Cancer, Depression and Me.

Today is a hard day, my first born child, turns 22 in heaven. I am heartbroken beyond repair. My heart aches for my child. What id give to see his beautiful face just one more time. Had to force myself go the gym today, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. Do I feel better for going the gym? Absoloutely not, but I went anyway. Jasper has come home from college after an hour because hes too upset to be there. It is a shit day for us all! I woke up this morning, I sat on my bed and was in two minds whether take Jesse school or not, but I got up and took him. Wouldnt be fair for him to sit at home and watch us all be sad. Hes better off in school. Proud of myself really for getting up and taking him, and then going the gym. Ive been the shops for stuff for tea and ive decided cook a chilli, Jay-Dees favourite so only seemed right to cook it. I havent really got much to talk about today, I feel a bit numb. I dont feel myself today, just wish it was bedtime already. It

Sundays are a hard day for me, my son passed away on a Sunday and so did my father. Ive been the shops today to buy a cake and candles for my son in the stars. He should of been turning 22 tomorrow. I plan on going the gym in the morning, to try and ease the pain ill be feeling inside. His first birthday without him here is going to be hard, I already know this. He had so much more life ahead of him. Its just tragic that hes no longer here. I feel deflated today, im tired of life. Didnt go Church today, I slept till 11am. I must of needed the sleep. My son Jensen cooked me dinner today, the first time any of my kids have ever cooked for me, which was nice. We had bagels with bacon, eggs and cheese, but minus the bacon for me as im vegetarian. I have been for some years now. I just went off meat, the smell repulses me. Jesse is out with Damian, he goes every Sunday on different adventures and ive cooked a spag bol for tea. Going try get back to calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some

Recieved my sons death certificate today. 17 weeks ago tomorrow, my son killed himself. I feel sick to my stomach that I have a death certificate for my child. I cant even put into words how much my heart aches. I have a silent scream inside of me, that only I can hear. I still find it hard to believe that ill never see my son again. Did I tell you, we have his belongings back too. I can never remember what I blog about. I feel some comfort knowing we finally have his things back home. But to have a death certificate for a child is hands down the worst possible thing in my life. Life can not get any worse for me after losing a child. Its Jay-Dees birthday in 2 days and I feel sick thinking about it. Life was never meant to be this way. This is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. How have I made it through the last 17 weeks? How am I still here? How have I not hit the bottle? Dont get me wrong, ive had a few days where all ive thought about is alcohol, but ive not caved o

You know, if it wasnt for my brother ringing and checking on me all the time, then visiting me every friday, id be a bit lost without him. His support means the world to me, I dont tell him enough that I appreciate him. I see my sister now and again, I speak to her nearly everyday via messages, but we dont see much of each other because she works nights. I get a message off my mum now and again, asking the same question, every damn time.. am I ok? No mum, my fucking son has died. Thats what I feel like saying, but instead I tell her im doing ok. Its Jay-Dees birthday on Monday, he should be turning 22. Im going to try and be happy and celebrate his birthday, but lets be honest, im a cryer now so chances are I will cry. I tell him I love him everyday, in the hopes he can hear me. Jensen, Jasper and Jesse-John are what keep me going everyday. Without my kids I wouldnt be here. Was meant go the gym this morning, but I really couldnt be bothered today. Didnt end up going yesterday either.

Our sons inquest is complete and we can collect his belongings from Liverpool. Damian has gone to collect his things. I cant wait to just hold his belongings. Life is so hard. My son should still be here with me. Feel a bit deflated today. I guess when weve got his things back, its some sort of closure at least. Anyway, ive done the school run, then taken my dog out for a walk. Sick of thinking everyday, what to do for tea. Are you the same? You get sick of thinking everyday what to cook. Think ill get a take away tonight, I really cant be bothered to cook. I might go the gym later, I dunno. Not really sure how I feel today. Knocked me a bit sick knowing we get Jay-Dees things back today. Im sad today. Saying that, im sad every day who am I kidding! Since ive been on a higher dose of Olanzopine, the suicidal thoughts arent as bad, so thats a plus isnt it? God, life is hard work!! My dryer is on its way out, one minute it spins, the next its smoking. Fucking great! I could just scream o

Went to the gym this morning and then attended a bereavement course. 2 hours a week on a Wednesday for 7 weeks. Think it's going take more than 7 weeks to fix my grief. I don't think I'll ever not be grieving. I've lost 2 people that mean the absolute world to me. I don't know how you get better after such tragedy.  On the course I told them, how guilty I feel over my sons death, how I'm beating myself up thinking, could I of done more? I also told them, that I know this is a stage of grief and its good that I recognise that. I had counselling with Dove Bereavement after the death of my father and I took so much away from it, so I'm hoping this new bereavement course I'm doing now, helps. I'm hoping to come away from the 7 week course feeling better, or at least a tiny bit better.  Can't hurt to try can it? Of course I've broke my heart today talking about my dad and son. I'm definitely a cryer. Feels good to cry and just let it all out.

You know what's upsetting? It's that my son only had a sober mum for 2 and a half years. Why didn't I get sober sooner! I keep thinking, I should of been a better mum, but I bent over backwards for my kids. I do anything and everything for them. Even when I was drinking, my kids were always fed and clean. I dunno, I'm just beating myself up over my sons death. Could I of done more? Why didn't I message him early hours checking he was ok? I feel like it's my fault my son died. It can't be easy having a mentally ill mum. I wish I could turn back the clock and have my boy home. If I'd of known what would happen, I'd of stopped him going to that rave. I'd of hugged him tight and never let him go. I would of asked him if he was ok. I've always told my boys I love them, I always have. But I never asked how he was feeling and that kills me inside. Was it the drugs or was he depressed? I have to keep telling myself it was the drugs because the though