried. Ill try again when my vape runs out. Didn't go for a run this morning, im too fat to run, I need to lose some weight first! Been Asda to do some shopping, got healthy foods like rice, pasta, chicken and ground minced beef. Stuff to make healthy meals with. Cutting my chocolate out, well im going try anyway haha. Going see my friends tonight, going force myself to go because I know it will do me good. Taken Jasper the doctors this morning, they've increased his antidepressants, so we'll have see if they improve his mental health. His dad said he needs a better sleeping pattern, but I go bed at 9pm, I sleep through (thanks to Olanzopine), but im still depressed.. sleep doesnt fix depression. The seasons are changing and I feel stuck grieving. Im not appreciati...

Sat here feeling depressed, contemplating getting back into bed, but also willing myself on to get a shower. My heart hurts today. Mothers day and one of my children are in heaven. My heart aches. Im sat here telling myself to get up and get showered. Ive lost the will to live. Im so sad inside. Got no plans for today, just going to try and get through the day the best way I can. I will get a shower at some point. I could just get into bed and just lie there and watch the time pass me by. I knew today was going to be shit, I knew it would knock me back mentally. Was awake at 8am! So much for a lie in this weekend. Don't know why ive been waking up early. I plan on Jesse doing another full week next week at school. Got no vape. Fuck my life. Not really got much to say today if im honest, i feel depressed. You'd think id be use to this depression by now, but everyday gives me something new to feel shitty about. Ive had cards, chocolates, a new signet rings and all I want is my so...