Cancer, Depression and Me.

Im really struggling today mentally. I feel so depressed its unreal. Im so tired today, ive got no energy at all. I want to take Jesse the park but I also cant bring myself to leave the house. Being mentally unwell is fucking hard work! Ive put my head on my hands and prayed today, ive prayed for strength and ive prayed that my dad and son are safe. What id give to see my son just one more day. Oh my heart aches. My main focus today is just getting through today. Thats my focus everyday, just making it to the next. I cant keep living like this, something has got to give before I end up giving up on life.

I was doing so well yesterday and then last night I went into my sons room and broke my heart. It shouldnt be this way, he should still be here. How am I ever going to get the strength to empty his room? I know theres no rush, but will I ever get the strength to sort his things out? His work clothes are still in a pile in the livingroom, where id leave them freshly washed on a sunday night for him. Cant bring myself move them either. Moving his things would mean that hes gone and im not mentally ready for that yet. Its only been 8 weeks. I talk to my son daily and I always end up asking him, 'why?'. I feel deflated today, ive been to the shops with Jesse and now im back home feeling drained. They say time is a healer but I dont think that applies when you lose a child. Everyday I expect him come walking through the door and he never does, and my heartbreaks all over again. I long to see my son in my dreams but im still waiting. I pray that God keeps my son safe along with my fa

The sun is shinning and ive taken Jesse to 2 parks today with my sister and her kids. For the hours I was out, everything felt normal. It took my mind off everything thats happened. Then you come back home and hits you all over again. Ive decided I want to learn to drive, but im 40 now. Am I too old? Surely not. So thats what I want to do. Ill wait until Jesse starts back school in September, but id really love to be driving. Also, it will give me something to focus on, even if its only 1 lesson a week. That 1 lesson could save my sanity. Im tired and its only 3pm, its taken it of me going to 2 different parks, I feel drained. I didnt have much energy to start with but I dont want Jesse missing out on having some fun in the sun. Regardless of how I feel, as a mother we put a smile on our faces and we show up for our children. You know, I was out for 4 hours and I barely spoke. I told you ive got nothing in me anymore. That being said, I am feeling a bit better today. The fresh air must

Ive done some food shopping, got my washing in off the line and now im drained. 8 weeks today since my son passed away and the days are getting harder. Ive still got nothing to say, theres nothing inside of me. The sun is shinning but a veil of darkness covers me. How am I meant to be happy, when im filled with sadness. Jesse is going out with Damian again. Damian is hurting inside but gets the strength to still do things everyday with the kids, I, on the other hand feel dead inside. Ive got no motivation at all. The day my son died, I died too inside. Ive not got anything to talk about, unless we chat about my deceased son? He was such a good looking boy, he was a hard worker and he was weeks away from being a qualified brick layer. He was doing an apprentiship, going college one day a week and working the rest of the week. No one knew but, I always use to cut his hair on top and hed go to a barbers for a skin fade on the back and sides. I knew how he styled his hair and im a qualifie

Im sick of taking medication everyday just to stay afloat! I dont drink alcohol anymore and I feel like I dont fit in. Why is my life a battle? Im so fucking fed up of feeling how I feel. Surely ive got to be due a break in life? I spoke to the coroner yesterday, there will be an inquest into my sons death as it was, an 'unnatural cause of death'. His death has gone down as 1a, multiple injuries and 2, caused by MDMA and Ketamin. Everything that will be read out at the inquest, was sent via the post to me yesterday, thats going to be a hard read. This day 8 weeks ago, I messaged my son saying 'stay safe and I love you' and he never came home. It kills me inside every single day. Ive not self harmed for 8 weeks, but I think about doing it. It gives you a release from the pain inside, but I know its not a healthy coping mechanism. My eye is getting better because my mum brought me some eye drops, so thats one thing going right for me, I guess.. My plans for today are self

Ive had a swollen left eye for 3 days now, my top eye lid is all bruised and swollen. I started using eye drops yesterday so I just hope they work. Ive not banged it or anything, it just started to feel sore and now I look like the elephant man! My mum said its because im run down. Run down would be an understatement. Im not doing anything today, im not leaving the house. I went to see Zoe yesterday for a few hours. It was nice, but after a few hours I needed to come home. My social battery ran out, id had enough of talking. I just wanted to be back home to sit in my own missery. God, I look and feel a complete mess. Its only dinner time and I already want to go back bed. You ever felt so tired of life? Like your tiredness is beyond tired? If I didnt have my other 3 kids, I wouldnt bother getting out of bed. It would be nice if one day I went to bed and didnt wake up. Sleeping forever sounds perfect to me.

Ive felt low today, the same as any other day, but today I managed to deal with it better. I talk to my son everyday and I honestly believe he can hear me. When you die, you dont just die, well thats what I think anyway. I feel like im a spiritual person. I like to believe theres life after death. I meditate some times to chakra music and I believe ive had a spiritual awakening. After my dads death, the way I saw life changed. Its weird to describe but I forgive more now. Im empathetic with everyone and everything. My whole outlook on life changed. It made me realise how short life can be. Im a laid back person, I use to be so angry at the world and now I just dont care anymore. I dont really care if I live or die, I guess thats part of being mentally unwell isnt it? One day im going to be so happy and ill blog about it, and we'll all be shocked, but im determined to find happiness. When youre as mentally low as I am, the only way is up! Right?