Cancer, Depression and Me.

So, I started going Church, roughly 6 months ago, since then I have become very spiritual.  I believe we are just are just a sole living in a vessel. We never die or should I say our sole never dies. ..because I believe this, I know my Dad still lives on.. This gives me comfort.  I'm not scared of death, I never have been. I'm a morbid person, I've always thought about death and always been curious.  The only thing I am scared about is leaving my 4 children behind. That scares the shit out of me! I was thinking about how far I've come over the past 2 years and I'm so proud of myself.  I wake up in the morning and I finally feel thankful, I can honestly say, if I hadn't been put on Olanzapine, I don't think I'd be here today. It has massively helped me, that along with finding God. My dad can see something up there that I couldn't see, I was guided and I still am being guided down the right path and I know it's my dad. You might think I've gon

I'm starting to feel happier, the past few days have been alot better. I feel blessed to wake up another day. I've smiled and laughed. I'm still so terribly sad inside, but I'm also allowing myself to be happier. I have to believe that the end of each day, could indeed be my last, so I have to appreciate the day and everything that I have. Today I'm grateful I woke up, I'm grateful that my children are happy and healthy. I'm finally grateful that I am alive. I've started to say this as much as I can.. "I am beautiful, kind and caring" I'm focusing on the positive things in life, I can't turn back the clocks, I can't bring my dad back and he would not want me feeling the way I have since November 2020, I can't change what has already happened. I'm trying my damn best to stay alive.

Started to acknowledge my cancer as a punishment.  I did so much wrong in alcohol and I'm trying to make everything right now I am sober. Its February 2023 now (Valentines day), I've been sober since January 1st 2022, surely I've repented my sins? Is repent the right word? If I hadn't of lost my dad, if I hadn't of had cancer myself, I often wonder what mess I'd be in now, my drinking got so bad. My life was a complete mess and now I can actually say, I'm making all the wrong I ever did in life right. You know what, I cringe when I have flash backs of me in drink, but also, I'm hurt at how much I've had to deal with in my life. I've never been loved the way I'm desperate to be loved. The only person to truly love me was my dad. I'm still trying to figure out my place in life and who I am, I'll get there eventually.

I'm sad everyday, but it's been a good week since I've cried. I miss my dad so much, honestly, the pain inside kills me. My heart will never be complete, I will always have an emptiness without my dad being here. Heaven really needed him more than me?? I know for as long as I live, some days will be worse than others and today I feel empty and lost. 

I'm feeling strong today. I'm in control (for now).  Always sad but today I can deal with it better if that makes sense. I reminded myself that everything that keeps happening to me is all in God's plan and I just have to follow the path I'm on. The low days are to make me stronger, building me up for the future. I think so anyway.. I appreciate life alot more than I did, I don't wake up wishing I was dead, now I'm thankful i am alive, because my kids need me. I still ask myself why I'm still alive quite often but I just have to have faith that there is a reason. I'm sat wondering (it's a boring Sunday afternoon) is there anyone else in the world that feels as lonely as I do? Surely, I can't be the only person in the world that feels like this. I can have people around me but I'm still lonely. After, let's say half an hour, I start to dissociate from everything. This happens alot throughout the day, I drift off to nowhere. I go to the tho

It's been a shit few days mentally, I've not bathed now for 3 days, I don't have the energy, today I have to force myself to freshen up because I'm going out for a meal tonight to celebrate a man's 12 month sobriety. It will do me the world of good to put on a bit of make up and make the effort but at the moment, as I type this, I really can not be bothered to leave the house. It's so easy to slip back into a Depressive state of mind and it's alot harder to bounce back each time. Life is so draining, the thought of evolution scares me. I'm scared of what lies ahead. I'm scared of change.  That'll be the anxiety, isn't life wonderful!!😭

I'm just not happy, today is not a good day. I should of known it was going to be bad as soon as I opened my eyes this morning. I feel emotionally drained. Carrying grief around is heavy, it drains the life out of you. I feel like everyone around me is happy and I am full of sadness all the time. Why can't I walk around looking sad, instead I wear a fake ass smile and to be honest I am sick of it!!! Heaven forbid I walk around looking all sad, people would soon have something say about my miserable face!! Do you know how hard it is to pretend to be happy? I feel like shouting 'fuck this shitty life' but I won't because I have children to look after. I have said it before and I will say it again, THE ONLY REASON I am still here is because of my children... I am so lonely.