Cancer, Depression and Me.

Another day of hanging on by a thread. No, to be fair it hasn't been to bad. Ive been to my sisters and myself, Sarah, Jesse and Athena have calved pumpkins. Athena painted my toe nails, shes only 5 so you can imagine how they must look, and we watched a movie. Then I get home and Jasper is breaking his heart because of Jay-Dee. Then it hit me all over again that my son is dead. My heart sank for Jasper because I know how it feels. I know the pain they're feeling inside. I wish I could make it all better for them, but im dead inside. I died the day my father passed away,  then I died all over again when my son died. Rock bottom has a basement. I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel, I dont see a future with me in it. Sad isn't it? But true. I told Jasper to stay strong. Good advice from someone who's falling apart. The only reason I am so strong is because of my children. They give me the strength to live everyday. Jasper is ok now, by the way. Makes me sad inside ...

People keep telling me what an inspiration i am after doing my testimony yesterday. The reason I did my testimony is in the hope that it will help someone else. I'm just a normal girl that's been through 3 traumatic events and im currently fighting for my life everyday. I dont feel like an inspiration, I feel broken and damaged. Yesterday at church it was a day for people who are battling addiction or those like myself that are in recovery. It was called Broken To Blessed and if I can remain sober after everything ive been through, then so can someone else that wants to get sober or someone who is in recovery like me. I hoped my testimony would help someone else on their journey of sobriety. Its still hard you know, some days i crave alcohol and that's when I say a prayer for strength. I still can't believe i stood on a stage yesterday in front of 50 odd people and read out my testimony. Where did my strength come from? Prayer that's where. I'll be honest, as I ...

I was up this morning ready for an early start at church. 9am - 3.30pm it was and I stayed the whole day. Its been brilliant, I read my testimony out to over 50 people. Can you believe that, for someone that's riddled with anxiety, I stood on that stage with a microphone and I read my testimony out. There were 53 people there and not sure how, but I got the strength from somewhere to get on that stage and read. Thank you Jesus. I prayed for strength and strength was what I got. The worship songs were amazing. They laid on a little spread for lunch and home made soup. It was lovely. Ive really had the best day and I feel so uplifted, I feel really good for a change. I know my dad and son would of been with  me today and they would of heard my testimony. I hope they're proud of me. Jensen just came home from work and the first thing he's said was 'did you read your testimony?'. I just know my kids are proud of me. I'm living for them. Ive not got much recollection...

Went to the firework display last night with Jasper and Jesse and it was brilliant. Had a really good time with my youngest 2 boys. Ive got church tomorrow 9am - 3.30pm and ill be reading my testimony to everyone there. I'm so nervous. Ive just added some more to it, more about how i became sober. January 1st 2022 is my sober date. Can't believe im nearly 4 years alcohol free. God is good. Watching the fireworks last night made me think of my dad and Jay-Dee, they would of had the best view from the sky. I was thinking in bed last night that its nearly 5 years since my dad passed away and I can't believe ive made it this far in life. After everything that's happened im still alive. I honestly believe that Olanzopine saved my life.  Today consists of doing some washing, showering to get my tan off and scrub my hair, then ive got to dry and straighten it. I hate doing my hair but im not going church tomorrow looking a mess. Tomorrow's even is called Broken To Blessed....

I have flash backs of my dad dying in his hospital bed. I see him lying there dying. When I dream of my dad, he's always got cancer in my dreams. Hes always dying. I see my son lying in his coffin. Grief isn't just missing them, its reliving their deaths over and over again. Its horrible. Is this how life will be forever? I can't keep living like this, its killing me. I'm filled with grief and some days its suffocating.  I'm so desperate to see my father and son again. I was thinking earlier that my son is dead and its hard to believe. How can my child be gone forever? It's truly heartbreaking.  Jesse breaks up tomorrow for half term, we're going a fire work display at his school tomorrow night which ive brought a ticket for, Jasper is coming too. Let's hope it doesnt rain, it's should be a good night. My father and son have got the best view of the fireworks where they are. I remember dads last bonfire night here at my house, I had family and friend...

Just had my 5th session of trauma therapy, today we talked about dissociation, which is funny because I find that I dissociate through the whole session. Nothing goes in my head. I just smile and nod. Ive become good at that. People can be talking to me and i won't hear a word they say and I just smile at them like I know what they're on about. I'm tired. I could of easily fallen asleep in today's session. Half term next week so no session until the kids go back school. Went the cafe this morning, had a cup of tea. Tried to engage in conversation. Thing is, ive got nothing to say, to anyone. I could easily go mute. I'm so depressed, ive got no desire to live and it makes me sad. Ive been Asda and got the ingredients to make a spag bol for tea. Can I be bothered to cook? Absolutely not. Am I going to cook for my kids? Yes, yes I am. I'm just doing some washing and that's it for the day. I might have a nap, I feel so tired. I know its the depression and grief ...

Ive slept the day away today. Zero energy. Did the school run, nipped Asda, came home and slept on the settee. Didn't even want go the cafe this morning, I did go but didn't even have a drink. Just sat listening to the conversation and smiling to my friends. They wouldnt know I was dead inside. I can't wait go bed and see the back of today. What did you think of my testimony in yesterday's blog? Hope it was alright because that's what ill be reading to a room full of people. I'm so nervous, but im going to push myself and do it. My story could save someone's life. It needs to be told. Ive overcome so much and I never give myself any credit. I am proud of how far ive come, I just wish I was happy to be alive. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. God im so drained today. Mentally and physically drained. Ive got Jasper and Jesse sat with me, we've just watched The Polar Express. Jesse chose the film. I saw a post earlier saying its only 10 Fr...