June 9th Tuesday.

Ive just showered and washed my hair!! So proud of myself. I know its something that should be done nearly everyday, but depression ruins you. I get that low that a shower doesnt even cross my mind. Feel like im winning today after my shower. Jesse is in school, I went the cafe see my friends. I sat there and tried to join in with conversations, but I just wanted to go home. I just felt like I didn't fit in. They were all smiling and happy and then there was me, sat watching the rain fall. I am trying, but im struggling. Jensen and Jasper arrived in Berlin a few hours ago. Hope they have the best time on their little holiday. My holiday is fast approaching and im dreading it. Honestly wish id never of booked it. What was I thinking? I was thinking id be in a better place mentally, but im not. Anyway, so proud of myself for showering and washing my hair. You know how much I hate washing my hair.. 

Ive done a load of washing thats now in the dryer, ill fold it all when its dry. Its just me and Jesse for the next 2 nights, so I went Asda to buy lots of goodies because we're having a movie night later. 

I wish I wasn't mentally ill, its ruining my life. Since my dad died ive not been the same person I use to be. My son dying made things even worse. My mental health is at an all time low and im sick of it. Sick of not wanting to be alive. I know ill end up killing myself one day, I just dont know when. Ill keep fighting to stay alive, even though I dont want to. I stay for my boys..