June 11th Thursday.

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Was thinking about writing a suicide note to my boys, just incase depression gets the better of my one day. I'd hate to just die and them not knowing how much I loved them. I mean, I tell them everyday that I love them, and the last thing I want to do is kill myself, but what if it all gets too much one day and I just end it all? I fight everyday to live just for my boys. The only reason  im here is because of them. Im so tired all the time, all I ever want to do is go to bed and sleep. If I didn't have Jesse that needed me to do things, I think id just lie in bed all the time and die there. 
Jasper is 18 tomorrow, so ive just blown balloons up and put banners up ready for when hes back from Berlin. Ive been and brought him a cake with candles, I might be depressed, but I still show up for my boys and ill keep showing up until my body gives up. I dont want to die, but I dont want to keep living like this. Im so depressed. Its been raining non stop today, got soaked on the school run. Its just miserable. Im miserable. Living a life that I absolutely hate. I hate being alive. 
20 days to go before we go on holiday and im dreading it. Im so nervous. I really hope we have the best holiday though and I know once ive done it on my own, ill be able to do it again. I can do this!.

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