Cancer, Depression and Me.

I hate night time, I hate how lonely I feel, I lie in bed browsing the Internet, the TV is on but I don't even watch it.. all I can think about is cancer and how lonely I feel. I'm thankful that I have my boys in my life to give me the strength to get out of bed in the morning, I moan about the house work but in a way it takes my mind off everything that's going on. I have my youngest in bed with me most nights for cuddles hes so loving ❤ I wrap my arms around him and all I can think is 'am I going to die and leave my 4 babies behind'.. People can say stay strong but how can you when the wait feels like forever to get the results to determine where the cancer is and how much there is 😭😭 Agonising!!  The strength I have within me is from my dad & my beautiful boys and for them I'm thankful 💞 Wonder when I'll actually get a break in life 🤔 

The day I bought my dads ashes home, after weeks of my mind being occupied by sorting his bungalow out, his finances out, his funeral out, everything.. the day I collected dad was the day I wanted to die. That night I took a few boxes of prescription sleeping tablets, kissed my baby goodnight and swallowed then all, not a fucking care in the world! What a selfish bitch I bet you're thinking.. you've got 4 children, how could you do that??!! I'll tell you how.. I've suffered with depression for jeeeeze as long as I can remember. When you're grieving you don't think about anything except seeing the person you've lost again. All I wanted was to see my dad again, its so hard to explain but if you've been in my shoes you'll understand exactly how I feel. Dont get me wrong, I'm still really depressed,  I mean I've not long ago lost my dad, my best friend at the age of 55 so its still so raw. Only now, all I keep thinking is, have I been diagnosed w

Night time for over thinking has got to be the worst time ever, why is it I think about having cancer all through the day but when night time comes and I'm sat alone I start to think, ok, I've got cancer.. I'm going die, I need to sort this, that and everything else out before I do. The wait for the mri and ct results is going to be the longest wait ever in my life and now alls I keep thinking is death!!!!!! Why am I so morbid?? Why can't I think positive?? Why me?? What did I do that was so wrong for it to be me that gets cancer?? I mean seriously though, what did I do so wrong in life to be diagnosed with cancer?? I'm a good mum, the best mum I can be to my 4 boys and now life throws a big cancer ball in the way!!!! Why?? My youngest is 2 weeks away from turning 5... 5 years old! Its no age to lose a mum. Its no age for my 12, 17 & 18 year old boys. What a cruel fucking world we live in!! 💔

So this morning like most mornings I struggle to get out of bed due to the fact I don't sleep well. I can't remember the last time I slept a full night's sleep but my youngest son needs taking to school so I tell myself a few times to 'get out if bed Ann-louise'..  Once I'm up its go go go!! No rest for the wicked 🤦🏼‍♀️ So after doing my morning chores washing etc I thought is there anything I can do to change what I eat to help fight the cancer cells or at least to try and keep them at bay. I found so many pages on Instagram ive never even come across before, I mean why would I, searching about Cervical cancer has never be top of my list of things to research until now! & now I feel like thats all I am researching 😢 So anyway here's a list of foods I found & I plan on nipping the shop & purchasing them all..  I'll give anything a try if it can help. Berries Sweet Potato  Carrots  Asparagus  Broccoli  Turmeric  Green Tea

 Going back to the Monday April 19th 2021.. After years of abnormal cervical screening tests, then they came back pre cancerous.. me thinking nothing of it, just though, pre cancerous nothing to worry about. It'll be sorted, they'll burn it all away and that's that!  Until the hospital rang on that Monday evening & said the consultant needs speak to you.. Me still thinking nothing of it, gets up on that Wednesday morning, went to college, finished at dinner so i had enough time to make it to the hospital. I just thought they were going to tell me the plan of action to get rid of the pre cancerous cells .. instead they told me, the biopsies taken from the back of my cervix, showed pre cancerous cells & apparently something else... like what???? The consultant said they were sent to Birmingham & it's been confirmed CANCER............... Still now exactly a week later i'm trying to still come to terms with the fact, i've got cancer! I've cried enoug

Early 2019, my dad was diagnosed with terminal Oesophageal cancer. Devastated didn't come close to how i felt, so god knows how my dad must have felt. He was my best friend ever.. We went through the whole journey together, Oesophageal cancer has got to be one of the worst cancer I've ever had to witness someone go through, someone i love more than anything in the world, my best friend, i couldn't do much but watch the cancer eat away at him. It was truly heart breaking. My dad was a true fighter & his attitude was 'fuck it', we used to laugh & say you're not going any where dad you can fight this. Knowing it was terminal, i don't think you realise how terminal it is if that makes sense until it comes to the end.. Dad didn't even look like my dad at the end. He was given 3-4 months to live without treatment & 12-18 months with treatment, i begged him to have the treatment so i could keep my dad longer, selfish now when i think about it becaus