Cancer, Depression and Me.

Today has been a good day. I met my sister this morning and treated myself to an eye brow wax and tint. I can't remember the last time I did anything for myself, so it was nice. We went shopping and had coffee. It was a really nice morning. Then my brother came to visit. He visits every Friday. I was able to make conversations today. I feel alot better. It's a shame it won't last but at least I've finally had a better day. I've had a bath and got in my new pj's I treated myself to.  I spoke about Jay-Dee in conversation earlier and I didn't cry, I smiled talking about him. Today I am thankful to be alive. Never thought I'd say a comment like that. I've started telling myself that although my dad and my son are gone I have no choice but to fight for my life. My children need me. I do believe in the afterlife and I know my dad and son are still with me.  Its hard you know, grief is hard work. It's tiring, my soul is tired and I still wonder how I m...

Right up until the last minute I thought about cancelling my driving lesson, but I didn't. I actually did it. My first 2 hour driving lesson. Driving is harder than I thought it would be. I stalled so many times but I kept at it. Getting the bite and putting your foot on the gas and changing the gears made my head fall off. I have to tell myself that it's my first lesson and it'll get easier. It will get easier won't it? Well let's hope so. I'm so proud of myself just lately, I'm really pushing myself out of my comfort zone. From going out at the weekend to driving myself home today, I really am trying my bloody best to get better mentally. I'm taking it day by day and I'm getting there, slowly. You know, I'm not feeling to bad today, my mind has been occupied and it does me good. I really hope I stick to these driving lessons because I think it will do me the world of good. Its not cheap though, I know that much is true. Still can't believe ...

I went out Saturday, only for a couple of hours. The food was lovely and I enjoyed being out of the house. Yesterday I went to see my friend so it hasn't been a bad weekend.  I don't know why but I hate been stuck in the house. My mind goes on overdrive when I'm sat on my own. I guess that's normal under the circumstances.  Wednesday is fast approaching and I'm so nervous. I'm nervous but can't wait to learn how to drive. It will do me the world of good I know this. I've started eating meat again after being a vegetarian for 3 years. How strange how the body changes. I was craving bacon so I ate bacon, and I'm so glad I did. Bacon is delicious. Bacon and cheese oatcakes I've just eaten. How did I go 3 years not eating meat? I've not long got back from the cafe. I go every morning and have a cup of tea and a chat with my friends. I'm not feeling to bad today mentally speaking.  I was thinking this morning, how are my dad and son dead? It j...

Functional depression. I'm sure that's what I have ontop of grief. I function but I am so depressed. I cook for my kids, I do the dishes and the washing, ill hoover up. I do the school run, and the whole time I am depressed. I wouldn't be bothered if I died in my sleep. Still unsure how I'm making it through each day.. My friends check in on me daily and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. I'm going out tonight, I can't remember the last time I went out in the evening. I've got anxiety and it's driving me mad. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I use to be out all the time, socialising, but death and cancer has destroyed me inside. I'm going to go out tonight regardless, I need to do it. I have to push myself to do things. I feel lifeless most days. Zero energy.  It's only 12:20 and I already can't wait climb back in bed.  Grief has stripped away the person I use to be. I don't know who I am anymore and it's sad...

Not done alot the past few days, been to an appointment this morning at the sutherland center and ended up crying talking about my dad and son. How is it possible that my father and son are dead? I swear this is a nightmare I can't wake up from.  I don't think I'll ever be well mentally after the trauma I've been through. My life has completely changed and I don't know how to deal with it. My brain can't comprehend  what's happened in such a short space of time. The woman who I saw this morning asked if there was any cancer in the family, I then had to tell her I'd had cancer already. I honestly don't know how I've not started drinking alcohol again. How in God's name am I still 3 years sober?!?  A friend of mine is 9 years sober. I asked him this morning if he still has days where he wants alcohol, because I have them days, and he reassured me that he still has them too. So that made me feel better. Anyway my friend also has driving lessons ...

Yesterday was a hard day that seemed to last forever. The day was so long. I've been the cafe this morning and I tried to involve myself in the conversation as much as I could. I have to push myself to talk. I have nothing to say anymore. It's so sad. Grief is horrible. I just keep thinking to myself that in a couple of years I'll be better won't I? My mental health is shockingly poor. I've just got no interest in being alive and that's so sad. I keep thinking I need a job to get me out of this house and then I remember how bad my anxiety is some days. It's a task some days to leave the house so how the fuck am I meant to go to work. I'm so depressed it's unreal. Here I am again blogging about how shit my life is. I hate been stuck in this house, it drives me insane. I have to remind myself that I'm not alone in the way I feel.  I can imagine there's alot of people that feel the way I do. Doesn't make it any easier though. My days consist...

I've not blogged for a few days as I had nothing to write about. All I ever do is blog about how depressed I am. I've had a better week, my friends have been a couple of times to see me. My brother came yesterday for a few hours. It's done me good seeing people. I go the cafe every morning to see my other friends. Its not been to bad mentally speaking. The weekends are always hard because I don't leave the house much. Anxiety with depression is horrible.  I've been take the dog for a walk so Jesse could go out on his scooter. He went Damians last night in the hot tub with Mabel. I'll be honest, I don't know how I'm getting through each day, but I am and that's the main thing I guess. I pray alot for strength and I've got some really good friends that support me. I've never got much to talk about anymore, I've got no interest in life, its pretty sad. I honestly wish I'd just die in my sleep. I was walking Asda the other day and a lorry...