Cancer, Depression and Me.

My dad and Jay-Dee are heavy on my heart today. Why is life so god damn cruel. I miss them both so much it really hurts. How will it be 2 years in June for Jay-Dee and 6 years November for my dad? Ive been mentally unwell for such a long time. My mental health goes way back to my teenage years, but when my dad died, something in me died that day too. Been struggling since. God I miss them. Why my son? My first born beautiful baby. 21 is no age to die. My dad was 55. Its just devastating. Going go see my mate later when shes finished work because I need to snap out of this dark mood im in. Jensen told me earlier before he went work, that he'll be getting an apartment in Manchester by the end of this year with his gf who currently lives in the USA. Feel a bit gutted that he'll be moving to Manchester. Ill hardly see him. Made me feel a bit low. Only want the best for him, but god I will miss him. Im writing today off as a shit day!

Once again I chose sleep over the school run. Ffs. Definitely going get a fine. Its just some days I wake up so drained. I got up and brushed my teeth and I saw how cosy Jesse was, so I climbed back into bed and cuddled up with him. Yes he sleeps with me. All my boys slept with me. Im making the most of it before he grows up and spends all his time locked away gaming in his bedroom. They're not little for long. Anyway, im still chatting to Natalie. Just need get over my anxiety so I can actually meet up with her. She's older than me. Think shes 46. My heads a complete mess. I enjoy chatting to her, but im also happy on my own. Well, im not happy, but you know what I mean. Im content with it just being me and the boys. Im finding it hard to let someone in. It'll happen one day. Brought a toastie machine yesterday. My brother and sister are always on about how good they are, so thought id buy one. Long story short, Jensen has taken 4 cheese and bean toasties work haha. Had to...

Its been a long day and now its nearly bed time. Thank god. Nipped see my friend earlier for a couple of hours. We always have a laugh when we're together. It does me good. Pushing myself to do more. Yes im still messaging Natalie. That's going good. Im hoping to overcome my anxiety so I can meet up with her. Ive asked God for so long to send me someone to love. Could it be Natalie? I guess we'll never know if i dont meet up with her haha. Can you believe its nearly February? Managed to dissociate the majority of January. Jasper's going soon and then ill be getting in bed. Just absolutely love being asleep. I snore apparently. The boys say they can hear me from downstairs. How bad is that haha. My dad was a snorer. He was so loud. God I miss him so much. Just miss them both. How will it be 2 years in June for my son? How the fuck have I made it this far? Crazy! 6 years November for my dad. April 21st ill be 5 years cancer free. Which means I should be discharged from th...

Still messaging Natalie. Told her I have EUPD and im finding it hard to move on in life. Stuck in grief arent I, but she said we'll go at my pace. She's persistent ill give her that haha. We'll just see where it goes. If nothing happens, at least I made a new friend.. today consists of washing. Just hand washed 2 of Jensens jumpers. They're wool so im not risking shrinking them. I made that mistake a few months back with one of his expensive jumpers. I put it in the washer on a normal wash and it came out 10 sizes too small oops haha. Won't be doing that again. Jesse is sleeping Damians tonight, so myself, Jasper and Jensen are getting a Domino's pizza. Ill never be slim, but due know what? I could be dead tomorrow. You never know when your time could be up. Trying my best to live this life. Jesses in the bath making some 'experiments' as he calls it with all my shower gels. It'll keep him good half an hour. Went Rachaels last night to see her and Be...

Didn't go on my date last night. I couldnt go through with it. What's wrong with me?? Im scared to move on in life. I didn't message her all yesterday and shes messaged this morning. Ive told her I have EUPD (Emotionally unstable personality disorder). Wonder if thats why my mood is always up and down. One minute I want to meet her and the next I dont. What am I scared of? I just keep thinking im broken. Keep thinking im not good enough for anyone. God I could scream! I hate being alive. I hate participating in life. Im only here for my children. Why am I finding it so hard to let someone in? Anyway, thank god its Friday. Jesses sleeping Damians Saturday night so myself and Jasper are going to bath the dog and the kitten. We're going have a take away and ill find a movie. Looking forward to it. I absolutely love doing things with my boys. They really are my reason to live. Mental health is a bit shit, but thats nothing new. Im cooking minted lamb burgers with bacon on f...

Just sat thinking about the morning of my sons death. The police telling me he was dead. I remember saying "it cant be my son", as tears rolled from my eyes. My hands trembling as I searched for Damians number in my phone. I felt like someone had just punched me in my stomach. It haunts me. This is grief. This is my life. Ive been ok today and then out of nowhere, grief just smacks you in the face. Why did my son kill himself? A question i ask regularly. Ill never know what my son was thinking that morning, and that kills me inside. Why didn't he just ring me? God it kills me inside everyday. If its not Jay-Dees death I relive, I'll be reliving my dad's death. Living is torture. Death would be peaceful. Ill never have a quiet mind. There's always something going on in my head. Ive not got a quiet brain, there's always something going on. Sometimes I play song lyrics over and over in my head. Drives me insane. Date day tomorrow, its come round so fast. Yes,...

Jesse hasn't gone school, he woke me up about 6am running to the toilet to be sick. He hasn't actually been sick he just keeps going sick. Hes spent the day just lying on the settee and hes been in bed for the past hour and its only 6pm, so I know something is wrong with him. If hes not sick tonight he will have to go school tomorrow. Im meeting that girl Thursday at China Gardens. Bit nervous, but it can't hurt to go on a date. Anyway, ive felt like shit all day today. Got no energy. I just want to sleep my life away. Can't wait go bed. Life seriously needs to improve. Really need to lose weight, but I feel like im always hungry! Fucking hate having to be on medication. Fucking hate my life!! Fed up of having depression. Ive just got to remind myself of the better days. Its hard! Wonder when ill die, and i wonder how ill die. You ever think about it, or is it just me? Weird to think one day will be your last day, but you just dont know which day. Crazy isn't it. Gu...