June 18th Thursday.

PTSD is something soldiers came home from war with and ive been diagnosed with it because of the death of my father and son. Everyday i relive their last day on earth. It haunts me. I dont know how to get better. Im struggling to live without my dad and son. I dream about my dad, well should I say, I have nightmares because hes always dying in my dreams. Hes always at the end of life with cancer. Its horrible.

I just dont know how im meant to get "better". Im trying so hard to get on with life, but i just dont belong here anymore. 

I sit with my friends and they're all laughing and joking and then there's just me sat there watching them all get on with their lives. Why can't I just get on with my life.

Something in me changed the day my dad passed away. I died inside. He took part of me with him, and then my son took what was left of me when he died.

I look at the world differently. I dont care about being alive anymore. I force myself to survive each day so I dont leave my kids with no mum. Im laid back, what will be, will be. I say i love you more because you never know when you'll live your last day. I appreciate my boys more, I listen when they talk. I put my phone down and have conversations with them because I know how precious life is, even though I want to die.. 

Losing a child has changed me. Losing a parent has changed me.

Somewhere along the way ive lost myself and I dont know where to look to find me again. Im scared that ill never find happiness again, im scared ill lose another child to suicide. 

I was sat with Jensen earlier and he was telling me baby names him and his partner have thought of for when they have a baby, and I was so happy for him that hes planning on having kids one day, but at the same time my heart sank because Jay-Dee will never have any children. I said would you name a baby after your brother and he said Daniel Jay for a boy and Victoria for a girl. Beautiful names. I can't wait to be a nana.

Ive got to stick around to see my grandchildren. 

It would destroy my boys if they lost their mum and thats what keeps me going.

Today ive had to check in online and download our boarding passes. 13 days to go before I absolutely shit myself and take 2 of my boys on holiday. Im praying everything goes ok and we have the best holiday.