June 16th Tuesday.

Been the doctors this morning with Jensen. I love how my boys still need their mum to do things with. He cried and said he was depressed after losing his brother. Some times I get so caught up in my own grief, that I forget they've all lost their big brother. Losing Jay-Dee has destroyed us all. The doctors have given him a sick note for a month and he wants to find a new job because he hates his job. I feel so sad for my boys. Jasper is struggling with his mental health and now Jensen. I think they both need therapy. I struggle everyday with losing my father and son, so god knows how my kids must feel. This is why I can't kill myself, it would just tip my boys over the edge. 

Didn't take Jesse school yesterday, I got up brushed my teeth and decided to get back into bed. I felt so tired. Im still tired today, but ive taken him school.

Doesn't matter how much sleep I have, I am always tired. I know its the depression. Ill be collecting my new medication tomorrow, im just praying it gives me a boost with my mental health. I just want to get better and ill try anything.

I didn't blog yesterday, I had nothing to say, I was drained from doing nothing except fighting to survive.

I go away in 15 days and im absolutely dreading it. Why did I even book it a year ago? Ill tell you why, its because stupidly I thought id be in a better place mentally, but im not. The anxiety ive got about this holiday is ridiculous. What will be, will be. Im scared of flying, I hate it. Every time I go away I hate flying. Ive got a new book to take with me called Imagine Heaven. Its about people that have died for a few minutes and came back to life. Ive read one chapter and im saving the rest for holiday.

Im so tired I could just have a nap, but then ill struggle fall asleep tonight, so im staying awake.

I cooked chicken, rice and veg last night for tea and no one ate it so its all gone in the bin! Waste of money trying to be healthy. Dont know why I bother some times. Oh well..