Cancer, Depression and Me.

Had my 8th driving lesson yesterday and I can finally see progress. My clutch control is getting alot better. I'm becoming more confident behind the wheel.  My friend came to visit me last night, we had a good catch up and a few cups of tea. I never feel like seeing anyone, but then I'm happy when I do. I struggle with socialising because I don't really talk alot anymore. My friends do the majority of the talking and I put a fake smile on my face and join in with conversation as much as I can. I don't know why I don't talk much anymore, well I do, it's because the only thing I want to talk about is my son, so it's easier to just stay quiet.  I've not felt too bad the past couple of days, mentally speaking. It does me good seeing my friends. I see a group of friends every morning in the cafe. Like I say, I don't talk much, but I'm trying. I'm trying to socialise more because I know it does me good. I'm just tired all the time, probably why...

At half 12 last night Jesse decided to throw up all over my bed. He's not been able to go school today which means I've been stuck in all day, which is not good for the mental health.  I've been sat thinking about the morning my son died and the police showed up at my door to notify me. Having to tell Jay-Dees dad that his son had passed away.  Basically, I've been reliving that day my son tragically passed away. It's a nightmare I'm desperate to wake up from. I ask myself, am I asleep. Will I wake up from this nightmare?  I know it's because I've been stuck in the house.  Jesse was only sick the once so I think he might of eaten too much and that's why he's unwell. He's going back school tomorrow because I have a driving lesson booked. I'll be glad do the school run and go the cafe see my friends.  I hate being in the house and I think it's because I have my dad's and sons ashes here. I could never bring myself to scatter their a...

Well you can tell I've got EUPD because today I feel so much better. I've been to church this morning and let me tell you, what a difference it makes to my mental health. It works wonders. I absolutely love going to church. It's my favourite thing to do on a Sunday morning. I've just ordered 2 shirts for my baptism. 1 for when I get in the water and 1 to wear after. I'll post pics when they arrive. My friend has been for a couple of hours, so we've had a good chat and now I've just got into my pj's. Today has been a better day. If my mind is occupied I'm ok, it's when I'm sat on my own my mind goes on overdrive. I guess that's like anyone else really. I do have to remind myself that I'm not alone with the way I feel and I'm sure there's others grieving like I am. I hate how bipolar my mental health is. One minute I can be fine and the next I want to kill myself. It's hard work, but one thing I do now is I tell myself that ...

I always struggle with living at the weekend I've noticed. I'm having a bad day mentally. Saturday was the last time I saw my son. The last message I sent him saying I love you and stay safe and then he was gone forever. I'm trying my hardest to get better and then I have days like today. I'm always going to have these days aren't I?  I've just had to force myself to get a bath and wash my hair. The amount of hair I've just lost is unreal. I've got a face full of spots and I'm fat. I feel run down today. I've got nothing in me, I feel drained. Depression is hard and then add grief into the mix and it's torture.  I keep thinking about joining a dating website, my friend is on it and she's always chatting to someone but I don't think I've got it in me just yet to sit chatting to anyone. I'd like to be with someone I'm just not sure if I'm ready mentally. I think I need to get better first and love myself before I can lov...

Damian collected Jesse this morning to go stay in the caravan until tomorrow, so today I went to visit my mum but before I went, I walked Asda and brought her a bunch of flowers. Not for any reason, I just wanted to make her smile and that made me smile. I don't see my mum as much as I'd like to, so today was nice. She made dinner for us both. I had a really nice afternoon with her. She wants to move closer to because she doesn't live close to anyone, which is why I only see her a couple of times a month.  The taxi driver on the way to my mums has known me for years and I've not seen him for a while, he asked about my kids and then I had to tell him that my first born son had passed away. It was a hard conversation to have but I got through it. It will happen again at some point and ive just got to be strong. When I left mum's I then went my mates house for a catch up and a few cups of tea. Today has been a good day mentally, thank you Jesus. I've got Jasper wit...

Well the Slimfast diet didn't last, I'm shit at dieting. I just enjoy eating what can I say. Mentally I'm not doing to bad today. It's been a long day though. Had a driving lesson this morning and I can see my improvement every week. I nearly gave up a few weeks ago but glad I didn't. I had a bath after the school run and got into my pj's. I love being in my pj's, I love bed time. I've made sausage and cheese baguettes for tea and they were lovely. Jasper's coming to sleep tonight so that'll be nice. I love having my kids around me. All I think about all day long is my son in heaven, some days it just doesn't seem real what's happened. I was thinking last night, this April will be 4 years since I had cancer. If I didn't go for my smears I wouldn't be here now. So ladies make sure you go for your cervical screening! Doesn't feel like 4 years ago, it's crazy how fast the time goes. I have a massive scar going up my stomach w...

Last night I was lying in bed with Jesse and he was crying saying he misses his grandad and Jay-Dee. I put my arms around him to comfort him, even though I knew how he was feeling, I didn't let it show. I just told him I miss them too. Then he said 'I don't know what I'd do without you' and my heart sank. I reassured him that I wasn't going anywhere. It made me think, doesn't matter how bad my days are, my children really do need me so I have no choice but to carry on. For an 8 year old to say he wouldn't know what do without me, really hit home. Kinda knocked some sense into me. I can't let the intrusive thoughts win, I have to keep fighting my demons. I don't have a choice but to live. My kids would be heartbroken if I was to die and I can't leave them. Just got to get up everyday and be the best that I can. I've got to show up and be strong for them. Regardless of how I'm feeling, I've got to carry on. This morning I've bee...