Cancer, Depression and Me.

Well you can tell I've got EUPD because today I feel so much better. I've been to church this morning and let me tell you, what a difference it makes to my mental health. It works wonders. I absolutely love going to church. It's my favourite thing to do on a Sunday morning. I've just ordered 2 shirts for my baptism. 1 for when I get in the water and 1 to wear after. I'll post pics when they arrive. My friend has been for a couple of hours, so we've had a good chat and now I've just got into my pj's. Today has been a better day. If my mind is occupied I'm ok, it's when I'm sat on my own my mind goes on overdrive. I guess that's like anyone else really. I do have to remind myself that I'm not alone with the way I feel and I'm sure there's others grieving like I am. I hate how bipolar my mental health is. One minute I can be fine and the next I want to kill myself. It's hard work, but one thing I do now is I tell myself that ...

I always struggle with living at the weekend I've noticed. I'm having a bad day mentally. Saturday was the last time I saw my son. The last message I sent him saying I love you and stay safe and then he was gone forever. I'm trying my hardest to get better and then I have days like today. I'm always going to have these days aren't I?  I've just had to force myself to get a bath and wash my hair. The amount of hair I've just lost is unreal. I've got a face full of spots and I'm fat. I feel run down today. I've got nothing in me, I feel drained. Depression is hard and then add grief into the mix and it's torture.  I keep thinking about joining a dating website, my friend is on it and she's always chatting to someone but I don't think I've got it in me just yet to sit chatting to anyone. I'd like to be with someone I'm just not sure if I'm ready mentally. I think I need to get better first and love myself before I can lov...

Damian collected Jesse this morning to go stay in the caravan until tomorrow, so today I went to visit my mum but before I went, I walked Asda and brought her a bunch of flowers. Not for any reason, I just wanted to make her smile and that made me smile. I don't see my mum as much as I'd like to, so today was nice. She made dinner for us both. I had a really nice afternoon with her. She wants to move closer to because she doesn't live close to anyone, which is why I only see her a couple of times a month.  The taxi driver on the way to my mums has known me for years and I've not seen him for a while, he asked about my kids and then I had to tell him that my first born son had passed away. It was a hard conversation to have but I got through it. It will happen again at some point and ive just got to be strong. When I left mum's I then went my mates house for a catch up and a few cups of tea. Today has been a good day mentally, thank you Jesus. I've got Jasper wit...

Well the Slimfast diet didn't last, I'm shit at dieting. I just enjoy eating what can I say. Mentally I'm not doing to bad today. It's been a long day though. Had a driving lesson this morning and I can see my improvement every week. I nearly gave up a few weeks ago but glad I didn't. I had a bath after the school run and got into my pj's. I love being in my pj's, I love bed time. I've made sausage and cheese baguettes for tea and they were lovely. Jasper's coming to sleep tonight so that'll be nice. I love having my kids around me. All I think about all day long is my son in heaven, some days it just doesn't seem real what's happened. I was thinking last night, this April will be 4 years since I had cancer. If I didn't go for my smears I wouldn't be here now. So ladies make sure you go for your cervical screening! Doesn't feel like 4 years ago, it's crazy how fast the time goes. I have a massive scar going up my stomach w...

Last night I was lying in bed with Jesse and he was crying saying he misses his grandad and Jay-Dee. I put my arms around him to comfort him, even though I knew how he was feeling, I didn't let it show. I just told him I miss them too. Then he said 'I don't know what I'd do without you' and my heart sank. I reassured him that I wasn't going anywhere. It made me think, doesn't matter how bad my days are, my children really do need me so I have no choice but to carry on. For an 8 year old to say he wouldn't know what do without me, really hit home. Kinda knocked some sense into me. I can't let the intrusive thoughts win, I have to keep fighting my demons. I don't have a choice but to live. My kids would be heartbroken if I was to die and I can't leave them. Just got to get up everyday and be the best that I can. I've got to show up and be strong for them. Regardless of how I'm feeling, I've got to carry on. This morning I've bee...

I ask myself everyday, why can't I just die in my sleep? Then I tell myself that God has a plan for me, there's got to be a reason I'm still alive. I know my kids need me, but surely something good has got to happen in my life. I deserve happiness don't I? I've been through so much in such a short space of time. I'm still trying to process it all.  My strength to carry on everyday is from my children. I think about suicide, then it dawns on me how devastated my kids would be. I have to remind myself that they need me. But I'm not living, I'm just surviving. I feel that it's cruel that I should have to stay alive. I'd love it if my kids said to me, mum we can see you're tired and you've had enough, you can go now. But that's never going to happen is it, so I have to show up everyday. God I miss my son and dad so much. Life's hard you know. Living is hard work when you're grieving and depressed.  Everyday is a battle.  I see my ...

I was just sat with sons urn thinking, In 3 months it will be a year for my son and in November it will be 5 years for my dad. Honestly, I don't know how I'm getting through each day. My heart aches for them both. My life is like a blur, I wake up everyday and can't wait to go back bed to escape the world. Every second of everyday my dad and my son are on my mind. I ask myself why everyday. Why take my son and my dad from me. Why me? I'm feeling low today. I wish I could turn back the clock and have them both with me again, but I know I can't and that's something I've got to try and live with. There's a massive hole in my heart that death has left me with. It'll never be filled, I'll never feel whole again. I'm empty inside. Grief is torture. Losing my father was bad, but to lose a child kills me inside. Life was never meant to be this way. On this road of grief that I'm on, I seem to have lost myself along the way. I'm a shell of a p...