Cancer, Depression and Me.

It's been 4 weeks since my beautiful boy passed away and it's his funeral tomorrow.. How do I feel? Numb. Numb is the only word I can use. I've just been ironing our funeral clothes and it still doesn't seem real. I don't think I've accepted my sons death and unless I accept it, I can't move forward in grief. It's all well and good saying I must accept the death of my child, but someone tell me how? How is my brain suppose to process the loss of my child?

Well I've managed to get up early and take Jesse-John to his first jiu-jitsu session and then sat and watched Jensen do a session. Jensen has not long come back from working in Colombia and he started jiu-jitsu whilst he was there. It will be nice if Jesse gets into it too. So anyway, my day was going ok and then I had an email off the celebrant, with everything she's written ready for the funeral. Took me a while to read it all and I cried throughout.  None of what's happening seems real, its like a big blur to me. I can't quit believe that one of my children is dead. It just doesn't make sense.. Anyway, the funeral will be here before I know it, only 2 more sleeps. On the Tuesday, the day after the funeral I'm going to the Lake District until the Friday. Only for 3 nights but I think the break will do us all the world of good. I'm going with my ex partner, my children's dad, my boys, and his wife and their children they have together. We are the defini...

Jasper is my 16 year old son, one of four boys. It was his prom last night and I couldn't be prouder. I just wish his brother was here to see him in his suit and tie looking all dapper. It's Friday today, Monday is coming around so fast and I'm just not mentally prepared to say goodbye to my first born son. I keep thinking ill wake up from this nightmare and I'll have all my 4 children alive and well. I'm trying to accept that my son is dead so I can move through this grieving process but I just can't accept it. I can't accept the death of my child. I've got wait the rest of my life until I die to see my child again. Yesterday I read the poem called 'Footprints In The Sand' and the words 'its then that I carried you' touched me. I don't know if you believe in God but I found my faith after the death of my father and since the death of my child I've prayed more than ever for god to get my through this. I truly believe God is carryi...

With Jay-Dees funeral approaching it takes me back to the day I collected my dads ashes. It felt like the worst day of my life, that was until my son passed away.. But the day I collected my dads ashes, I just wanted to die, I have done everyday since. Id drank that much alcohol I felt like there was no going forward in life. I had an abunce of prescription sleeping tablets and decided I wanted to end my life. So, with a mixture of alcohol and sleeping tablets in my system, I got in bed ready to die. I was found unconsious, I was in hospital on breathing equipment and sedated. I clearly survived... then I had cancer and survived. Its like I just wont die... Ill never forget the phone call off my doctor, he said by looking at my blood work it wasnt a cry for help. I remember breaking my heart and saying 'I know'. My dads ashes are in my bedroom, I just cant let him go and my sons ashes will go infront of my fire so I can see him everyday. I promised myself after nearly dying tha...

I couldnt breathe yesterday, felt like my head was under water but today I can breathe again. I need to remember that some days are going to be alot worse than others. Everyday is a bad day, but today, I can breathe. Everything is ready now for my sons funeral, I just dont know how im going to get through the day. My youngest son Jesse-John, it will be his first funeral so I need to try and stay as strong as I can, so that he can get through the day. Im half way through my 2nd book since my son passed away. I first read a book called 'The Loss Prescription' and now im half way through a book called 'Survive Your Childs Suicide'. Reading is helping me get through this, it did when my dad passed away. I even published my own book. If youve followed me for the past 3 and half years youll know that reading helps me. These 2 books ive just mentioned are full of other peoples stories and ways to deal with grief. They are helping me. I cant help but think, am I going have to r...

its 8:48am, ive broke my heart on the school run. I feel so depressed, struggling to see what I write because my eyes are filled with tears. The sun is shinning outside but my world feels dark. Dark is the only way I can describe how I feel. Theres a darkness hanging over my head, like a grey cloud. How am I going to survive these dark days? I didnt sleep well last night and I think its because the celebrant is coming at 10:30am to talk about Jay-Dee. We've got share memories about Jay-Dee so she can talk about him at his funeral. The only problem is, ive nothing inside me, my memory is blank. Its like a switch got turned off inside of me the day my son died. My head isnt a place anyone should be, including me. Why would my son leave me behind? Im scared that suicidal ideation is going to consume me and then kill me. Im scared im going to eventually kill myself. If I ever go more than a week without blogging, im probably dead.. If one day, depression gets the better of me and I end...