June 8th Monday.

Went the cinema this morning with Jensen and Jasper to watch Backrooms. We went the Vue. I absolutely love doing things with my boys and im so lucky that they still want to do things with me as they get older. I feel so blessed, but sad at the same time. Grief is horrible. Even when I smile, I still feel sadness inside. Sad that my dad and son arent here anymore to do things with.

Jensen and Jasper go Berlin with Damian at 3am, so it'll just be me and Jesse-John for a few nights. Going be weird not having Jensen and Jasper here. Its hard not having Jay-Dee here, I still expect him to come walking through the front door after work. I miss my son so much, I miss my dad. That man was my best friend. We did everything together. Ever likely I feel so lost. 

Im so thankful that I make it through each day, some days are harder than others to get through, but everyday I dont give up. Even on my hard days, I fight like hell to stay alive, which is hard when you have suicidal thoughts all the time.

Today I feel ok, that'll be because ive been out with my boys. My mind has been occupied. I was so blessed to of birthed 4 amazing boys. They're polite, well mannered boys, my life might be a mess, but at least ive brought my boys up right.

So proud of them, i wish I could turn back the hands of time and save my son. Im devastated that he chose to end his life. I miss him with all my heart, but ive got to live for my other boys.

My dad and Jay-Dee wouldnt want me to be sad, I know this, but how can I not be? Im truly heartbroken. 

Even when im feeling happiness, i still feel sadness...