Cancer, Depression and Me.

I ended up getting dressed and visiting my friend yesterday when Jesse went with Damian. I'm glad I did because it did me good to get out of the house. I see her through the week, then almost every Sunday. I regretted not going church yesterday, I missed it but I just wasn't in a good place mentally.  Feel so much better today, I've not done anything except washing, which is drying on the line because the sun is out. Makes you feel so much better when the sun is shining and you can peg washing out. You can tell I'm old. I've not long had a bath and washed my hair. I could cry at how much hair I lose when I wash it. I'm losing stupid amounts of hair, it's unreal! Fucking Menopause!! Had a meeting earlier at Jesse's school because of his attendance. I told them that my son passed away and that some days I just don't leave the house due to my anxiety. They were understanding. I do need to try and get him in school everyday. Some days are hard though. I...

43 weeks today since my son tragically passed away and it's Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day without my son. I feel deflated today. Had to force myself to get out of bed. I've not gone Church, I'm just not feeling life today.  The boys dad has had me the most loveliest cup made with my kids names on. I'll post a photo at the end of my blog. He's got me the most beautiful card. He's such a good man and an amazing dad. He's got me through some dark days. I appreciate him so much. I'm tired today, I'm tired of life. I know it's a bad day and tomorrow will be better. My first Mother's Day was bound to be hard not having one of my children here. I've got my other boys here, but Jasper's asleep. Jesse's on his computer but is going out with Damian later, and Jensen is in bed with a sickness bug. Bless his heart he's been throwing up all night. Jesse had the bug last weekend, I'm just hoping I don't end up with it....

So I went to see my mum yesterday,  spent a few hours with her and we had dinner together. It was nice. Getting out of the house really does me good. I gave her some flowers I'd brought, along with a new vase and a card and she was so happy, which made me feel happiness. There's not a better feeling than making someone smile. I've had my brother here all day today so my mind has been occupied. He's gone home now and I've got in my pj's ready to go bed. Can't wait to have a lie in, in the morning.  I hate the weekends. I struggle mentally because I don't leave the house. I keep thinking about doing stuff with Jesse but then my anxiety kicks in. I can't wait till I'm driving because we can go anywhere at any time.  How am I feeling today? I'm ok. I'm just ok. Still not thriving, just surviving, but one day I'm going to write about how happy I am. I'm determined to get better. I can't wait to feel happiness, I'm desperate to ...

Had my 8th driving lesson yesterday and I can finally see progress. My clutch control is getting alot better. I'm becoming more confident behind the wheel.  My friend came to visit me last night, we had a good catch up and a few cups of tea. I never feel like seeing anyone, but then I'm happy when I do. I struggle with socialising because I don't really talk alot anymore. My friends do the majority of the talking and I put a fake smile on my face and join in with conversation as much as I can. I don't know why I don't talk much anymore, well I do, it's because the only thing I want to talk about is my son, so it's easier to just stay quiet.  I've not felt too bad the past couple of days, mentally speaking. It does me good seeing my friends. I see a group of friends every morning in the cafe. Like I say, I don't talk much, but I'm trying. I'm trying to socialise more because I know it does me good. I'm just tired all the time, probably why...

At half 12 last night Jesse decided to throw up all over my bed. He's not been able to go school today which means I've been stuck in all day, which is not good for the mental health.  I've been sat thinking about the morning my son died and the police showed up at my door to notify me. Having to tell Jay-Dees dad that his son had passed away.  Basically, I've been reliving that day my son tragically passed away. It's a nightmare I'm desperate to wake up from. I ask myself, am I asleep. Will I wake up from this nightmare?  I know it's because I've been stuck in the house.  Jesse was only sick the once so I think he might of eaten too much and that's why he's unwell. He's going back school tomorrow because I have a driving lesson booked. I'll be glad do the school run and go the cafe see my friends.  I hate being in the house and I think it's because I have my dad's and sons ashes here. I could never bring myself to scatter their a...

Well you can tell I've got EUPD because today I feel so much better. I've been to church this morning and let me tell you, what a difference it makes to my mental health. It works wonders. I absolutely love going to church. It's my favourite thing to do on a Sunday morning. I've just ordered 2 shirts for my baptism. 1 for when I get in the water and 1 to wear after. I'll post pics when they arrive. My friend has been for a couple of hours, so we've had a good chat and now I've just got into my pj's. Today has been a better day. If my mind is occupied I'm ok, it's when I'm sat on my own my mind goes on overdrive. I guess that's like anyone else really. I do have to remind myself that I'm not alone with the way I feel and I'm sure there's others grieving like I am. I hate how bipolar my mental health is. One minute I can be fine and the next I want to kill myself. It's hard work, but one thing I do now is I tell myself that ...

I always struggle with living at the weekend I've noticed. I'm having a bad day mentally. Saturday was the last time I saw my son. The last message I sent him saying I love you and stay safe and then he was gone forever. I'm trying my hardest to get better and then I have days like today. I'm always going to have these days aren't I?  I've just had to force myself to get a bath and wash my hair. The amount of hair I've just lost is unreal. I've got a face full of spots and I'm fat. I feel run down today. I've got nothing in me, I feel drained. Depression is hard and then add grief into the mix and it's torture.  I keep thinking about joining a dating website, my friend is on it and she's always chatting to someone but I don't think I've got it in me just yet to sit chatting to anyone. I'd like to be with someone I'm just not sure if I'm ready mentally. I think I need to get better first and love myself before I can lov...