Cancer, Depression and Me.

I'm still surviving instead of thriving. I'm alive but i'm not living. I pray everyday for happiness, yet i'm still sad inside. I go to sleep hoping I die in my sleep. I wake up and i'm thankful I didn't die. This is my life. If I didn't have 4 children that need me alive, i'd be gone already. I have no asperations because I didn't expect to still be alive. I have nothing to look forward to and it's easy for people say "lifes what you make it". First of all, kindly fuck off. If it was that simple I wouldnt be highly medicated and under a psychiatrist! I have an illness, well, a few judging by numerous diagnosises i've had. I have said it before but I don't want to be on all this medication, I just want to feel normal. I just want my father back!! I'm not well in the head and I hate it. Im screaming for help inside and no one can hear me. I'm scared that one day i'll be gone and all my kids will have is this depressi

From where I was this time last year, i've realised how far i've actually come. I'm doing this thing called life. Out of everything that has tragically happened, here I am on a sober journey. I wouldn't be sober if my dad hadn't passed away, so, I guess something good finally came out of something so tragic. I hope my children are proud of me because I am sober for them, yes, i'm sober for me too but I want to make my children proud of me. It's a hard journey to be on, I still have days where I could murder an alcoholic drink but then I remind myself how depressed I already am and how drink makes me feel. It's really not worth it. I know if I have a drink I won't want to stop and I know i'll be suicidal. I have intrusive thoughts most days, but being sober I can sort of control them. I'm sober and i'm trying my best to stay sober. Today has been a day to be thankful for how far i've come the past 2 and half years, it's only when I

I feel drained, I've had a sleep on the settee today and had the strangest dream. I dreamt about milk that has gone off and flies in my grapes.. Now, after Googling this, it turns out I'm going to be ill. Now I've blogged about it, I'll remember and if I end up ill ill let yall know about it. I always Google my dreams if I remember them, I use to write them down and their meaning, someone will find them when I'm dead. Obviously not any time soon as I'm a bloody fighter and I refuse to let depression win, but, one day I will be gone and all my writing will be found and probably read by my children. They'll know their mom was no quieter! Anyway, school run time so see you soon.

So, how am I feeling?? I'm ok. Even when i'm not ok, I still say i'm ok. I've been to Church, I love going to Church. I love the singing and I love to hear the bible. Church is the only place I feel comfortable, no one judges you and everyone is so loving and caring. It really is a special place that I will continue to go. I'm still trying to figure out who I am, have you ever felt confused about why you're alive? If the answer is no, then you should be feeling pretty thankful. If the answer is yes, rememeber you're not on your own because i'm lost in life too. We'll get there, I believe that God has a plan. Believing this keeps me going. When I come home from Church it hits me all over again, i'm lonely. I can be in a room full of people, yet still feel so lonely. Some times I go to sleep hoping I don't wake up and that's not fair on my kids is it? If only people knew the extent of my illness.. Take care x

Finally I feel better, Fathers Day was a massive trigger but I got through it, and the past few days. I'm always going to feel sad especially on days like fathers day, it's just something i'm going have to deal with. Anyway, i'm feeling better and for that i'm thankful. I plan on going vegan Monday (it's Thursday today), i've been vegaterian for over a year. Cutting out diary is going to be hard I think? Well I hope not anyway haha. I'll keep you all updated on my journey. I've been living sober now for over 17 months and i'm hoping that going vegan will help me mentally and physically.. Sober living is getting easier, the cravings are only now and then, where as before I was craving alcohol every weekend. It was a bad habit and I am so glad I remain sober. I want a healthy mind and body. I need to stop drinking so much coke zero, so from Monday i'm going try lots of water and lots of fruit. I've got 12 cans of coke zero left and after th

My body is so tired, its a task even walking. Father's Day was a real trigger for me and now I've got to start over again getting out of this mental state that I'm in. I know it's just a few bad days but trying to get your head out of how you feel is hard work. Seems to be affecting my whole body. My whole body feels tired.  Keep having intrusive thoughts about hanging myself. No matter how tired I get, I've got a 7 year old little boy that needs to see his momma after school, so you see, I've got to get through these bad days regardless of how mentally ill I am. I wish mental health was talked about more because I honestly feel trapped and lonely. I don't usually sleep in the day but I did yesterday and I need to sleep today. My body is drained.

I'm sat thinking about how depressed I am, but I've also just sat and thought to myself, this time last year I was in a real bad place mentally and I made it this far. So what I'm trying say is, I'm no where near as depressed as I was this time last year, which means, this time next year I'll be in an even better place mentally.. or I'll be dead. Let's hope it's not the latter.