Cancer, Depression and Me.

 It's been 11 days since i last posted on here, i'm still just as low, if anything my low mood is getting lower. Minds on overdrive, always the case when you sit alone and have time to think, i've not been leaving the house, today was the first day i nipped the shop with Jesse, we both needed fresh air.. he's sleeping out tonight at Damian's, i feel lost without him and i feel lonely. It's hit home just how lonely i am without my dad, i went to ring him a few nights ago when i was upset then realised he's not here, i was devastated, i always rang him when i was upset or angry or just wanted moan or just to ask what he was doing and now i feel i've got no one i can talk to about how i'm feeling. I'm sat alone and realised just how lonely i am, i'm 37 years old and i'm lonelier than i've ever been. I've cut myself off from the world for so long i dont know how to get back.. I was mean't go college Friday but ended up having a ho

Feeling really deflated just lately, not sure where my life is going. The kids break up today for 6 weeks & all I can think is, thats 6 weeks of doing what??  My sleeping is worse than ever, the past few nights I have seen every hour on the clock, I take Zopiclone and I wake a few times with them and I'm drowsy the next day so I only really take them at the weekend with doing the school run. Keep looking through photos of my dad and its heartbreaking 💔 I am just heartbroken, still after 8 months without him its just as hard as the day he left this earth. I'm sat listening to his favourite music and its so hard, I keep trying remind myself that everybody loses people they love but then I make myself angry, I don't care about other people and thinking about their loss doesn't help me with losing my best friend. It makes me angry because my dad had years and years ahead of him and its been taken away, cruely!!  I've started to think about my cancer and thats only

Thursday July 15th 2021 our last day in isolation.. can not wait leave the house tomorrow, its been a long 10 days, Jesse-John keeps asking go school and even though its Friday tomorrow and he finishes at 1.30pm hes still going 🥰🥰 He needs it and so do I, a few hours to myself 💛 Whilst I've been in isolation I had an assessment done by cancer psychology, after answering all the questions it seems I need Bereavement counselling, I told them I don't even acknowledge myself having cancer or how I feel because all I think about is the loss of my dad. They're going find the best people to help me and send me their details and mine to them so we can get the ball rolling. 8 months today since my dad passed away, 8 months of heartache, 8 months of not sleeping, 8 months of crying, 8 months of being angry that cancer took him away from me and my boys, 8 months of wishing to see him again other than in my dreams 💔  8 months..

 Day 5, still stuck in the god damn house, going crazy, online shopping for things i don't need!! Jay-Dee is still in his bed poorly, i feel sorry for him, he doesn't leave his room so hopefully know one else will get infected, i swear the past 2 years have been the worst ever!! Desperately need a break in life ffs 😔  Feel like life is so draining just lately, it's like ground hog day.. same shit, different day! Started a diet Monday, cut out the alcohol since Saturday night.. obviously Tuesday i drank whilst the match was on and will be again Sunday for the final, but other than that i'm detoxing, it's Friday now and already 3lb down in weight, slow and steady wins the race 😁 hoping for at least 5lb loss come Monday! Mind you saying that, the football is Sunday, so i'll be happy with the 3lb loss for the 1st week haha.. I've got paints being delivered later and i've purchased 2 massive canvasses that i plan on doing to go in my Livingroom, i find it s

 So Covid has it our home, my 18 year old son came in from work burning up with a banging head and went straight bed, he lay there burning up whilst i swabbed his mouth and nose, i even said sorry to him, i know how much it hurts from when a lady at the hospital did mine before my Hysterectomy.. She went that far up my nose i thought she'd made it bleed, it was horrible, anyway his results are positive!! We are all isolating now for 10 days , like we've not already spent enough time locked in because of this bastard virus!!!! I'm wearing a mask to enter his room to give him fresh water and tablets every 4 hours then sanitizing as i leave, what an absolute ball ache 😓😓  So Day 1 in isolation , here goes.......

Really struggling with my mental health, I can't understand why my dad is no longer alive, I can't bring myself to deal with me having cancer because my grieving takes over everything. I can't find happiness in anything I do because I can't deal with losing my dad.  I start Cancer Psychology on Tuesday,  I'm hoping this type of therapy helps me because I really need something, I'm always tired, I'm still on iron tablets, I'm wondering could the tiredness be the depression?? I want to go to work but I don't like leaving the house. I go back college next week to complete my Diploma i had a medical extension on and the thought of going back is making me feel sick. I'm piling weight on from barely leaving the house, which means zero exercise so thats making me feel like shit too. The past few nights my dads visited me in my dreams which brings a bit of comfort but not seeing him when I wake up is torture. My life is shit, the only thing that keeps me

You ever sat looking in the mirror or like me, looking into a gold band that was my dads I wear, waiting to see his face in it sitting next to me.. Have you ever longed to see someones face that has passed away so bad that it hurts, if not then count yourself lucky, if like me you are struggling with griefe then I feel for you because its the worst thing ever. I have my dads face in photos or on canvas all around my house and still I get no comfort, if anything its harder to look at knowing ill never see him again. I'd never move them, if anything ill buy more because I just long to see his face again. My blog was meant to be helping others go through what I've gone through, dad dying and my cancer but I've realised my blog has been more of a diary for me to write down how I feel about my dads passing, me having cancer is nothing compared to losing my dad.  I feel like I'm dealing with my feelings better about losing dad by writing my blog, I can imagine people reading