June 10th Wednesday.

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Saw a tiktok that said "we're not home, we're just experiencing this life. We go home when we die". Really made me think. My dad and son are home, their journey on earth came to an end and they're back home. Gives me some comfort hearing that. We're a soul borrowing a body whilst we experience life on earth. I can't wait to go home to my dad and son. Some times I feel like I was meant to see certain tiktoks about death. I dunno, some times I think i may be losing my mind at the same time. 
The drs have rang me today, they've finally received my prescription from my psychiatrist. Only took a couple of weeks.. let's hope the new medication along with what im already on makes me feel a bit better. 
Just brought the Michael Jackson movie on Paramount+ for £20. Saw it at the cinema and had to buy it. Going watch it later with Jesse-John. 
One more night then my boys are home from Berlin. Can't wait to see them both. 
Stayed longer at the cafe this morning, only usually stay for an hour, but didn't need go Asda so I stayed longer. The girls asked me of I wanted go shopping, but I said no. Find it really hard doing things. Ive got no motivation at all. Takes me everything to go see my other mates at the weekend. Really have to force myself. 
Just not enjoying being alive and its so sad. If I thought my kids would be ok without me, id happily kill myself. 
Wonder how long left ive got on earth? I think about death alot and im not afraid of dying. I just can't deal with death, im really struggling with the death of my father and son. I know they're fine where ever they both are, I just wish I was fine.
Ive napped today, felt drained and tired.
Being alive is draining me. Depression makes me feel tired all the time. I just wish I had a normal life like I did before my dad died. I mean, ive always had depression and been medicated, but no where near as bad as it is now. I mean, im under a psychiatrist and I take antipsychotics everyday. Losing my dad and son has destroyed me. I dont know how im ever going to get "better". 
I just wish I could climb into bed and rot away until I die, but i can't, im a mother..

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