Cancer, Depression and Me.

Our sons inquest is complete and we can collect his belongings from Liverpool. Damian has gone to collect his things. I cant wait to just hold his belongings. Life is so hard. My son should still be here with me. Feel a bit deflated today. I guess when weve got his things back, its some sort of closure at least. Anyway, ive done the school run, then taken my dog out for a walk. Sick of thinking everyday, what to do for tea. Are you the same? You get sick of thinking everyday what to cook. Think ill get a take away tonight, I really cant be bothered to cook. I might go the gym later, I dunno. Not really sure how I feel today. Knocked me a bit sick knowing we get Jay-Dees things back today. Im sad today. Saying that, im sad every day who am I kidding! Since ive been on a higher dose of Olanzopine, the suicidal thoughts arent as bad, so thats a plus isnt it? God, life is hard work!! My dryer is on its way out, one minute it spins, the next its smoking. Fucking great! I could just scream o

Went to the gym this morning and then attended a bereavement course. 2 hours a week on a Wednesday for 7 weeks. Think it's going take more than 7 weeks to fix my grief. I don't think I'll ever not be grieving. I've lost 2 people that mean the absolute world to me. I don't know how you get better after such tragedy.  On the course I told them, how guilty I feel over my sons death, how I'm beating myself up thinking, could I of done more? I also told them, that I know this is a stage of grief and its good that I recognise that. I had counselling with Dove Bereavement after the death of my father and I took so much away from it, so I'm hoping this new bereavement course I'm doing now, helps. I'm hoping to come away from the 7 week course feeling better, or at least a tiny bit better.  Can't hurt to try can it? Of course I've broke my heart today talking about my dad and son. I'm definitely a cryer. Feels good to cry and just let it all out.

You know what's upsetting? It's that my son only had a sober mum for 2 and a half years. Why didn't I get sober sooner! I keep thinking, I should of been a better mum, but I bent over backwards for my kids. I do anything and everything for them. Even when I was drinking, my kids were always fed and clean. I dunno, I'm just beating myself up over my sons death. Could I of done more? Why didn't I message him early hours checking he was ok? I feel like it's my fault my son died. It can't be easy having a mentally ill mum. I wish I could turn back the clock and have my boy home. If I'd of known what would happen, I'd of stopped him going to that rave. I'd of hugged him tight and never let him go. I would of asked him if he was ok. I've always told my boys I love them, I always have. But I never asked how he was feeling and that kills me inside. Was it the drugs or was he depressed? I have to keep telling myself it was the drugs because the though

Been the gym this morning, this is my 3rd week and I've been to 8 gym sessions.  I'm aching so it means it's working. Someone at school said they don't know how I'm coping and to be honest, nor do I. I don't know how I'm getting through each day. They said they were proud of me for not drinking and that meant the world to me. Then I just went emotional and cried. Grief is sneaky isn't it. I've been fine all day, and then boom, someone comments on how I'm coping and I just cry. Grief is tiring, my sole is tired. I'm still grieving my dad's death and now I'm grieving for my son. I didn't think life could get any worse after the death of my father, how wrong was I. Losing a parent is hard and I mean hard, but to then lose a child, I can't even put into words how hard it hits. I feel numb daily, some days I sit and expect my son to come walking through the door after work, but he never does. I miss the little things like washing a

Got up early today and I attended Church. I absolutely love going to Church, I know it's not for everyone, but it's definitely for me. The peace inside my head and my heart I feel when I walk through them doors, is immense. I love singing along to the songs, I love hearing stories from the bible but most of all, I love how I have a Church family. I've been going to church for a few years now. I'm sang in 2 Christmas choirs and I plan on doing it this year too. I love singing. I walked into church about 3 years ago when I was in a really bad way mentally and I felt instantly eased of the pain I was in. It wasn't long after that I was put on Olanzopine along with the day time medication I take. I think Olanzopine and Church saved my life. When I'm having a hard day, I pray for strength to carry on, and I'm still here so I believe my prayers get answered. Anyway, I went the shop after Church to get some snacks and pop. Got home and walked my dog and now I'm

I know ive not blogged for a few days, I just havent felt upto typing. Everyday is hard work, a constant battle to feel better. Ive been going the gym, nipping the shops, doing the school run and then yesterday I went the crem to see my sons flower bed and plaque. I cried, which I knew I would. Jensen took myself and Jasper and it was the first time seeing it. It looked beautiful. But my heart aches every day. Life was never meant to be this way. My child shouldnt be dead! The increase in Olanzopine is helping, the suicidal thoughts arent as bad as they were so thats something positive. Dont get me wrong, I welcome death, but im not thinking of killing myself today. But I wouldnt complain if it just happened. God life is so hard. It takes all of my energy just to survive another day. Surely God can see im tired? Surely ive got be due something good in life, something has got to give. Im so glad we didnt have Jay-Dee buried because I couldnt bare to leave him in a cemetary on his own.

Been the gym today with my son Jasper, he doesnt go the same gym as me, but he decided to get a day pass so he could work out with me for an hour. Ive said it before but ill say it again, im so lucky my boys want to do things with me as they get older. Its weird because I thought when they got older they wouldnt do things with me, but im a very lucky mum. My boys really are the reason I cant kill myself. Losing their brother is bad enough without losing me too. The only thing that keeps me going is my children. I long to see Jay-Dee but I know I never will again, until its my turn to die. Its hard you know, losing a child is so fucking hard. Im going to spend the rest of my life missing my son, but I know his brothers will keep me going. The gym is really helping me mentally, even if I only go for an hour, it does me the world of good. Gives me something else to focus on besides my dead child. My son is always going to be on my mind, like I said before, ive just got to try and live a l