Cancer, Depression and Me.

Didn't go church today, my anxiety is playing up. All I do just lately is sit in my room watching movies and blog.. It's a big thing me being able to enjoy a movie because this time last year I never had the tv on, I literally spent 2022 locked in my room doing nothing but blogging about how depressed I am. I mean, i'm still depressed and blogging about it but I know i'm getting better. I'm so desperate to find my purpose in life. If my purpose in life was to just have children, then how do I make myself feel better. Maybe my medication needs increasing?.. I don't know. I don't know much anymore about anything. I feel trapped in my own mind and its killing me. I think after the 6 week holidays i'm going to rejoin the gym, I can't do it now because of childcare but theres no excuse when Jesse is back in school. That will give me something to focus on, so watch this space, lets see if I follow this through. I'd love to be working but I know deep do

Trying to find the positives about being alive today. It always comes down to protecting my children from the grief it would cause if I passed away. The only problem is, I'm not living a life I enjoy, I'm purely surviving for them. It seems selfish to me that I have to stick around solely for them,  when I'm this unhappy inside. But, what can I do, I don't want to be here, but, I don't want my children to be left with no mother.. I guess it's going to be another day trapped in my own suicidal thoughts. 2 & half years it's been since my dad passed away, that's 2 & half years of fighting my intrusive thoughts.  2 and half years of living in darkness and loneliness. That's a long time to be living unhappy.  Something has got to change before I end up completely giving up because this is torture.

I just watched a video she posted about how she's just been surviving for the past 2 years, how her entire life has just revovled around not dying for the past 2 years. She said she's not staying alive for herself and if it was for her she'd be gone back to her mum. I have never related to a video so much in my entire life. I'm only alive for my children, not me.. if I could i'd be with my dad. The past 2 and half years since my father passed away I have purely been surviving for my children, not me, just my children. I feel so sad after watching Sineads video that she made hours before she passed away. I too feel lonely and isolated, I could easily and happily kill myself but I have my 4 chidren that i'd like to think need their mum around. I feel so sad inside after watching that video because I relate so much with everything she said. What a sad cruel world we live in. Sinead mentioned about having no family, I too have no family that care. The only time they

I'm happy again today, I've been out with my sister and the children, they've all had fun at the park. I love when I can blog about being happy instead of my usual sad blogs. The weather was lovely, the sun was shining and I felt happiness. The weather has gone miserable and wet now but I won't let that dampen my good mood :) I'm so happy that I feel happy. Let's hope it lasts 💕

I may spend alot of time in my room, but you know what, since going sober a year and half ago, all my childen will come in and we all chat and relax on my bed. I've said it before but i'll say it again (because i'm proud) since going sober, the bond I have with my 4 children is amazing! I love it, we sit and chat and the feeling of love I have inside I can not even put into words. I wish my boys read my blog and see how much they save my life every single day without knowing. I really do love them with all I am. I'm having another better today, mentally I feel better, so, i'm thankful. I've come to realise that i'm a strong woman, I know the medication is helping but it's me that's determined not to die. I feel stronger mentally, or is that just because i'm having a few good days? Oh, I hope I feel better for more than a few days.

I feel so much better today, today I can see how far i've come from last year. This time last year, I wasn't leaving the house, i'd secluded myself from the world. It's a shame I still have really low days but I'm so thankful for the few and far between good days I have. I've been to visit my mum today for a few hours so that got me out the house. I gave up on the fruit fast after 2 days, i'm sat stuffing my face now with crisps and chocolate. I've put so much weight on due to the medication but due know what, i'll take the weight gain in order to feel somewhat happier. I've been so hung up on being skinny all my life, i've wasted so many years trying to lose weight and i've realised today, if somebody wants to be with me they'll just have to accept me as the weight I am. I'm sick of trying to be slimmer, i'm wasting my life trying to seek approval from others and why should I care? From now on, i'm going to embrace my cur

Feel a bit better today, what ever I was coming down with yesterday I managed to starve it out of me. I did a fruit and water fast. I'm on day 2 of a 3 day fruit fast, trying to cleanse my insides. I can only assume thats why I feel better today. I find myself asking out loud 'how are you dead?', I still can't get my head around it but i'm getting there slowly. I know my dads never coming back, so now I need to rebuild myself. The fruit and water fast will help me. Clean eating and thinking, its good for the mind and body. Not going lie, i've cooked for my son and the smell is amazing but I refuse to quit on day 2 :) The longing for my dad will never go away, I just need to learn to live with it, but how? When a big part of your life is missing, how exactly do you move on?