Cancer, Depression and Me.

Feel a bit better today. Been the cafe see my friends and actually laughed and engaged in conversation. Yay! Going see a few of my friends tonight for a catch up. Thank god for days like today. Don't get me wrong, im still depressed and really can't be bothered to go see my friends later, but I have to push myself to do things on my "better days". Im just doing a wash, ive been Asda for things for tea and stuff to make a steak and potato pie tomorrow. Tonight we're having pasta, tuna and mayo. Was meant be having sweetcorn, but I forgot that. Thought I had some in, but oh well. Jesses not had a day off this week upto now, so im doing good. Told myself he was doing a full week. His attendance is poor so im really trying. Absolutely hate getting up in the morning. 2 more weeks at school, then hes off for 2 weeks for the Easter holidays. Can't wait! I just love being asleep. My escape from the world. I thank god that im feeling better today. These are the days th...

Its only 10:10am and ive already thought about dying. Why am I like this? Wtf is wrong with me? Also, 10:10 is an angel number. Why am I so depressed? Oh I know why, because my dad and son are both dead! Im living a nightmare. Went the cafe this morning to see my friends, but had very little to say. Don't know why I bother going. I dont contribute anything, im just there, wearing a fake smile on my face. If only they knew how much I wish I was dead. Also, why do you have to be over 50 to take out a funeral plan? What about people like me that won't make it to 50?? I'd like to arrange my own funeral, so my kids dont have to. I'd happily pay monthly for my own funeral. Seriously think the age should be lowered. I bet im not the only person that thinks like I do. Living is hard work. Had anxiety this morning walking to Asda, needed to go the chemist to collect my medication, but my body wouldnt alow it. I got my bits from Asda and taxi'd home. Its in walking distance, ...

Ive told Natalie over and over that this thing with us, what ever it is you can call it, isn't going anywhere. Im sick of saying it to her. She just doesnt give up! Sick of it. She's making my mental health worse!! Having a shit day and shes pissing me off with her messages. She bombards me with messages and its draining me. I just want to be on my own. A relationship shouldn't be this much hard work. Sick of telling her to walk away. My heads fucked, she doesnt get it. Sick of telling her im not in a good place mentally. She's driving me insane. If she carries on im just going fucking block her on everything and move on. Weve been talking for 10 weeks, we've seen each other 3 times, she said she loves me.. fuck off!! It's infatuation not love. I just want to be on my own, what doesnt she get?? She doesnt understand how hard my days are and shes not making them any easier, shes adding to my depression. God im so fed up! Im having a shit day! I could scream!! I j...

Not felt too bad the past couple of days, Jesse slept Damians last night. I had myself an early night and a lie in this morning. Was just what I needed, a bit of me time. Jensen treated me to a Domino's pizza last night and ive just had some for breakfast haha. I forgot tell you that my necklace arrived last week. Ill post a photo at the end. Its beautiful. Was going meet up with my friends today, but i just fancy a lazy pj day. I know i should push myself more to meet up, but I just can't be bothered. I need to get a shower and wash my hair. Only wash it once a week because I hate it. When I went my mums she wanted cut it all off, I should of let her. Im in a love hate relationship with my hair. Natalie went dead weird the other night, sending me weird messages at 4am, now shes saying it wasn't her. I know I need to get rid. Mental health is a bit better, dont feel like killing myself so thats good. Damian is taking Jasper Pets At Home today to buy some Guinea Pigs for his...

Jasper broke his heart last night and i mean really broke his heart. Losing Jay-Dee has destroyed my baby, its destroyed us all. Jasper said he feels like a failure, not going college or having a job. I said dont you dare worry about stuff like that. I said youre 17, there's plenty of time in your life to work or study, let's just get you better first. I gave him the biggest hug and I told him how much I love him. Jesse knew how upset Jasper was and he said 'I dont want another dead brother', my heart broke all over again. I told Jasper i know exactly how it feels and its good to cry and let it all out. Im so heartbroken for my boys because they're really struggling. Watching one of my children break their heart like Jasper did last night, broke me. I said please dont do anything to harm yourself because I couldnt bare to lose another child. Im heartbroken for my boys. We're all fighting battles we dont talk about and its torture. Seeing my boy heartbroken last ...

Some times I forget that im going through the Menopause, ive been going through it nearly 5 years now, since I had surgery to remove my cancer.  The took all my womb, ovaries, tubes, the lot, plus 19 pelvic lymph nodes. Its probably another reason why i am the way I am, mentally speaking. Ive had a shit time the last few years. Well, 5 and a half years, since my dad died. Everything went downhill the day he passed away. Especially my mental health. Ive been through so much, yet im still here fighting for my life. A life I dont want. I feel a bit better today. I brought my mum a pop up Mother's Day card, so ive been the post office to get a stamp and send it. I thought Mother's Day was this Sunday, but I was told its a week on Sunday haha. Oh well at least mum will get it on time. Ive put pork steaks in the slow cooker to have for tea with chips gravy and veg. Can't wait. Im so tired today, tried to lie on the settee and have an hour, but couldnt switch off so im drinking an...

My dad and son are on my mind today, just like any other day, but it feels heavy today. Grief is killing me. I know it will be like this forever until I see them both again, but my heart hurts. I think to myself, this can't be real, but it is and ive got to live with this grief. I try to feel positive, but some days are harder than others. I was speaking to my sister earlier and she was saying that shes having a few bad days mentally, I said welcome to my world. I said we've been through so much over the past few years, people dont understand the impact its had on our mental health. Jay-Dee killed himself on my sisters birthday and his nans birthday (Damians mum). June 2nd. I was saying to my friend's this morning that it'll be 2 years in June and I dont understand how im still here. My friends partner died a year ago it will be in a few weeks. We were talking about how fast time has gone. We're all going through stuff we dont talk about enough. Im open to everyone ...