Cancer, Depression and Me.

You ever sat looking in the mirror or like me, looking into a gold band that was my dads I wear, waiting to see his face in it sitting next to me.. Have you ever longed to see someones face that has passed away so bad that it hurts, if not then count yourself lucky, if like me you are struggling with griefe then I feel for you because its the worst thing ever. I have my dads face in photos or on canvas all around my house and still I get no comfort, if anything its harder to look at knowing ill never see him again. I'd never move them, if anything ill buy more because I just long to see his face again. My blog was meant to be helping others go through what I've gone through, dad dying and my cancer but I've realised my blog has been more of a diary for me to write down how I feel about my dads passing, me having cancer is nothing compared to losing my dad.  I feel like I'm dealing with my feelings better about losing dad by writing my blog, I can imagine people reading

So I had a dream about the number 2033.. strange I know, it was a combination to a safe. So after scrolling the Internet which didn't help at first I ended up reading about angel numbers, its so weird that you only remember certain dreams and when you research them, they really do mean so much about your life right now. I believe that the dreams I have, the ones I remember the next day are meant for me to remember. Like guidance for me through dreams. Its weird how my dreams describe my life but at the time the dreams are really weird but as I say, once you Google and look into them, you see its exactly what you go through.  2033.. Positive changes coming, confirmation of the goodness of my heart, new beginnings in some area of my life, I will have spiritual awakenings, it says that it shows i always have angels by my side on the life path I have chosen. These are just a few of things this number means, there's so much more to the number 2033. So glad I remember such important

 6 weeks today post op.. Been the doctors, i'm booked in for blood tests and i've been swabbed to see if there's an infection.. She did say i may of pulled my insides, which would make sense seen as i've been hoovering etc, you forget that because you're feeling better on the outside, that your insides are still trying to heel. Feel like i was moving forward health wise and now i feel like i've taken a few steps back, what can you do though when you're a mum to 2 budgies that make a god damn mess everyday with their food and feathers arrgghhhhh fucking birds!! I feel sick as a dog today, zero energy as per usual and just filling up on cold coffee, it's funny that when i was pregnant with my first child who will be 19 this year i went off coffee for at least 17 years and now i've become obsessed with cold ice coffee.. strange.. if you've not tried it, you've not lived. Order a Frappuccino from StarBucks you will not be disappointed 😁😁    Don

Doctors appointment tomorrow, the right side of my stomach is in pain and the pain is like a burning pain.. if that makes sense 🤔 I've had it a few days now and its making even walking uncomfortable.  Maybe I've done to much too soon, its just over 5 weeks since my operation and I just want to feel normal again, I'm sick of being restricted, I can't bend over still, I have to put my covers under my swollen stomach at night just so I can lie comfortably on my side.  I'm craving ice which is weird, but it must mean my body needs something, my iron tablets have been increased and yet I feel no better, my energy levels are still the same and all I keep thinking is, when I was told the cancer could come back, I mean how is that possible after everything they took out of me?!?? Cancer really does suck!!!! I'm all over the place when it comes to mood swings... this im blaming the menopause for, its shit, 1 minute I can hate someone and be horrible to them and the next

So yesterday was fathers day, I was going write on here last night but I felt so drained, it was my first father's day without dad being here. I would of usually had cards and gifts ready for him and we'd go out for drinks together, yesterday was hard.. cant put into words how hard life is without dad, everyday is a battle to be happy. I know he wouldn't want me being sad and he'd be saying his famous quote 'shit happens' but this shit shouldn't of happened. He was too young to leave me, 55 years of age he was in his prime, loving life, he loved going work, he loved his kids and grandkids. Life is cruel!! I'd do anything to see him again or just hear his voice, I just hope he knows how proud I am of him how he tried his best to fight a cancer that had already started to slowly kill him, I hope he knows how I cry because its so hard without him, I hope he knows how much I love him and I always will 💔 I miss you so much dad, wait for me 💜

All My Life..  the movie ive just watched on Sky Cinema, why do I watch these movies that break my heart, just brings back memories of how fast dad deteriorated & at the same time made me feel thankful that I'm still here and that we really do have to Carpe Diem, seize the day, live like its your last because the truth is you never know what tomorrow holds for us. Its sad but true, who knows if today could be our last. Just when I think I'm having a good day, my head spirals out of control with emotions.. Well I've had a cry lying in bed, now time to give my head a wobble and get back to reality of life ✌🏼 Enjoy the rest of your day,  who ever still reads my posts & remember you ARE loved ❤ 

For the past few days I've not felt myself, constantly tired even though my iron tablets have been increased, I take multivitamins everyday but yet I'm lacking energy, I do the school run every morning then crawl back into bed. Its been 5 weeks today since surgery and my stomach is in pain on the right hand side, it has been a few days now. I've been doing too much so I think I may of pulled something, it feels like I've torn skin if that makes any sense. I had a cry yesterday whilst sat on my own looking at a photo of dad that a filter makes the person sort of come alive, his eyes moved and his mouth smiled, I can't stop watching it. I smile and cry at the same time. Time isn't a healer, its been 7 months and I'm just as heartbroken as I was the day of dads passing 💔  I still feel deflated about having cancer, I'm not the person I was before, I can't even bend down or wear underwear without feeling pain. I feel so fed up and I've got zero motiv